


Monster

by Lisianthus (loveatfirstsight)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dubious Consent, Eating Disorders, Gore, M/M, Psych Ward, Psychological, Smut, Trigger Warnings, disorders in general, eren is 18, mirror kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 11:49:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 49,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11805402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveatfirstsight/pseuds/Lisianthus
Summary: I deleted this fic because of personal reasons but I keep getting a lot of requests for it so you can read it here. I literally just copied and pasted the PDF. This is not a realistic depiction of DID and is fantasy. Those who have DID are so strong and I respect you all for trying your best, you are NOT a monster and I hope things are going well for those who have the disorder. This was my first fic and yeah, fantasy.This is a fic where Eren has a rare and never before seen DID (also known as Multiple personality disorder), he gets put into the care of a special psych ward called "Wings" and meets a therapist named Levi.





	Monster

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at  
http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/1235440.  
Rating: Explicit  
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence  
Category: M/M  
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan  
Relationship: Levi/Eren Yeager  
Character: Eren Yeager, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Erwin Smith, Petra Ral,  
Hanji Zoe, Bertolt Hoover, Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott, okay pretty  
much the whole snk cast  
Additional Tags: Sort of futuristic but modern day AU, yandere!eren (sort of),  
Pyschological, Trigger Warnings, Mental Facility AU, ereri, Slow  
Build, mirror kink, Gore, bottom!levi, Smut, Angst, Rim job, Dubious  
Consent, Anal Sex  
Stats: Published: 2014-02-25 Completed: 2014-07-28 Chapters: 18/18  
Words: 48935  
Monster  
by loveatfirstsight  
Summary  
Eren Jaeger suffers from a strange case of Multiple Personality Disorder. He undergoes  
"blackouts" where he switches into a persona that calls itself a "Titan." After a particularly  
intense black out, he wakes up to find himself guilty of killing his parents. His father, well  
known and respected in the field of Psychology, is associated with the "Wings of  
Freedom." A corporation that undertakes challenging and infamous cases of mental illness.  
Eren is taken in by the corporation and is forced to face some frightening truths about  
himself. Levi is essentially in charge of the well being of Eren and is his therapist. To say  
the least, they find themselves further throughout the story, going step by step, over the  
line of patient and doctor relationship.  
(You must get my permission to copy or duplicate.)  
Notes  
See the end of the work for notes  
Lab Rat  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
Chapter 1  
A pungent metallic stench burns my nostrils as I blink into awareness. The sound of yelling and  
wood being torn apart ripples through my eardrums, the swift thumping of boots follows after. I  
taste metal in my mouth, there are also strange chunks of meat lodged in-between the spaces of my  
teeth. I’ve been staring at red tile for a bit now, my body is so tired and aches so I stay still and  
hear the collage of footsteps and commanding voices invade my home. I cough up some of the  
chunks in my mouth, the chunks are red and splash onto the tile. Splash? I remember now… The  
tile used to be white.  
A flashlight burns my eyes with light and I squeeze my eyes and groan. I hear some of the voices  
say phrases like “Jesus Christ” or other expletives. “He’s alive!” My shoulders are jerked up by  
gloved hands and I’m being carried away somewhere. Maybe it’s Dad.  
“Dad?” I murmur, “What is happening?”  
No reply.  
I open my eyes to a family friend Hannes, he’s in his police uniform, why is he in his work attire?  
His face is pale and sweaty, like he’s about to vomit, and he doesn’t look down at me and  
continues to take me to the flashing lights.  
Panic starts to buzz through me like a swarm of stinging hornets and my voice starts to rise  
“Where are my parents?”  
No reply.  
“WHERE ARE THEY?” I cry out and try with what tiny strength I have to wriggle out of his  
grasp.  
I feel a pinch at my neck and the world fades into shadows. A needle?  
“They’re dead. You killed them Eren.”  
I wake up to a world of white. My t-shirt and sweatpants, the walls, my bed, even the door, all  
white. I’m chained to the bedpost. My wrists feel raw and my shoulders are sore from lying down  
in such an unnatural position for god knows how long. Why am I here? I feel a tightness at my  
neck, there seems to be some sort of collar on me.  
I remember… I was fighting with Mom and Dad… They wouldn’t let me go outside. They never  
let me go outside. I was screaming at them saying that I was already 18 years old and that I was  
sick of being home schooled and why could Mikasa, my step sister, go outside and live a normal  
life when I couldn’t? What was wrong with me? They kept saying it wasn’t safe for me to go  
outside and I got so angry I had one of my “blackouts.”  
I couldn’t have killed my parents though, I didn’t want to hurt them, I just felt so trapped, but I  
couldn’t have hurt them. I sit up and grip my head because it feels like its going to explode,  
somebody help me, this can’t be happening. I cry for what seems to be forever, I cry until my nose  
is clogged and my face is wet and sticky, till I'm laying down in a fetal position on my side, numb.  
I hear footsteps outside my door and suddenly I’m scared, so fucking scared, but I need answers, I  
sit up on the edge of the bed and put my hands down and curl them into fists. I need answers.  
The door opens and reveals two men that look pretty much nothing alike. One is a tall broad  
shouldered middle age man with professional slicked to the sides blonde hair and sky blue eyes.  
Who is also now giving me a serious but determined stare. The other is a young short and rather  
petite man with black hair, an undercut, and sharp bangs parted not quite in the middle that frame  
harsh dark gray heavy lidded eyes. He is frowning, and looking to the side like he’s bored. Sort of  
strangely pretty though, his features even if grave, are somewhat feminine and delicate. They both  
look very familiar.  
The blonde speaks first.  
“Eren Jaeger, my name is Erwin Smith and you are now under our supervision. By “our” I mean  
under our corporation Wings of Freedom. Members of the Wings of Freedom strive to help those  
who suffer from severe mental illness that go beyond the norm. We were well associated with  
your father and his work in the Psychology field, your father was always trying to find a way to  
help you and your disability, he’s rather famous for his break throughs. If it weren’t for him and  
his studies that revolve mostly around you, you would probably be behind bars in prison for life.”  
I know now why they both seemed familiar, I recall all the photos dad had of him and his  
colleagues and associates at conferences and events, those two had appeared more than once with  
him in group photos. This was all really happenening. Hot bile starts to come up my throat.  
“Did I…really kill my parents?” I need to know. I need to know now. I can hardly breathe.  
“Yes.” Erwin doesn’t even hesitate.  
“Though some would say you are a monster, Wings of Freedom believes that you may be the key  
to unlocking information about your specific disorder and are valuable to psychological studies. Do you want to help us help humanity Eren and redeem yourself?”  
I killed my parents. I couldn’t have. No. No. No. It wasn’t me; I’m not a monster.  
Darkness.  
I shake my head, I think I just had a short blackout, because I feel dizzy and Erwin looks  
concerned and the shorter man is looking at me with an almost excited gleam in his eyes although  
his face remains apathetic. He steps forward  
“I’m Levi and I will be in charge of your well being kid. Judging by the dumb look of confusion  
on your face I’m guessing you just shifted back. I’m here to keep the monster you have inside in  
check, I’m not afraid to put you in place brat so keep your emotions at a minimum. It seems that  
whenever you get too emotional you shift.”  
I glance at Erwin, is Levi seriously a professional? Erwin is unfazed.  
“Shift?” what could he mean, that implies that I change into something else doesn’t it?  
“Both of you will have more time to converse later during one of your sessions, for now, I will  
have an orderly show you around and introduce you to the others. Ah, there you are Petra, please  
show Eren how everything works. Levi and I will be going now, till next time.”They turn and  
walk away and are replaced with a rather cute short haired strawberry blonde with brown eyes  
that gives me a warm smile.  
“You must be Eren Jaeger! I’m Petra Ral and I’ll be showing you around your new home.”  
“New home?” I stare at her blankly. I had gone from one sort of prison to another. Except at least  
before I had family, people who loved me. What happened to my step sister Mikasa though? Was  
she ok? Alive? Did my close childhood friend and neighbor Armin find out about what I had  
done? So many questions hissed in my mind.  
"Let me get you out of those nasty cuffs, the cuffs are there so that you don't hurt yourself and  
well, also others."  
"Wait so I won't be wearing any hand cuffs now? Aren't you afraid that I'll, um, shift on you?"  
"I'm sure you've noticed the collar around your neck by now, if you happen to, like you said, shift,  
it has a system built in it to inject you with a paralyzer that will stop any bodily movement. All I  
have to do is press a button here on my bracelet." She says this casually if anything, cheerily, she  
must be used to handling people like me. Whatever that means.  
"Alrighty, now follow me." She walks to the open door and waves me over, I follow and take a  
couple deep breaths. Whatever lies beyond that door, I can deal with it.  
The hallway is grey and dull, I look to the side and notice my bedroom is connected to a series of  
other bedrooms and happens to be on the very end of the left side. Petra informs me that this is the  
boys sector. We reach the middle of the hall and after she scans her bracelet on some sort of  
scanner, we go through a door that leads to another plain hallway with rooms on each side. Petra  
says that this is where the male nurses and security sleep. They are close so that if anything  
happens in the boy's sector it is handled fast and efficiently.  
"So they don't check up on us at night? Isn't that dangerous?"  
"Your collar serves multiple purposes Eren, if your heart rate goes up or down to an alarming  
level the nurses station is notified immediately."  
Once we reach the end of the hall, we go through another door (once she scans her bracelet) and a  
giant room opens up to us.  
"On the left is the cafeteria." The left has your typical cafeteria seen in movies and such with  
lunch tables with benches, except of course, they are white and grey, seemingly just like the rest of  
this place.  
"Those are the lunch windows where you will receive food and your medication." she points at  
them.  
"and on the right is where you can engage in activities with others or by yourself." There are  
round tables with a pack of cards on some, shelves with board games and shelves with books  
piled on another, and a flat screen T.V. plastered to a wall with some chairs around it.  
"Where is everyone?" I realize other than the brute security guards keeping watch in corners, there  
are no other patients.  
"They are in group at the moment, I'll be taking you to them right now actually." My palms start to  
sweat as she takes me to a door on the right side of the room and I'm confronted to a classroom  
sized place with kids around my age sitting in chairs that look attached to the ground, all the  
furniture I've noticed is attached to the ground in this place. Smart.  
The authority figure is a bald old man with a white mustache and mischievous sort of expression.  
He seems wise though, his crinkled eyes look friendly in a strange sort of way.  
"Hello Pixis, I'm sure you've heard of our new recruit!" Petra holds her hand out to the side and  
presents me like a bright shiny new car at a car dealership.  
"Ah just in time, we were just starting. Very good, introduce yourself then young man." He  
chuckles and waits expectantly.  
I try not to look at the other "recruits" in the room and focus on the man in front of me.  
"My name is Eren Jaeger sir." I stand at attention and make sure I look as confident as I can.  
"Hmm, I see, well take a seat now, I think there is one open next to Jean." I see? I wonder what  
the old man saw in me. His eyes were warm and calculating.  
I see an open seat next to a pissy looking guy with light messy brown hair and an undercut. His  
brown eyes squint at me as if he's judging me already, great, I got to sit next to a douche-bag.  
"Alright everybody, let's do introductions counter clockwise, I'll start. Hello Eren, I'm Mr. Pixis  
and I lead our group therapy sessions. It's a pleasure to meet you." He looks to the side at an  
adorable little blonde girl that reminds me so much of my friend Armin its insane.  
She smiles but its an empty smile, its the kind of smile that is used to be polite and to slip under the  
radar as a "happy person." When really all it takes is to look into the girl's eyes and there you can  
see that she is anything but happy. I know this because I happen to use that smile all the time.  
Except people usually don't bother really looking into other people's eyes and seeing them.  
"Hello, I'm Krista Lenz." her voice is soft and shy.  
A freckled tall and tan girl sits next to her, "I'm Ymir." She then goes back to paying attention to  
Krista.  
"Hi, I'm Sasha Braus," its hard to hear her say the sentence because she's chewing on her  
thumbnail like its a potato chip and I try not to let it show on my face how grossed out I am.  
"Annie." This girl is intimidating, she's blonde and has her hair up in a bun. She doesn't even give  
me a courtesy grin.  
"Yeah I'm Jean Kirchstein." Jean sighs his introduction out and I know I don't like him already.  
"Um, hello, I'm um Bertholdt Fubar." the smile this sweaty giant of a guy is giving me is pinched  
into place and it almost hurts to look at him he's so nervous.  
"Connie Springer!" the guy has a buzz cut and a big enthusiastic smile. He's the first outgoing  
introduction I've received from all of these kids so far. Which is refreshing, I might be able to be  
friends with someone.  
The meeting is actually pretty unproductive. Though I think it was because Mr. Pixis was trying to  
give me an easy first meeting, which I was grateful for. I could barely pay attention anyways I was  
so worried about Mikasa and Armin. We spent most of the time talking about how other people  
were feeling that day, little things, it was short and not so sweet considering how unresponsive  
everyone was. Were they fairly new like I was?  
I follow the crowd of other patients as they start to spill into the cafeteria, I'm guessing lunch is  
after group. I grab a tray and watch it be filled with a cup of water cut up apple slices and a ham  
sandwich on the side. This was pretty nice, everything seems like it cost a lot of money to  
maintain. Its all too perfect. I look at the other patients, all in white t-shirts and white slacks, with  
collars on their necks as well. We look like lab rats. I'm now required to swallow two pills in front  
of a supervisor.  
"What do these do?" I asked the supervisor, a man with sheep dog styled honey hair and a  
groomed mustache beard thing going on. He leans forward and sniffs me. What the hell.  
"Really Jaeger?" I turn around and see Jean and his dumb horse-face cocked prissily to the side.  
"Talk to your caretaker about it. Next." Sheepdog man has a happy grin on him and looks over  
my shoulder at horse-face expectantly.  
I grit my teeth and try to calm down. It seemed my caretaker, Levi, had all the damn answers.  
When would I see that shorty again?  
I carry my tray and cautiously set it down at Connie's table.  
"Hey Eren! Haha I see you got the sniff from Mike, don't worry he does it to everyone." he laughs  
and takes a big bite out of his sandwich.  
Sasha is sitting next to him barely breathing as she goes through her meal. I watch her in wonder  
as she practically inhales her slices of apple.  
"How long have you guys been here?" I ask while eating my apple slices like a normal human  
being.  
"Oh nobody has been here long, we've only been here for only a few days longer than one  
another. I don't think anyone has been here for even a full week yet. Apparently all of us are on  
this new program they made. Kind of scary but hey, their slogan is that they give us "wings", you  
know, so that we are freed from all the crap in our heads.  
The conversation afterwards is simple, merely about how the food tastes and how weird Mike is. I  
feel a tap on my shoulder and its Petra again.  
"Its time for your appointment with Levi." Petra chimes from right behind me.  
I just about jump out of my seat, although I had tried to act calm in front of my new, maybe,  
friends, I was worried sick about my step sister and friend. I also wanted answers as to what  
exactly happened to my parents.  
"Okay." I follow her to a door at the front of the cafeteria/lounge and eagerly await for  
explanations.  
Chapter End Notes  
This chapter was just about information and introducing the surroundings and  
characters, I promise there will be angst and romance ~ this is my first fanfic so I  
hope you like it! My tumblr is l-e-v-i-ackerman and I'll be tracking my username and  
the tag fic: monster  
Cages  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
Chapter 2  
The hallway Petra and I step into is rather short and has placards with what I'm guessing are the  
names of each "caretaker" on them in fancy font. The placards are all in silver on each of the two  
doors on the left and right except for the golden one at the end of the hall straight ahead of me.  
"Erwin Smith." I'm guessing that blonde is the person in charge of this program.  
Levi has no last name on his placard which is odd. It's to the left at the end, adjacent to Erwin's  
room. Petra opens the door and there Levi is ,wearing reading glasses I assume, sitting holding a  
white cup of coffee and reading documents on his desk. His hand is sprawled over the opening of  
the cup, holding it up from the sides. It reminds me of a spider over a spiderweb, his fingers are  
thin and long -  
"Eren Jaeger is here for his appointment, Sir!" I guess he's also a higher position of authority  
around here.  
I remember my dad talked about a short and despondent genius he'd sometimes talk to at higher up  
meetings. I'm starting to get nervous, like some stupid fan over a celebrity.  
"I know Petra, no need to say the obvious." Levi still hasn't looked up from his papers and waves  
towards the door. "Thanks."  
I'm guessing that's her cue to leave us and she nods with an almost sad expression and shuts the  
door. The door I notice is incredibly thick and almost seems to snap into place.  
"Um what's with the doors here?"  
Levi stacks his documents against his desk and sets them to the side. Then removes his glasses and  
places them in a black leather case and slides it in a drawer in his desk. He does this all  
meticulously and I realize how crazy clean everything is in this room is.The black and white tones  
and furniture is spotless and minimalist styled. His many awards are in silver frames on the left  
wall, one frame shows an artistic logo for the Wings of Freedom of two black and white wings  
overlapping each other.  
Finally Levi looks up at me and rests his arms over another on his desk.  
"All caretaker's rooms are sound proof. We are very serious about patient doctor confidentiality  
here. We don't need any orderlys pressing their filthy ears to any doors trying to get the latest  
scoop for gossiping." He takes another sip of his coffee then leans back in his chair.  
I take a deep breath and clench my fists, I usually have no trouble speaking my mind but Levi's  
presence alone makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, with him staring at me with those hooded  
knife grey eyes my mouth goes dry and my mind blank.  
"You look constipated kid, go ahead and ask me all of the questions I'm sure you've been dying to  
ask me."  
With his permission, suddenly my mouth is unlatched and a flood of questions come out of me.  
"Is my sister ok? Is she staying with someone? Does she know what happened?"  
"Mikasa was at Lacrosse practice when she received the call. She's seems to be holding up, she's  
strong. She's staying with your neighbor Armin and his grandfather, they seem to be supporting  
her. She seems to be more worried about you than angry, I think she was only angry she couldn't  
see you if that helps."  
Mikasa has always been so protective over me. Not only me but of our family in general, which  
pretty much includes Armin. She knows more about my condition than I do, well it seems  
everyone knows more about me than I do, and has always had a soft spot for me. She'd never tell  
me why, I think she wasn't supposed to. My parents were so strict when it came to me. My  
parents.  
"What.... what did I do to my.... what happened?" I just about whisper all of this. I look at the  
ground and my whole body tenses up, bracing itself for what I know will be horrible.  
He's silent. It's silent. So damn quiet that I notice the ticking of a square numberless clock on the  
right wall.  
"You became too stressed and shifted. This particular shift or blackout, your father called them  
blackouts which I'm sure you know, you lost all control and when your parents seemed to try and  
restrain you, resulted in their passing. It's not your fault Eren. It's an illness I'm going to help you  
control."  
His voice is calm yet assuring, the information has left the room spinning for me though and my  
legs start to wobble.  
"Please sit down. There's a lot you need to learn about yourself. I believe the mistake your parents  
made was not informing you about your condition. They didn't tell you to try to keep you safe, but  
I think you are at the age where you have the right to know."  
I sit down on a black plushy leather couch and notice a white box of kleenex in a corner of it.  
"You have a unique and practically unheard of form of Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously  
known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Its extremely rare and characterized by at least two  
distinct and relatively enduring identities. In your case, you seem to only have one other  
identity. D.I.D is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by  
ordinary forgetfulness."  
"That explains why I don't remember anything from blackouts... But... wait so I have another  
identity?"  
"Yes. Usually most people who have D.I.D have varieties of different human personalities. There  
have been cases where some have even had an animal identity, yours is - unusual."  
He had been pretty casual about explaining everything so far, with a crossed leg and nonchalant  
attitude. Now he leans forward on his desk and stares at me with an alarming intensity.  
"You refer to yourself as a Titan. When did you first learn about Titans Eren? What are they to  
you?"  
My mouth hangs open in confusion and I scratch my head as I recollect.  
"My father used to teach me about different cultures and their mythologies when I was a little kid.  
He read them to me like bedtime stories, Greek mythology was my favorite. Well, um, anyways,  
Titans were said to be these immortal and terrifying giants of incredible strength that ruled over the  
earth. They were overthrown by the Olympians and sent to Tartarus. Tartarus was told to be  
below the roots of the earth and the sea and even below the darkness of the underworld, the  
ultimate place of imprisonment. It really scared me as a kid, the pictures of the giants in the books.  
I told my friend Armin about the Titans and he immediately wanted to learn more, he's a  
bookworm, and we both ended up pretty afraid of them. They were the monsters under the bed or  
in the closet for us. Even though now that I think about it, that was dumb to think because they  
would be way bigger than even our house. I don't understand though...why would I want to be a  
monster?"  
"I think it may be more complicated than just wanting to be a monster Jaeger. But there's no rush,  
we'll figure this out. From what I've read from your father's files on you though, is that your shifts  
are almost always triggered when you get too emotional, more specifically, angry. So work on that  
hotheadedness of yours."  
"When will I get to see Mikasa and Armin?"  
Levi returns to his relaxed and apathetic self.  
"Sundays. It's a Wednesday so you aren't too far away kid."  
I notice grey curtains on the right side of the room.  
"Is there a window there? Can I look outside?"  
He looks apprehensive at first but finally just nods his approval.  
I stand up to pull the drapes open and my heart drops when I notice sleek white bars that stripe the  
view outside. I can only see the tops of some trees and the sky. The sky is a blend of pink and  
burnt orange, it must be already late in the day. The bars annoy me, actually they really piss me  
off.  
"All my life I've been kept behind walls, with people saying that they want what's best for me  
when all they do is keep me in a cage. What makes you or anyone here think you can make me  
better? I'm tired of hearing promises that never meet reality."  
I feel my jaw tighten and my teeth grind and I give him a challenging look.  
"The cage is everywhere you go. Until you figure out who you are and how to deal with the shit  
and piss of the world and the grime inside of yourself, you will always find yourself behind walls.  
Some walls are self made."  
Levi holds my stare with a steely conviction and when he says the last bit his voice drops a pitch  
in volume. I don't think he notices it did. The light from outside gives the cold colorless world of  
this place warmth, and hits Levi's eyes in a way that reveals a shade of deep blue in his eyes.  
Suddenly I don't feel so intimidated by him, his eyes look almost -lonely.  
As if somehow hearing my thoughts he demands,  
"Shut the drapes now, the light is going directly in my eyes and I can barely see a damn thing."  
I chuckle and close the drapes. I'm sort of getting used to the brash language from my caretaker,  
ugh caretaker. That sounds so weird, what am I a kid?  
Levi looks a bit surprised,though it's near impossible to tell with his seemingly constant stern  
expression, and cocks his head to the side," What are you laughing about brat? Anyways I'm  
going to have to cut our appointment short because you have to go to your check up with crazy  
four eyes."  
"Check up? Four eyes?" I raise an eyebrow.  
"Like a person who wears glasses? C'mon Jaeger, you're smarter than that. Hopefully. Ah, Petra  
just in time."  
I turn to see her smiling at Levi that now makes it obvious that she has some sort of crush on him.  
"Thank you sir, I try." She looks at me and jerks her head towards the hall suggesting that I go  
along.  
"Uh bye then." I turn to Levi but he already has his glasses on and is writing things down. I'm  
about to leave when a sudden thought hits me.  
"Hey um Levi?"  
He sighs and looks up at me. "Yes?"  
"I think I had a blackout when I was first met you and Erwin... did I do or say anything weird?"  
"Its good that you noticed."  
"Well what happened?"  
He looks down and taps his pen lightly on his desk. Then stops and looks up at me.  
"You said ' I will kill the Titans, every last one of them.'"  
Chapter End Notes  
Super short chapter, I know, but I wanted to update as soon as possible. This fic will  
probably have a crap load of chapters but at least the updates will be fast? I promise  
most will be more than 4 pages(this was 4) Hope you liked it though ~  
Memories  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
Chapter 3  
I step into what looks like a dentist's office. Except on the chair there are belts and restraints and its  
starting to look more like a modern looking torture room. I see the back of a brunette ponytail, the  
woman turns around with glasses that look like goggles and a giant grin on her face. I take a step  
back because quite honestly I'm terrified because - are they going to strap me down and go all  
apeshit one flew over the cuckoo's nest on me?  
"Eren Jaeger! Ah how nice to finally meet you! My name is Hanji Zoe but please just call me  
Hanji, no need for any formalities. Oh wow I've been dying to get my hands on you! Please sit  
down sit down, we have to go through some rudimentary tests and some exams but nothing quite  
serious at the moment." She notices me eyeballing the restraints and she starts to laugh loudly,  
"Oh don't worry, we won't be using those today. Relax!" I start to calm down but she doesn't say  
we would never be using those, which means there's a chance that this crazy lady is going to go  
medieval on me some day.  
I sit down and she does what my dad would sometimes do, since my dad was a doctor I never had  
to go out to one. Well, I never got to go out period.  
She makes me say, "Ahh." and checks my eyes with those mini flashlight things, takes my blood  
pressure, etc.  
"Hey, Hanji?"  
"Hmmmm?"  
"What do my pills do? Are there side effects?"  
She leans on a counter and plays with a sharp looking medical instrument and I can't help but feel  
worried seeing her hold it so casually.  
"Yes, yes, okay, your pills are quite cutting edge." Her eyes bulge and she points at the sharp tool  
she's been playing with and snickers. I can't tell if she's nice or psycho but maybe she's kind of in  
between or both.  
"We are giving you a kind of Antipsychotic medication, it works as a mood stabilizer and to well,  
try and keep your other side in check. Oh and side effects may or may not be dizziness,  
drowsiness, anxiety, sleep problems, dry mouth or stuffy nose, blurred vision, and if you start  
getting any allergic reactions please let an orderly know immediately and I'll fix you up!"  
Great. I'll probably end up worse than I started.  
I eventually return to Petra after having to listen to what seemed like an hour long rant about side  
effects and staying healthy and I drifted off because there was no way I could grasp anything with  
how fast she was talking. Not to mention I had no idea what she was talking about at that point.  
Petra and I go to the cafeteria/lounge area. Its weird. Being around so many new people. I  
wonder what they think of me. Its nerve wracking. Everyone seems to be getting along pretty  
well. How do they talk to each other so easily? How do they know how to fit in? Its scary how  
there are so many different kinds of people in the world. I watch them like they were characters in  
the cartoons I'd watch at home. In fascination and in distance.  
Connie and Sasha are playing poker and Connie keeps on having to scold Sasha for nibbling on  
her cards. Krista and Ymir are side to side in chairs watching some nature program about  
waterfalls on T.V. Not everyone seems to be doing well though.  
Jean is sitting at a table playing chess. He's smiling and having a very in depth conversation. Its  
the happiest I've seen him so far actually, his eyes have a kind of sparkle, is he blushing?  
But there is no one sitting there with him.  
He's playing the game by himself, yet he keeps giggling almost and he says someone's  
name...Marco?  
Then there is Bertholdt in the corner, shaking and barely able to hold up a book to read, he keeps  
looking over the book and glancing nervously everywhere like he's expecting something bad to  
happen. He's sweating rivers, I get more anxious just looking at him. I decide to put off being  
social and go to the bathroom. I ask an orderly that looks somewhat like Mike but his hair is tied  
up. His name is Erd he tells me with a grin and he leads me outside of the restrooms. I'm a little  
surprised when Erd just leaves when I start to step inside. I go in a stall and just sit on the toilet.  
Finally by myself. I finish up and hear the main bathroom door open,  
"Go away, go away, go away, you aren't here." Its Jean's voice. I peek through a crack in the stall  
and see him pacing with his hands over his face. I decide to stay still and silent.  
"I'm sorry Marco, you know I am, please don't say that, you know I didn't mean to. I just can't  
look at you, you know why. Don't touch me, you aren't here, you aren't real, this isn't real."  
His back is against a wall and his hands are still over his eyes and he's jerking away from no one,  
but it looks like he's trying to get away from somebody's grasp.  
"Please don't make me do it, no please, you know I love you, no,no,no,no,no,no please!"  
His hands finally go down his face and his face is contorted into a grotesque mask of terror.  
"NO, MARCO, NO, NO! MARCO! NOOOO!" He's screeching at this point, so intensely that its  
as if his vocal chords are about to snap. He's coiled up on the ground pounding his fists so hard  
into the ground blood starts to puddle beneath them. Its at this point I see Erd and a man with short  
dark brown hair rush into the room and I see Erd press a couple buttons on his bracelet and Jean is  
now motionless facedown wailing. The other man pulls out a needle from his pocket and injects  
Jean and soon Jean is quiet. I decide this is probably a good time to finally get out of the stall and  
get the hell out of here. The two men are startled when I step out, I hold my hands up like white  
flags.  
"Could you tell us what happened? His mother will not be happy about his hands..."  
I look at Jean's hands at the side comment and the fingers look broken and bloody. I shiver in  
disgust and stare at the ground. Why would Erd mention Jean's mother? Anyways,  
"He kept saying sorry to this guy Marco, even though nobody was there, he was covering his eyes  
like he was trying not to look at something, then when he finally did look he started screaming."  
The two men look at each other and kind of nod. Like they expected that.  
"He got in a bad car accident, he was driving and his best friend was in the passenger's seat. He  
always had trouble with his mental health but after Marco he kept seeing the kid everywhere and  
now suffers a pretty bad case of schizophrenia."  
As I watch the other man, Erd refers to him as Gunter, throw Jean onto his back, and I can't help  
but feel sorry for Jean. Sure he was kind of an asshole but he was hurting. I can understand that  
when you feel so helpless inside you transfer that desperation into fury. Maybe we could be  
friends. I walk back into the lounge area and Connie runs towards me and starts hounding me for  
information.  
"Dude everyone could hear him yelling from here, its sounded like he was being tortured or  
burned alive man."  
I tell him what Erd told me and suddenly Connie's excited curious disposition turns upside down.  
The moment I mention Jean's friend dying that's when Connie switches. He's silent and  
expressionless, like a lit light bulb turned off. He just turns around and sits in a chair next to Sasha.  
She kind of looks at him, chewing on her nails like they are cobs of corn or something, and he  
looks ahead, at nothing in the distance.Connie had seemed too normal and happy to me. I  
wondered why he was even here, but his sudden night and day flip of emotions gives me reason  
to think that there is definitely a reason.  
Dinner time is meatloaf and potatoes. I see Bertholdt sitting by himself looking miserable and I  
decide that I'd rather sit with him than with robot Connie and the never ending hunger that is  
Sasha. Plus he just looked so alone I felt bad.  
"Can I sit with you?"  
Bertholdt jumps in his seat and stares at me with owl-ed eyes. He then kind of shrinks into  
himself, like he's ready for something bad to happen, and gives a soft nodding of the head. We eat  
without saying anything for a while. I notice he's reading a book about exotic places in the world,  
some sort of travel guide or something.  
"Anywhere you want to go?" I point at the book he's gently flipping through while having a fork  
of food in his mouth. When he sees my pointed finger approach him he jolts back, like I was  
going to beat him or something. He looks at me but I can tell he sees or is reminded of something  
else in my place, and slowly slumps back into his seat and breathes out when he realizes I'm not a  
threat.  
"I-um-I-I'm sorry, well, um, yes. No where in this book though. I want to go back to my  
hometown." He looks down solemnly and takes another forkful of meatloaf and chews slowly.  
"Where is that?"  
He looks wistfully at the potatoes on his plate.  
"I miss my best friend."  
Not exactly answering my question but at least we are getting somewhere.  
"Me too. My friend from back where I lived, Armin, he loves books about adventure and faraway  
places, I'm sure he'd love the book you have there. He's a lot smarter than me, I miss being able to  
just ask him about things and having them told to me like it was right out of an encyclopedia. I just  
miss him I guess."  
Bertholdt, shakily looks me in the eye, which I feel like is a big deal considering he has only  
looked at my direction for split seconds ever since I've met him. He smiles a small and genuine  
smile and it looks nice on him.  
"Reiner and I have been friends ever since I can remember. He was always protecting me from  
bullies and just being there for me, you know? Its nice knowing that there is someone who cares  
about you." I wonder if he felt Reiner was the only person that cared about him, that's what he  
seems to suggest anyways.  
Patients now stand in lines according to gender and march to our assigned bedrooms.I lay on my  
back and think about all of the people I've met so far. All of my life I've only known my family  
and friend or the characters on T.V. or in books. Actually socially interacting is a whole different  
experience. I try and not think of my parents. I can't sleep. I have gone into every sleeping position  
possible but my eyes stay open and my body stays uncomfortable. I hear orderlys carry Jean back  
into his room, which I find out is right next to mine.  
Sleep strikes me like a bag over the head. Its not pleasant. I see images in an impossibly fast  
slideshow. Blood. So much of it. My mother's eyes rolling to the back of her head. My hands  
squeezing her neck like a tube of toothpaste. My knuckles breaking in the bones of my Father's  
face. His nose crumpling into his skull. I wake up to Petra shaking my arms and pleading for me  
to wake up. I vomit all over myself. She doesn't shriek at the sight or the fact that a good  
proportion of my dinner splashed onto her, she just rubs my back delicately and a man with light  
brown hair and a haircut similar but not nearly as kept as Levi's rushes to the bedside with a  
bucket and to clean the god awful mess I've made. I dry heave into the hallow space of the bucket  
and find that all that has gone into it are tears. I start sobbing and crying till I cry more than I  
breathe and painfully cough for oxygen. Petra, now with a wiped down shirt, just holds me and  
rubs my back.  
I can't tell if what I dreamed was a nightmare or if they were memories.  
Chapter End Notes  
I'm glad I finally started to reveal a little bit of the other patients issues and  
personalities. Levi/Eren to be expected next chapter.  
Lullaby  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
Chapter 4  
All the boys line up to get in the showers. Five male orderlys stand keeping watch, yeah we are  
totally going to attack you balls to the walls naked guys. I understand though, if anything they've  
seen kids crazy enough to do that kind of crap. I lethargically scrub my body with soap, I try not  
thinking of all the blood I'd seen in my nightmares but once the images flash before my eyes I start  
scrubbing myself harder and harder until one of the orderlys, oh the levi copycat, what's his name,  
Aruruo, he tells me  
"Hey Jaeger, you're going to scrub your skin off, go brush your teeth-." He bites his tongue at the  
end of the sentence and it kind of ruins his appearance as a serious authority. I was more than  
happy to get all the fermented barf out of my mouth though, it was making me nauseous as  
hell. My legs feel mechanical. As if separate from my body as they take me step by step to a  
cafeteria table. Today I sit by myself, because I have a killer headache, a stiff and probably  
swollen face from crying and puking my guts out last night and I just can't be bothered by trying  
to smile and maintaining a conversation. Yeah, screw that. I look down at my tray and don't even  
remember getting the food on my plate. Scrambled eggs, toast and blueberries with a mini carton  
of milk on the side.I chew on a piece of toast but don't taste anything. I feel so lonely. Sunday is  
taking too long to arrive, why is there only one visitor's day?  
I observe my mentally disturbed peers. Connie is bright and shiny, I feel as if I just imagined him  
turning into the opposite yesterday. Sasha talks with him with a mouth full of blueberries.  
Oh. Jean. Where is that poor bastard? I find him also sitting by himself. He hasn't touched  
anything on his plate. Gunter walks over to him and helps him try to eat his food, I wince when I  
notice his hands gloved in casts from his incident yesterday.  
Behind his table I find Krista moving food around her plate fastidiously. She's lining up the  
blueberries, circle by circle, until they all line up neatly in rows. When she cuts her scrambled egg,  
she cuts it up into perfect little yellow squares. She gives her bread crusts to Ymir, then cuts her  
toast into another precise square. Once everything is nicely in place on her plate she finally starts  
her meal and begins with her toast. She eats it strangely though, she takes careful bites starting  
from the top left to the top right, everything seems to have to be even for her. I still haven't really  
seen anything particularly weird about Ymir. She's eating quite sloppily, I don't know how they  
are friends.  
It's lounge time now and I decide to sit with the unlikely friends at their table.  
"Hi, what are you guys playing?"  
"Poker." Krista gives me her little sheep smile.  
"Think you can handle it Eren?" Ymir gives me her wolfy grin and I laugh.  
"Psh, poker is a piece of cake. Let's do this."  
So I've discovered that not only is Krista a picky eater, she also kicks ass at Poker. Ymir pesters  
her about how she can be so good but you can tell she kind of admires her. Krista folds and puts  
her cards away finally on a flop set down. Its just Ymir and I. I just so happen to have two aces.  
"You don't have shit Eren, I'll call on all the bets you make." Her eyes are fueled with competitive  
fire.  
"Ha! Both of us know you don't have diddly squat freckles!" Now I'm starting to feel the fire and  
I can't wait to win.  
An ace falls on the river and I just know I'm going to completely annihilate Ymir. We both go all  
in and its down to flipping our cards over.  
"Full house, suck it!" I slam my hand down and look at her hand. She has a flush but its no match  
to my killer full house. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" Ymir screams and its not your  
usual I'm pissed but this is kind of funny normal sort of yell, its the kind of scream you use when  
your house is burned down or something more drastic as that.  
"C-calm down Ymir, you're making a scene..." Krista softly warns.  
"NO THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT I SHOULD HAVE WON MOTHER FUCKER YOU  
MUST HAVE CHEATED!" Ymir then starts slapping all the cards off the table and her face  
looks bloodthirsty and she starts charging towards me.  
"Ymir please!"Krista pulls at her sleeve but Ymir seems to only see red and elbows her away so  
hard Krista falls onto the floor. Ymir is about to try slamming a fist into my face but as soon as her  
her arm goes up, her body falls to the floor like a bag of bricks. Her black collar blinks green and  
suddenly orderlys are all around her.  
"YOU PIECES OF SHIT I'LL KILL YOU ALL YOU FUCKING CUnns-" before another vile  
word sizzles out of her throat she passes out from a needle to the arm.  
I run over to Krista and she's crying.  
"Are you okay?" I help her up and wait for her response while she sniffles.  
"I-i'm fine. W-what are they going to do t-to Ymir? I've never seen her like that. She's usually s-so  
kind." She starts crying again as she watches her friend being carried towards the nurse's quarters.  
"Are you two alright?" Petra looks really worried, her pink lips pinched in concern.  
I've grown quite fond of her, I mean someone who has held you while you are crying and covered  
in vomit is a pretty good person in my book. She kind of reminds me of Mikasa in that way. I  
really miss my sister.  
"What's wrong with Ymir? Please, I need to know! She's a good person, this doesn't make  
sense..." Krista is wiping at her tears with the back of her hands and she looks so sad and  
vulnerable and Petra seems to not stand a chance at not answering.  
"Well, your friend Ymir suffers from Intermittent explosive disorder, IED. Its a behavioral  
disorder characterized by extreme expressions of anger, often to the point of uncontrollable rage,  
that are disproportionate to the situation at hand. She'll be okay and back in no time, alright?"  
Petra rubs Krista's shoulder softly and gives a reassuring smile.  
Its time for group and we all sit down in the circle, just where we had sat before. Only difference  
is that Ymir isn't besides Krista.  
"Today I would like to talk about setting goals." Old man Pixis looks at all of us with a  
determined look in his eyes.  
"Having something to work for, to dream about, that gives one a sense of purpose and meaning."  
I've never really thought about what I want out of life. Its hard enough to get through a day.  
Thinking about the many countless days in the future is impossible and I have never thought of it  
as a good thing. That doesn't mean I don't try. Getting through a day is an accomplishment in itself  
for me and I've been fine with that for a while now.  
"Alright kiddos, anyone want to share your aspirations? They can be small or as great and big as  
the sky." Pixis looks around at all of us. I wonder if any of us know what we want.  
Its quiet. That kind of quiet where a question is buzzing in the air unanswered and you are  
squirming at whether you should try to answer it or let someone else answer it and there's the  
pressure that's so unnerving. My jaw nearly drops when I see Bertholdt shakily raise his arm,  
everyone's eyes are as big as saucers and we watch this guy turn into the Niagara Falls. I can't  
help but feel inspired though. Who knew he had the guts?  
"I- I um. I want t-to be well enough to g-go back to my um hometown." Bertholdt only looks  
down as he wipes his hands on his white slacks and you can see the parts where he wipes because  
the white material turns into a damp grey.  
"That's an excellent goal Bertholdt, that was also very brave of you to speak first. Anyone else?"  
Suddenly its so obvious to me what I want. My dream. Sometimes dreams seem so far fetched and  
unattainable they seem more like fantasies. Bertholdt's bravery sends my arm darting up and I look  
at Pixis with purpose.  
He smiles wryly,"Eren?"  
"I want to go outside. I want to go beyond these walls. I want to be in control of my life." Passion  
steams through my being and I know this is everything I've ever wanted.  
" Yeah, mine is similar, I want to learn how to be in control of myself. I always feel like I'm out of  
control." Connie looks at me with a sympathetic expression.  
"I want to learn how to get rid of the emptiness, to not feel so unsatisfied." Sasha mutters while  
grinding her teeth.  
"I want to know how to be happy." Krista whispers.  
Pixis has a great grin on his face and looks at all that have spoken and says,  
"Those are excellent goals. Very well done."  
I realize the only people who haven't said anything is Annie and Jean. Honestly I had forgotten  
about Annie, she just kind of hides from all social interaction 24/7.  
"Annie? What is a goal of yours?" Pixis and Annie stare at each other. Neither of them break eye  
contact and I don't know how Pixis keeps staring into those insta-freeze arctic blue eyes of  
hers. She is actually the first to break eye contact and she looks at Bertholdt.  
"I want to make my father proud, I can't go home until I do. I want to go back home."  
They kind of both look at each other, and a weird understanding seems to pass between them.  
"I need to know how to forgive myself, I want to live my life and know what's real and what  
isn't." Jean states before Pixis tries to squeeze an answer out of him. Pixis congratulates both of  
them and talks about learning how to take steps towards our goals. Each step matters no matter  
how small. Then group ends.  
I sit at Jean's table at lunch.  
"Did I say you could sit here?"  
"Shut up."  
His eyes kind of widen but soon he gives me a smug smile and I kind of grin at him. We end up  
kind of gossiping, okay yeah completely gossiping about the orderlys. Jean tells me that one of the  
men, Auruo, has a major thing for Petra. We laugh about how impossible such a dork could get  
with Petra.  
I sit down on the leather couch and accidentally sit on a box of tissues and yelp.  
"I said take a seat not take cardboard up the ass." Levi gets a notepad and pen ready in his lap and  
looks sort of amused.  
I throw the damned box of tissues to the other side of the couch and finally sit down.  
"Ugh. I didn't - whatever!" I kind of blush because, yeah that was pretty embarrassing.  
"So, you had a rough night last night?" Levi cuts through the casual bullshit and goes straight to  
serious talk in 0.0000001 seconds.I bite my lip and look to the side. I had just started to forget  
about all of the terrible images and I had to mentally stop them from flooding my thoughts.  
"Yeah..." I mutter and avoid eye contact with Levi, I didn't want his fox grey eyes seeing the  
ugliness I have trapped within me.  
"Oi. Don't just give me a dumb 'yeah', we won't get anywhere with that brat."  
I bite my lip harder, trying to keep my lips sealed with my front teeth, but I know he's right, but its  
hard to talk about the things that scare you the most.  
"I had a nightmare."  
Levi stares and nods.  
"About my parents."  
He scribbles things down then stares again.Then the gates are opened in my head and the blood,  
so much blood, its everywhere again. The blue veins bubbling in my mom's face. My dad's face  
bashed into the back of his skull. The images are quick and sharp and stab through me and soon I  
can't breathe and I look at Levi and he's getting up and coming closer and I can't breathe I can't  
breathe.  
"Shhh, shhh, calm down kid, breathe, use those lungs of yours."  
His arms are around me and he's petting my head. I take a deep breath, its ragged and desperate,  
like when you are under water and you swam too deep and you finally reach the surface and your  
body is fighting for air fighting to survive.  
"I don't think it was a nightmare-" I fight off chest breaking sobs,  
"it was too real, the blood, their faces -"  
I start to weep into his perfectly ironed white button up and I ruin its perfection with the imprint of  
my tear covered face. I hold onto him and he's the only thing keeping me afloat, the only thing that  
keeps me from drowning in myself. He just keeps petting my head and hushing me, and I realize  
how strong he is by the firmness of his arms and chest, I feel safe and that's all that matters. He  
smells like fresh laundry, a mixture of an almost floral scent and fresh cotton. I start to breathe like  
a normal person now.  
I hear his heart beat and its a lullaby and I'm calm and safe and that's all that matters.  
"Are you alright now?" he kind of breaks the warm spell I was under with those cautious words  
and now I feel completely horrified that I just cried like a baby on him and oh god I totally ruined  
his shirt. I pull away from him frantically and stand up probably with an intense blush burning my  
cheeks.  
"I-I'm sorry, t-thank you Sir."  
He gets up and pads down his wrinkled to hell shirt as best as he can.  
"Tch, completely ruined my shirt." This is mortifying he literally thought and said the same exact  
thing I've been thinking. This can't be happening.  
"S-sorry." I bite my lip and pray that I just disappear.  
Levi goes up to me and ruffles my already naturally messy brown hair.  
"It's okay to let go sometimes. There's nothing to be ashamed of kid. No one can be strong all the  
time, if anyone tells you otherwise, they're a shit eating liar."  
I sniffle and laugh, about to wipe the leftover fluids on my face on my arm and Levi grips my arm  
and puts it back to my side.  
"Gross, what are you, a caveman?" he hands me a tissue from that damn kleenex box and I  
reluctantly use it.  
"Go get some rest brat. That'll be it for today." I glance at the clock and realize our thirty minutes  
are up. I must have cried for a long freaking time.I nod and rub out the wetness left on my  
eyelashes with a knuckle.  
"So green." Levi murmurs.  
"What?"  
I think Levi didn't notice he had said it out loud and quickly clears the statement.  
"Your eyes are really green, you cried and they got brighter. Anyways, I have work to do." Levi  
whips around and sits at his desk with his face down rifling through papers.  
I stand there kind of dazed with this tight feeling in my chest, its this strange kind of pain but  
somehow my face hurts from the big smile now on my face. This is an unfamiliar feeling.  
"Thank you? Um, bye then..."  
Its hard to sleep again tonight. Except its different now, all I can think of is the smell of fresh  
laundry, the color of my eyes, and the sound of my caretaker's heart beat. Once I think about that  
consistent, rhythmic drumming of life, I fall asleep instantly.  
Chapter End Notes  
It's 5:53 am. I should be sleeping. Oh well. I'll be updating soon~  
I'm fine  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
My sleep is undisturbed by dreams. Just pitch black meaningless sleep and I'm so grateful. Maybe  
today will be okay.  
I sit with Jean again at breakfast.  
"Why do you look so happy? Wet dream?" Jean points a spoon at the little grin I've been wearing.  
"No! Jesus Jean, I'm just feeling kind of nice today, you weirdo." He snickers then branches off  
with,  
"Hey I've been meaning to ask you, what the hell happened with Ymir and you yesterday?"  
Oh... I look over at their table and find them sitting together like yesterday never happened.  
"I don't know, I won a game of poker and she just flipped out on me. Apparently she has issues  
with anger."  
While I talked, Jean kept glancing to his right, I could tell he was trying hard to focus on what I  
was saying. I wonder if he saw someone, maybe his friend Marco there.  
"Damn well now I know not to get on her bad side, that chick was scary."  
Jean keeps occasionally leaning from his right, the whole breakfast he looks anywhere but that  
direction. I notice that Annie and Bertholdt are now sitting at the same table. I guess they  
bonded after last time's group session. Suddenly there's a commotion over at the cafeteria  
windows.  
"Please give me one more bowl of oatmeal, please I'm just so hungry you don't understand."  
Sasha pleads with Mike, who was in control of serving food to patients today, and he just keeps  
shaking his head. Eventually he just closes the window and Sasha slumps to her knees and wraps  
her arms around her stomach.  
" So hungry. "  
Connie goes over to her and helps her up, then offers her some of his oatmeal. She looks at him  
like he's a fairy tale prince and isn't shy about pretty much eating the rest of his meal.  
“God she’s so weird. Why does she constantly have to be eating all the time, even when she’s not  
she’s always biting her nails. Disgusting. Have you seen her nails? I’m surprised she even has  
hands.”  
I had seen them. They were bitten bloody and I also often find her chomping on her cuticles. That  
didn’t mean we had the right to make fun of her. We were all struggling to be normal, we were  
all trying to fit in.  
“Well you aren’t that normal either so don’t judge her man.”  
“What the fuck does that mean?”  
What I had meant in a completely light hearted way had been twisted. I tried to salvage my point,  
“Well we all aren’t normal so it’s not fair to judge her, that’s all.”  
Jean is still incredibly agitated and starts swatting something or maybe someone at his right side.  
“Not now!” Jean speaks to an empty space to his right. Then he looks back at me even more  
pissed than he was before,  
“ Eren you think you're so much fucking better off than me right? Hell I bet you think I’m the  
most insane person in the room! How could I talk about someone else if I’m soooo fucking crazy  
right?”  
“No no Jean that’s not what I –“  
“Not now Marco!” Jean pushes away the invisible person from his right and continues,  
“You know what Eren ? I know your secret. You think you're so fucking high and mighty,don't  
you? I’m not the insane one here, YOU are. I’ve heard the rumors, you killed your own fucking  
parents and you have the fucking audacity to sit on your high fucking horse and tell me off?  
FUCK YOU EREN FUCK YOU !”  
I sit there in complete shock. The shock starts to boil into scalding rage and my veins are on fire  
and I’m shaking with this seething fury because how fucking dare he how fucking dare he and  
then.  
Darkness.  
Bright lights. Painfully bright. I barely open my eyes so that my eye lashes fence off most of the  
white light searing into my pupils. My body is sore, My body is... it can't move. Why? I adjust to  
the overbearing luminosity and look down to find myself in the dentist-like room where I had first  
met Hanji. I glance to my sides and find an assortment of belts and restraints constraining me to  
the tilted chair. There's an IV in my arm and the fluid going into me is this clean mint green. The  
color some liquid soaps are. I remember what had happened. I'm not angry though. I'm so calm.  
Everything is feathery. Though I wish the restraints weren't so tight. And the lights weren't so  
overbearing. I'd like to take a nice long nap.  
"Ah, so you're awake then?" I wonder how long Hanji has been staring at me in the corner.  
Especially considering how creepy she looks with the light gleaming off her goggles/glasses  
preventing me to see her eyes. I should be scared. But I'm so sleepy and calm. So calm.  
"Did I shift? Is that why -" I yawn. "- I'm here?"  
Hanji walks towards me with a mischievious grin.  
"So you really don't remember anything?"  
I shake my head.  
"What did I do?" I ask without really wanting to know the answer.  
"Oh ho ho who knew you were so strong? I heard you sent Jean flying off of his seat with one  
punch and it took a couple tries for orderlys to get a proper connection to your collar because you  
were fighting off three of them and broke one of their noses! Whose was it... Auruo's, ah the poor  
fella! You kept screaming and calling the orderlys Titans and vowing to kill them all, you were  
quite the force to be reckoned with."  
I realize that the IV connected to my arm must be filled with some type of sedative or some shit  
because I would be a thousand times more mortified than I was right now if I were in my usual  
state. It doesn't completely drown out the bad feelings, a vague queasiness seeps through.  
"Is Auruo okay?" I don't bother asking about Jean because quite frankly I don't even want to think  
about his stupid horseface.  
"He'll be fine, I treated it and he was such a baby but it should heal properly. I heard it was quite  
the left hook you gave him!" She puts her hands up like a boxer and does a soft playful left hook  
to the air. I try and smile but even with the green stuff medicating me, I can't seem to. I had  
physically hurt people again. When would this all stop? I sink more into the medicated numbness.  
Hanji starts with the usual routine doctor procedures again but then she pricks my finger for this  
weird shot that looks like a stapler but isn't.  
"I'm going to run some tests on this!" Her eyes sparkle at the bloodslide and she starts taking off  
my restraints, then the needle in my arm,  
"You seem like yourself now, well maybe a more drugged up version but regardless, I don't think  
we need these anymore!"  
I say thank you and stumble towards the door because my limbs feel like rubber. I feel an arm  
hoop with one of my own and find Petra looking worriedly at me. We don't say anything to each  
other and I'm glad we don't because I'm just so tired from life and she thank the freaking heavens  
takes me to my bed. I fall into bed and feel blankets covering me and tucking me in.  
I'm warm. Suddenly I'm home and I'm calm and its warm and someone is taking care of me.  
"Mommy?" I murmur as sleep starts to roll over me.  
I feel a kiss on my forehead and I open my eyes a little and see my mom looking at me with her  
caring eyes that resemble so much of my own. Mom's face starts to blur and looks a little bit like  
Petra's, is that a tear rolling down her face?  
"Mmm , don't cry mom, I'll be better I promise okay..." I lightly grin to make mom feel better and  
then sleep takes me away completely.  
I've woken up from chattering in the hallway. Some orderlys are talking about something and  
sweet jesus do I feel like shit. The medication must have worn off because the slight soreness I felt  
before now feels so much worse. There are two band-aids on my fingers and bandages wrapped  
around one of my hands, particularly around my thumb knuckle. Gunter walks in my room  
cautiously, I’m guessing he was one of the orderlys that had to hold me down.  
"How long did I sleep? What time is it?" I ask while rubbing the leftovers of sleep from my eyes  
with the back of my worn out hands.  
"You just took a long nap, its just past lunch time, would you be up to going to therapy now or  
would you rather eat first instead?"  
I wasn't hungry in the least bit. I'd much rather be with Levi. If anyone could help me out of the  
mess that was myself, it would be him.  
"I'll just go to therapy."  
I make sure not to sit on the tissue box and sit down properly on the black couch. The door slides  
to a thick shut and Levi is just staring at me poised with pen and notepad.  
"Didn't I tell you to control your hotheadedness kid? So what happened, what did Jean say that  
made you lose your shit?"  
"It wasn't my fault! He was talking trash on Sasha and I told him not to judge anyone and he took  
it personally and -" I clench my fists and wince a little because they are still raw and aching,  
"-he found out about my parents and used it against me." I look down and clench my fists harder  
and savor the pain because it fuels my growing frenzy.  
"Hey hey hey, relax, you are getting too worked up. Look at me." I drag my sight up to lock eyes  
with him.  
"Breathe with me. Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Count to  
three inbetween." He takes a deep breath in and I copy. He holds up one finger, then a second,  
then a third, and then he breathes out. We do this a couple more times and soon my hands are  
relaxed and my lungs no longer feel like metal.  
"Better?" He asks with a tilted head.  
"Better." I feel a big smile take over my face because I do feel better and for the first time in my  
life I feel like I have some control over myself. Levi's eyes widen a little bit, its faint, but I realize  
the more and more I see him the more I catch onto his small changes in expression. He clears his  
throat then continues,  
"You should practice what we just did when you are on your own. Breathing exercises help deconstipate  
your lungs and clear your mind. Do it five times in a row and you'll feel the difference."  
I nod and the smile hasn't left my face. I can do this, I'm taking steps towards my goal. Small  
steps, but like Mr. Pixis mentioned, small steps matter.  
"So, moving on, I'd like to hear about your childhood. What was it like at home?" He approaches  
the subject slowly but steadily and seems to be actively checking my state of being.  
"It was mostly pretty good. My mother was very loving and even though my dad was away a lot  
we got along most of the time. But because of... who I am, everyone was always so protective.  
I've never been outside before. Well, I did maybe when I was really little but I can barely  
remember. I've looked through windows and have seen the outside and society in books and  
television, but I've never really experienced anything... That's what most of the fights were about.  
I wanted to go outside, do something to change the world, to not feel so damn useless. They had  
always promised that when I turned 18 they would finally give me my freedom but changed their  
mind when my birthday came. They said they thought that maybe my disorder might fade or be  
gone by the time I reached adulthood. To be honest I was always so jealous about Mikasa being  
able to go to school and join a sports team and become truly great at something. I mean she's so  
talented and has so much potential. I wish everyone would, could, stop worrying about me and I  
could prove that I'm also capable."  
"You have potential. You have no idea kid. You have determination and that gets you farther than  
most ever will." Levi's eyes glow with the last statement, it sounds like he's talking straight from  
personal experience. I like that he isn't pitying me. It makes me feel...Human.  
"How exactly did Mikasa join your family?"  
" Erm.... Well our families were always close because we were neighbors since Mikasa and I were  
babies, but when her parents passed away we adopted her."  
"How did her parents go?"  
"Uh... I'm not really sure... something bad happened to Mikasa but... no one really told me... I've  
never told anyone this but I remember a little bit about the day her parents died... I remember  
putting a scarf around her neck. She was wearing a dress that had blood splattered all over it...  
That's all I remember but everyone refuses to tell me the whole story."  
Levi's hand seems to be soaring across pages, he does so in a composed manner like writing that  
freaking fast is normal.  
"This Sunday. Find out the whole story. If she knows telling you all of what happened will help  
you, I have no doubt she'll reveal it to you."  
I nod in agreement. I was still excited to see Mikasa , but I was anxious at what I would find out.  
To have it hidden from me almost all of my life, it was going to be a big deal. I close my eyes and  
feel my eyebrows tense together, how could I have done that to my sister? She had already lost  
her parents and now had to go through that horrid experience again. How could I have done -  
I feel a hand touch my cheek, "Hey..."  
I instinctively hold the hand and lean into it, its a reflex because Mikasa used to do the same thing  
to me when I was stressed out like this. The hand smells like him and is so smooth and toasty. I  
then realize what the hell I'm doing and my hand flies off and I jump back into the couch,  
"Ah I'm sorry, I - I- Mikasa used to do that and I- you know- I'm sorry."  
Wow did I have a bad habit of being a complete loser in front of him. A blush seizes my face, I'm  
sure of it, and I fearfully look up at my caretaker.  
" Tch ... " His back is facing me and I see the hand I held in a fist then uncurled, then in a fist  
again, then relaxed finally.  
He walks to his desk but doesn't sit down. He looks up at me and we stare at each other for what  
seems like hours but has probably only been a few seconds. I can hear my heartbeat and my hands  
are starting to sweat and there's something in his eyes I can't read, not yet, and when he finally  
breaks the eye contact to sit down I release a breath I hadn't noticed I'd been holding.  
"You must be hungry." He presses a button on the front of his desk and soon after the door opens  
and Petra is standing at attention.  
"Go get him something to eat. Thanks." Levi commands and Petra nods and smiles at him and  
guides me outside.  
"Are you okay?" Petra is giving me a weird look.  
"Huh?" my body feels light, like I'm a balloon and at any moment the ceiling will open up and I'll  
float away.  
"Your face is really red and... are you sure?" She gives me a quizzical brow.  
My hand finds itself over the place Levi touched.  
"Yeah... I'm fine..."  
Chapter End Notes  
..... *wink wink*...... I'll be updating soon ~  
Song  
Chapter Notes  
For some reason this chapter is a bit choppy on mobile but on a laptop or computer it  
looks fine so idk, just giving a heads up ~  
"I don't want to go to the cafeteria. "  
I groan as Petra starts leading me towards that very damn place. I continue to complain.  
"Everyone's going to be in the lounge area right? And what about Jean? Is that prick there?"  
Petra turns around quickly and places her hands on her hips and leans to the side with attitude.  
"Eren Jaeger! Don't talk like that."  
I stand to attention with my hands at my sides on instinct because god knows when someone  
says your first and last name together shits about to get serious.  
"Yes. Everyone will be there. But we are all a team, ok? Sometimes you're going to get into  
fights with your team mates but you need to figure out how to get along. You all have to help  
each other because in the end you all have the same goal right? Getting better."  
I sigh and look down,  
"But he said all those things... and he knows about what I... did." To be honest I was kind of  
hurt. Though I would never admit it. I had just sort of felt like I could make a true friend in the  
place and he had shot me in the fucking face with my secret.  
Petra sighs and puts a supportive hand on my shoulder.  
"I know what he said was mean and painful but what you need to understand is that Jean wasn't  
his usual self. His illness can make him very emotionally unstable and he's struggling. If he  
tries to say sorry I think you should forgive him. For both of your sakes." Before I can weakly  
argue with her again she turns around and goes to the door and unlocks the code with her bracelet.  
I walk into the cafeteria and feel eyes on me and I just know everyone is staring at me and  
judging me because I'm pretty much a circus freak. I'm taken to the lunch windows and given a  
chicken salad and a bottle of water and sit down by myself.  
Before Petra leaves she leans over next to me and whispers,  
"It'll be fine."  
And I'm left alone eating chicken salad and ugh I hate salad. But I eat it all.  
I walk over to the lounge area  
and everyone is avoiding eye contact with me. I decide I'm going to sit  
in a corner and read a book about animals and I start missing my friend Armin so much.  
I've never felt so alone before. I had always thought that as long as I was around someone or  
people I couldn't feel this way but I was wrong, so wrong. Being in a room where no one likes  
or cares about you has left me anxious and stuck in a pit of self loathing.  
I deserve to be alone. Who would want to be near a psycho like you?  
No one. No one likes you Eren. You only make people's lives worse.  
I think about Petra, Petra cares about me. No she doesn't. She's literally paid to "care" about you.  
Same thing goes with your therapist Levi. I bet your sister and friend won't even visit you  
tomorrow. You deserve to be alone. No one likes you.  
"Um......."  
I drop the book I'm so startled. Jean has a pack of ice pressed against his jaw. I can't help but  
feel a little proud of myself.  
I kind of snap at him, "What?"  
He's sort of looking to the side and looks nervous. He scratches his head with his other hand  
and then makes eye contact.  
"You have a killer right hook, has anyone ever told you that?" He chuckles uneasily and gulps  
when he sees that I don't smile or laugh at his statement and continue glaring at him. I look down  
at his hand actually and now its open at his side in this weird unnatural way. It sort of closesin  
a little in a tense fashion.  
"I um. This morning... I....." he grimaces and is faintly blushing.  
"You...?"  
"Oh don't be a dick! I mean. Um sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry for everything. You were right. We are  
all trying to be normal. I shouldn't have said... that." He looks at me with pained eyes and he  
looks guilty.  
I remember what Petra said.  
"Yeah. It's alright. Your jaw ok?"  
He starts to laugh a little in relief but winces, "Stings like a bitch actually. Do you have bricks for  
knuckles or something? Damn."  
I laugh at this and he tries not to laugh unsuccessfully and I laugh harder at him trying not to laugh  
because his expression is hilarious.  
"Hey what's with your hand?" I point at its strangeness.  
He pulls his hand away from nothing and slides it into his sweatpants pocket.  
"Nothing... hey so are you going to be a nerd and read books in the corner like a loser or are  
you gonna be a true man and play some mutha fuckin monopoly with me?" He looks over at the  
board game shelf.  
I smile and snicker, "I'm going to be a true man." We start to  
play the short version of monopoly and sit together at dinner as well.  
Now I'm lying in bed, kind of content that I have a friend in this monotonous place, I start  
wondering if maybe boarding school  
is sort of like this. Minus everyone being mental wrecks. I'm about to sleep and I start thinking about Jean's weird hand thing. Then it hits me.  
He was holding somebody's hand.  
Breakfast and lounge time go by pretty fast. Jean and I just picked up where we left off at  
Monopoly. Apparently even the short version of monopoly takes about fifty freaking years to  
finish. We are at the point where you try to survive as each diceroll  
sends your ass into heavy financial turmoil. Its Group time before I know it.  
"Today we are going to talk about triggers. If you can identify them, you will learn how you can  
better cope with having whichever triggers they may be." Pixis sounds upbeat, like thinking  
about the things that makes someone fall apart is going to be fun.  
"Would someone like to share one of theirs first?" He gives us all a well worn wrinkled smile.  
"When people talk about food." Sasha blurts out, then makes more of her nails bleed with her  
chattering teeth.  
Jean sighs a little too loudly and I jab him with my elbow.  
"And why is that a trigger to you?" Got to hand it to Pixis, he acted like he was completely  
oblivious to her obsession with food.  
"Because it makes me more hungry than I already am."  
"Mothers. When people talk about their mothers and such. It makes me...think of mine." Krista  
barely utters the last bit.  
Connie whips his head at Krista and adds, "Me too. The mention of death also, it, it makes  
me... its a trigger." Connie's expression turns sullen and off again.  
"Love. Anything romantic really. I hate it." Jean glares at the ground.  
Did I have triggers? I know I'm not supposed to get too emotional, but is there anything specific  
that puts me on edge? Ah, but I know one that's obvious.  
"My parents. Hearing about them. Thinking about them." When I say this Jean gives me an  
apologetic look and I just kind of give him a quick forgiving side smile.  
"I'm sort of like you three." Annie looks at Krista, Connie, and I, "Anything about my father, or  
fathers in general."  
"It...doesn't r-really take much to trigger me. I'm kind of sensitive to everything. I guess like you  
guys, my parents, and also just whenever people make any quick sudden movements around  
me. It reminds me of t-things ..." Bertholdt shrinks into his puddle of sweat. It makes sense  
though, I remember whenever I would get near him he'd flinch or get terrified.  
"When things don't go the way I want them to or expect, that just sets me off." Ymir kind  
of growls and Krista lays a comforting hand on her knee.  
"Now that we have identified them, let's try to understand our triggers. Sasha, if its okay if I begin  
with you, why does food give you anxiety?"  
Sasha stops terrorizing her fingers and stares at him. The elephant in the room that had Sasha's  
name on it was finally called out.  
"... My mother had problems with her weight. She was always fighting to stay skinny and  
beautiful. I get my metabolism from my Father, I can eat as much as I want without really gaining  
much weight, if any. She was always there. Watching me eat. Telling me how much I could eat, if  
she even let me." Her eyes looked haunted, like you could see the memories flickering in her  
vision.  
"She would snatch food away from my hands and would yell at me over and over and over again.  
'You'll get fat, have you looked at your stomach? Its disgusting, it jiggles every time you walk,  
how will any man love you if you look like a pig!' and she'd grab at my sides and squeeze the skin  
so hard that she'd leave marks from her stupid acrylic nails, it didn't matter how hard I was crying.  
It got worse the older I got, it was like she was obsessed with my perfection if she couldn't have it.  
My father wouldn't do anything. He'd just watch and stay silent. At night I would sneak into the  
food pantry and eat as much as I could. When she would catch me or find out she'd starve me for  
days. My father finally picked up the courage to divorce her after she wouldn't let me eat for  
almost two weeks. So now I just... There's this never ending hunger and its all her fault. Its all that  
stupid bitch's fault..." Sasha starts to sob and it just erupts out of her and she heaves into Connie's  
shoulder.  
"My mother she... she hates me. She said she wishes I was never born. My parents are never  
home though. So I'm just. By myself most of the time. I can relate to you S- sasha ." Krista is  
holding back tears,"how it feels to be so tortured by the one person who is always supposed to  
love you." Sasha lifts her head to look at Krista, they get up from their seats to hug each other,  
when Krista sits back down she wipes her eyes and leans her head onto Ymir's shoulder  
and Ymir holds her hand.  
Pixis speaks a bit about once you understand why you have your triggers, try to work with your  
caretaker to start a healing process. He says we will continue on the subject next meeting.  
The happiness that I had gained throughout the morning was sucked dry by the group session. I  
wondered how much pain these other kids have been through. I started feeling bad about how I'd  
felt about my parents when I was growing up. I still resent them for basically locking me up in my  
house but they really did love me. My mother would have never done or said any of the things  
that had happened to Sasha and Krista.  
When I sunk into the black couch I couldn't look Levi in the eye. These negative feelings had  
brought me back to how I'd felt before Jean had apologized to me. Levi didn't care about me. He  
was paid to fix me.  
"Did you make up with Jean? Little birds told me they saw you two talking." Levi's voice is so  
smooth and rich, like dark chocolate. I don't want the voice to betray me with false care. I don't  
want it tricking me into believing its sincerity. I knew nothing about this man. Why should I tell  
him everything about me.  
"Yeah... hey Levi... you are here a lot aren't you? Don't you have a wife or family to go home  
to?" I still can't look up.  
"Its best if we focus on you Jaeger, no need to waste time." He certainly didn't waste time shutting  
my question up.  
"Why should I say anything about myself to someone I don't even know?!" My hands curl into  
fists.  
"Because you want to get better. You said you wanted to go outside and be free one day didn't  
you?" My eyes flicker up to him and I'm sort of surprised he remembers that but of course he  
does, its his job, and now I'm pissed that he's using my words against me.  
"Yes, I do, but its hard to just constantly be rambling my problems to someone who doesn't even  
care!" I stand up because I'm getting riled up and I just can't sit because I don't know why.  
Levi is still so damn calm and coldly commands,"Sit down. You're getting too agitated." No  
raised eyebrow, just shadowed grey eyes. I reluctantly sit down and cross my arms,  
"Psh, don't pout brat." He sighs and taps his pen against the notepad,  
"I live in this building. Caretakers usually stay here on the second floor, unless they do have a  
family or wife to go home to."  
I'm a little surprised that he actually answered and I decide to press my luck with his openness.  
"How old are you?"  
"30."  
"WHAT?" What the fuck. This guy looks like he's at most 25.  
"Now, how have you been feeling today? Has anything been on your mind that you'd like to talk  
about?"  
He's back to therapist mode and I guess I should feel lucky I got that much out of him.  
"Krista and Sasha were talking about how crappy their moms are and I don't know, it made me  
feel guilty because I'd always been so critical on my parents. I mean, they were at least trying to  
keep me safe, you know? Then there are these two girls who had to deal with such horrible  
childhoods. They weren't the burdens, their parents were. Whereas I was a burden, am a  
burden...to everyone." I kind of lean back into the couch and stare at the ceiling.  
"Well it sounds to me like your parents never gave up on you. So you shouldn't give up on  
yourself either. Feeling like no one cares about you, you're an idiot if you think that's actually true.  
Everyone who works here works here because they want to help not only the patients but to find  
ways to alleviate or eliminate the illnesses you all endure. Have you ever thought about why most  
of the employees do their jobs? Not only the patients have their stories kid, the workers do too."  
He was right. How could I have thought for a second that Petra didn't genuinely care? The way  
she had held me when I had that nightmare about my parents, it came so naturally to her to take  
care of me.  
And Levi.  
He hadn't let the fact I had said he didn't care pass, sort of.  
What was his story?  
"You should start thinking about what you want to do with your freedom. Think about what you'd  
like to do, take your time, if you have something to work towards to, you will start to feel less  
shitty and the days won't seem pointless." This guy can seriously go from eloquent to swearing  
sailor in seconds.  
I sit up and nod, "You're right. I'm going to be useful. I can't just wait for things to fall into place."  
Motivation surges and I give him a determined grin.  
"Hey, Levi?"  
"Hm?"  
"Have you ever had to work for your own freedom?" I kind of slowly ask him all of this. It was so  
easy to activate that shield of his.  
"Yes." Well, it wouldn't be like him to give me a nice long detailed story about it.  
"Was it... difficult?"  
"It was - but when I was free I felt that much more satisfied."  
For some reason I just need more out of him. I start fiddling with the bottom of my white t-shirt.  
"...Hey, Levi?"  
He rolls his eyes and with an annoyed tone to his voice and answers,  
"What?"  
"So... you do care about me?" I can't help but get pink faced because what am I even asking and I  
shyly peek up at him through my eyelashes and bite my lip. My hands are beading up with sweat,  
at this rate I swear I'm going to end up like Bertholdt dear god.  
Levi had been sort of bouncing his knee absentmindedly, but now he's completely motionless. His  
perpetual frown turns into a straight line and he's at full attention and his eyes I swear I can see  
some of that profound blue uncover.  
"...Don't be stupid." He looks away and sort of busies himself with getting more comfortable in  
his chair and pulls those sharp bangs of his back just to let them fall back into place.  
"Oh. Um, sorry, you're right. That was a weird question. I am stupid." I lightly laugh and its  
forced and hollow and I get up because now that I see the time, our session is already over and I  
just need to leave because I'm not sure what I was expecting to hear but I feel so hurt, everything  
hurts. I pull at the handle and it doesn't open. I anxiously start pulling it repeatedly but it won't  
budge.  
"Are you trying to break the door, what's with you?" Levi is pulling my arm back to get me away  
from the handle and I turn really fast because I wasn't expecting the physical contact and- he's  
right there. Looking up at me in this vexed manner, he's so small and at this angle I can see how  
soft and delicate his eyelashes look fluttering up at me. His skin looks so pale and soft and yes,  
there it is, that secret blue, and his lips are so sweetly thin yet plump and my breaths are getting  
quicker and -  
he uses the captured arm to drag me back to the couch and I stare at him with my hurt eyes and  
god my heart is racing.  
"Only I or another worker can activate the door to open dumbass..." His breath also sounds  
rushed, so its not only me that feels weird? He curses under his breath and walks to his desk and  
presses a button.  
"Of course I care about you, moron. So stop looking and acting like that." His back is facing me  
and this has happened before, why isn't he showing his face? Regardless of whether this is dejavu  
or not, my mouth has gone dry and its as if all my senses are heightened and my face is on fire and  
why am I even this freaking happy?  
When Petra pops up besides me I sort of yelp and she looks at me with a bewildered look. I turn to  
look at Levi and he has the slightest smirk on his face, Petra seems kind of stunned at the sight of  
him doing so, but snaps out of it and beckons me to join her into the hall. I sort of stumble  
alongside her and I can't think of anything but of his "of course I care about you" and it repeats  
over and over like a song stuck in my head, except I could never get sick of this song.  
Handkerchief  
Awareness hums through me as I turnover in bed. I miss being able to tell if its morning or not. I  
remember the window in my own room, being able to see a sun filtering through light brown  
curtains and the light chatter of birds outside to greet me into the new day. It must be pretty early  
now though, or maybe late at night, because the lights are still off. I curl into my sheets and tuck  
myself into a blanket burrito, I have a nagging feeling something important is today but I'm still  
groggy with fatigue.  
Its a Sunday, its visitor's day.  
I should be excited, or maybe I shouldn't. The guilt and the unnerving anticipation of seeing her  
face, if she would even be there, how she'd feel towards me, and if she'd tell the tale that I have  
been kept from knowing for so long. Maybe sleep can ease this all away, I wish I could just go to  
sleep forever. I wouldn't have to deal with anyone, certainly not myself. What If I just slipped into  
a coma? But isn't that similar to wanting to die though? I would never... but I can't help but  
wonder - would anyone really miss me?  
I wonder if Levi would care... wait... he said he does so... My face burns and what a stupid  
thought, what am I even thinking about? My thoughts now drift to the memory of how he looked  
up at me... His face... up close he looked so delicate... he wasn't as intimidating, so small, almost  
vulnerable... but when Levi had held me that one time... I knew that the man had to be stronger  
than he looked. The somewhat casual suit Levi would always wear hinted that there was probably  
more muscle underneath...  
Wait a second. No no no no, why would I even care what was underneath anyways? Boys only  
think about girls that way. In the movies and cartoons, and books I've read, it was always a girl  
and a guy. I must simply admire him a lot. Yeah, that's it. I mean, he's so in control of himself  
(unlike me), he seems intelligent (yeah I'm not the brightest), he seems to be really successful, and  
even though he might come off as rude he really... is kind...  
The fluorescent lights flicker on and I groan and smash my face into my pillow. Petra walks in and  
her eyebrows shoot up in surprise that I'm actually up in bed now and not drooling away on my  
pillow like usual.  
"This is a surprise, how long have you been up Eren?" she looks concerned but when I smile at  
her, her concern turns into cheerful curiosity.  
"Not too long, I guess I just woke up early today."  
"That makes sense, you must be jittery considering its visiting day. You'll be able to see family  
and friends after breakfast, there's a visitors room with tables and such so you can sit and chat with  
whoever came to see you." She grins, then puts a hand on my shoulder.  
"Its going to be great, alright? Your sister called in this morning and she's coming over to see you,  
she seemed eager so please don't worry okay?"  
God Petra is so sweet, I guess I'm pretty easy to read. "Thanks Petra." She nods and I head over to  
get ready with the line of other guys in the shower room.  
I'm so nervous eating and keeping down breakfast doesn't seem possible, Jean asks me if I have  
someone visiting me today, and I say yes and reciprocate the question back at him. He says his  
mother will be visiting. He then goes on to say what a pain in the ass she can be, how she never  
knocked before coming in his room, and I laughed and almost told him my mom used to do the  
same thing, I don't mention that though because I don't want to make things awkward. I try to  
push the memories away because it just hurts to much to recall them.  
Almost everyone gets up to see family or friends, all but Krista. It seems that Ymir had a friend  
visiting but she tried to stay to keep Krista company anyways, but Krista shooed her off and gave  
that forced smile she always gives. Its a painful sight to see. The rest of us go into this somewhat  
big room that has a bunch of see through cubicles, I'm guessing its for privacy, audio wise. My  
throat is clamping up and my muscles feel like they are all cramping and I search the small crowd  
of guests, then my eyes latch onto a bright red scarf among them. I slowly look up and its Mikasa,  
she never takes off that scarf I gave her so many years ago, which also reminds me now of what I  
have to ask her. We make eye contact and her usual impassive expression she wears melts into  
wide eyed happiness, tears start to fill her eyes, I've never seen her like this, and she runs across  
the room and hugs me so tight I start to cough.  
"Eren!" when she senses she's crushing me her arms loosen around me but she doesn't let go. I  
hug her back and I can breathe normally again and god it feels so good to be loved and accepted. I  
don't deserve this but here she is, enveloping me with her forgiveness. I squeeze my eyes shut and  
a couple tears escape my eyes and after what seems a lovely forever, we pull apart.  
"What is this? Are they hurting you?" Mikasa pokes at the collar with a scowl on her face.  
"Oh no, If anything these things keep us from hurting other people." After I say this her fiery  
anger is watered down with somberness. I try to ignore the obvious reason why and find us a  
cubicle to talk in. After we are seated I ball up my hands and look into her sad blue eyes. There  
are new faint purple bags pooling underneath them now though.  
"Mikasa, I'm so sorr-" the apology spills out of me like hot water but is interrupted by a swift flat  
palm signaling me to stop. She shakes her head.  
But that's not enough to keep me from continuing,"Are you okay? Does Armin hate me? How do  
you not hate me? Mikas-"  
"Eren! Calm down. Okay? You didn't mean to... You are still my brother and I love you. Armin  
and his grandfather have been so wonderful with me, you have nothing to worry about. Armin is  
going to visit next Sunday, he would have today but we both agreed it would be good if you and I  
met alone the first time. Armin said that the program you are in is almost impossible to get into  
unless you are rich and influential so this treatment is top notch, we are Lucky that dad was so  
famous in this field of work."  
I knew it. The way some of the patients here described their home life, how expensive everything  
looks, how much money it would take to run a program like this in general. Mikasa now reaches  
over to me and cups my cheek, I lean into it and I let myself cry a little in relief, how I could have  
such amazing people in my life, I would never really know. Her hand on my face sparks my  
memory with Levi, and I take a couple deep breaths and remember I have to ask her.  
"Mikasa. My caretaker, basically my therapist told me that I needed to ask you what happened the  
day I gave you that scarf." I look at her with purpose, I won't back down this time. "I need to  
know, it will help me get better."  
Her hand stiffens against my cheek and she slowly withdraws it back to her scarf. She lightly tugs  
at it, and nuzzles her nose into it. She averts my burning gaze and looks down. We don't say  
anything for a while and then she makes eye contact with me again. She lifts her face out of the  
scarf and sighs,  
"Alright." Her hands drift to the bottom of the scarf and she grips one of the ends as if to steady  
her self. "You already know that my family was good friends with yours from the get go. My  
father and your father were best friends in highschool and never drifted apart. Your dad would  
give my family check ups for free and -" She clears her throat," One day, when we were 8 years  
old, you and your father went to visit for one of those regular check ups. Except -" she takes a  
deep breath "You both had found my parents murdered not so far from the doorway. That's when  
it happened, when you shifted for the first time, according to your dad. You saw all the blood and  
the mutilation of it all and you had said 'I'll kill them all.' Remember the old abandoned warehouse  
by our neighborhood you, Armin, and I would play in as kids? Did you ever wonder why I never  
wanted to go in there after that?" her voice had turned shaky, "You made a smart guess and ran  
over there...When I saw you I -" she was trying her best not to cry and was looking up at the  
ceiling to keep tears from rolling down her face,"I was so scared. You had grabbed a knife from  
my kitchen and and it happened all so fast... You stabbed one of the men, then found some rope  
from the warehouse and tied the knife to the back of an old mop and impaled the other man.  
Seeing you dare to take action gave me the strength to grab one of the guns one of my captors  
dropped and I shot the last man left. After that... I found you hunched..." her tears had stopped and  
blood was draining out of her face, "you were eating them. You kept muttering 'Titans' over and  
over again. I got so freaked out I - I ran out to get help and now...Here we are."  
My mind is blank. I grip the table because I'm so light headed from the weight of what I just  
heard, I can't trust my body or mind really, to stay afloat. I ate people. Like a cannibal. Like a  
monster. Like a... Titan. It all makes sense. My father had read me the Greek myths about them  
when I was probably 8 and when I had seen death in front of my eyes, I could only think of the  
things I feared most at the time could have done something like that. But by killing the men and  
saving Mikasa, I had also become something demented and horrifying, I became what I feared  
most in a way.  
Cold sweat sheets my quivering body and I turn to the side quickly and vomit all over the pristine  
floor. Mikasa is by my side in a flash and she hugs me. "Its not your fault, none of this is any of  
your fault. You couldn't control yourself. Maybe here, you might be able to get more of that  
control. I believe in you Eren."  
Orderlys rush inside our cubicle and clean the mess. I'm taken to the nurses office and they hook  
me up to the green soap looking liquid again, and I calm down. They let Mikasa stay by my side  
until visiting hour is over. She holds my hand and tries to distract my quaking thoughts with how  
well she's been doing in Lacrosse, how Armin is going to be valedictorian for her grade at school.  
I try to give her a believable grin when she has to go, she gives me a beautiful supportive smile  
and when she finally is gone I drop the facade of being better and let my face fall into my hands.  
A man named Moblit, apparently Hanji's medical assistant, goes to up my dosage of something, I  
don't know what, but I fall asleep in a thick fog.  
A voice is calling out to me... It grows louder and louder and slowly breaks through the fog of my  
medicated sleep.  
"Eren? You need to eat dinner. Eren? Eren its dinnertime already." Its Petra, she's gently moving  
my shoulder back and forth to jog me back to my senses. The memories of earlier today crash over  
me in a tidal wave of horror and I grip my head with splayed hands and oh god oh god -  
"Today must have really taken its toll on you, it will get better, you just have to trust in us. The  
Wings of Freedom is here for you, I'm here for you, okay?" She rubs my arm and I can't look at  
her face, I can't look at anything. My parents aren't the only people i have killed. Although the  
men who had murdered Mikasa's parents deserved it, the weight of it all crushes me. My parents,  
they didn't deserve it they didn't. Wait.  
Wait.  
That day. Or night. When I had woken up. In a puddle of blood. The red tile. The. chunks of.  
The chunks of meat in my mouth.  
"Sweetheart?" Petra's voice is weary and her hand on my arm starts to tense up. Mom used to call  
me sweetheart, I did that, to her, I -  
I start screaming. I scream so viciously my voice is searing with pain, my voice starts to crack and  
I don't recognize my voice because it sounds inhuman and I'm not human I'm not human IDarkness.  
Commotion. I'm paralyzed. The world swirls around me, I'm being thrown over someone's  
shoulder, Someone is on the ground. People are around the person on the ground. I'm in my room.  
My eyes start to focus. Its Petra. She's not moving. Her face is this ghastly blue, like the color of  
veins, her hands are at her throat and there is a pool of spit bubbling up from her blue lips and her  
eyes are shut. People are carrying her away now. I can't see her anymore because I'm being  
thrown onto my bed. My throat is burning. My arms are being chained up to my bedpost.  
Something sharp and silver is moving towards my neck.  
I slip away into the medicated fog.  
My pills used to be white. They are red now. They knew I hadn't gotten better. I've been in bed  
for the whole day now. Hanji sometimes comes in to do some checkups and she already took a  
sample of my blood again. She isn't her usual giddy self, she's serious, in a weird way determined.  
I bet everyone is scrambling to figure out a way to treat me. Moblit and Gunter are at the door.  
They're afraid I might shift again. I'm too scared to ask if Petra is dead. It would only add to the  
list of people that were dead because of me. I can't afford to think of those things. My mind and  
body just can't handle it.  
I don't eat any of the food they set at the foot of my bed on a tray. Auruo tells me to eat the meal,  
he scolds me like I'm a vile creature, which I am, I deserve it. No one trusts me. I stay silent and  
on my side facing the empty white of the wall. I'm numb. Nothing matters. No one comes in my  
room for a while and I'm left alone in my catatonic state. Time does not exist and Im awake but  
not awake. Nothing matters. The door opens and shuts. I don't turn to see who's there. I stay  
staring at the white abyss of the wall.  
"Kid."  
My body stirs. I know that dumb nickname. I know that deep velvet of a voice. I stay still and shut  
my eyes. I bet I've disappointed him. I can't face him.  
I feel a weight deposit itself at the foot of my bed. I bunge my body up into the wall. I feel heavy  
grey eyes capturing me. Don't look at me.  
"Was it because of what Mikasa said?" His voice is soft, like if his voice was too loud I might  
shatter.  
All I can do is nod my head. I can't ignore this man's questions. I can't ignore him as much as I  
want to. Why is that? It must be because I'm guilty that he has to take care of a violent nutcase like  
me. He seems to notice the head nod and continues,  
"Can you tell me what she said that made you so upset?"  
I don't want him to know. I don't want anyone else to know. Because I want him to see me as a  
human. I don't have the right to want such a thing. But I want it. So badly. I change the subject to  
something I've been needing to know desperately but have been desperately avoiding,  
"Is Petra -" a sob escapes my throat but I try to reign it in, "is she alive?" I can't hold up the  
anxiety so I weep and my whole body shakes from the anguish. Please, please let her be alive.  
"Yes." I get up quickly with my whole face leaking and I'm trembling because it seems too good  
to be true. He seems a little startled by my sudden movement and his arms flex and his eyes go  
steely, but when he sees my face it all dissolves into this warm compassion. His eyebrows furrow  
but there's that buried blue that surfaces in his gaze.  
"R-really? I'm so - happy." I press my palms against my eyes and weep.  
"Jesus kid, you're making such a mess out of yourself. Come here." His voice turns a bit stern but  
I don't mind, I don't mind at all. I start to crawl towards him but my chains pull me back and I  
remember why they are there and I look at him with terrible shame burning through me. I retreat  
back to my corner near the wall and hold my knees against my chest.  
"You shouldn't get near me. What I did to Petra.. My parents... Levi I..." I take in a sharp inhale of  
air, "I killed two men who killed Mikasa's parents, then I - I" I brace myself for him to hate me, to  
be disgusted by me, "I called them Titans and I probably thought since I killed I had become a  
titan, a terrible creature as well, so I, I ate pieces of them. I think I did the same with my paren-"  
my gag reflex goes off and it takes all of my strength not to hurl. I sit there trying to hold the  
contents of my stomach inside and wait for him to leave.  
"I already know. I've read the police reports. I thought you should find out from family instead."  
My jaw drops and I turn around to face him and I fall apart.  
"I don't want to be this way! I'm tired of living like this! I want to help and change for the better  
and I'm trying so hard Levi, sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone all of my life, that I'm  
going to scare everyone away at some point." I wrap my arms around myself and my face is  
dripping and I try to tell him exactly how I feel through my devastated stare.  
He gets up swiftly and sits on the bedside as near as he can, "Get over here." He looks angry but  
in a sort of frustrated way, like he's giving in to something.  
I crawl over to him and sit in front of him on my knees and I go to wipe my face with the back of  
my hands but,  
"C'mon you aren't a snot faced toddler, maybe a snot faced brat, but not a toddler." He pulls a  
handkerchief out of his grey sweatpants, wait sweatpants? I realize he is wearing pajama wear, a  
long black sleeve shirt and did he leave his bedroom just to check up on me? Does anyone else  
know he's here? That also explains why the light is so dim in my room as well, are there light  
settings or something? But now my mind stops altogether because he's reaching up to my face.  
He wipes the aftermath of crying off gently, he seems focused and doesn't look me in the eye. I  
sniff and clear my nose when he tells me to into the poor handkerchief. The longsleeve black shirt  
is loose and his collarbones are so defined and slip underneath the fabric so daintily, it also shows  
off the shape of his toned arms. He leans over to throw the handkerchief into the trash and his  
neck is stretched and beautiful, this long line of porcelain and I've never wanted to touch  
somebody so much in my life.  
I grab his arm gingerly,his body freezes up, and then I pull him into a hug because he makes me  
feel like I'm not alone and that means so much. I need him closer, so much closer. His chin doesn't  
rest on my shoulder and his hands are on my chest and for some reason that makes my whole  
body shiver with a foreign feeling, he's half heartedly pushing me away.  
"What do you think you are doing?" His voice is a bit rigid, but it doesn't have the same smooth  
calm it usually carries.  
"I- I don't know I just, I've been around so many people and I've been by myself, but you alone  
seem to take all the loneliness away." I press my face into the crook of his neck and murmur,  
"Thank you" against his skin. His breath hitches and the warm raw scent of his cotton fresh skin is  
so enticing I don't even realize I press my lips onto his neck. His hands are now gripping my shirt  
and he leans himself into me with a surprised, "Mm!" and his breaths are shaky and for some  
reason I want more of his surprised out of character responses, I want to know more of this side of  
him. My breathing is getting slow and thick and I tighten my hold around his firm but slender  
body, to my dismay though, he roughly breaks free of my embrace and utters,  
"Enough. As your caretaker it's good to hear that you are comfortable around me. Now that you  
seem to be better, I'm going to let you get some rest." It all sounds mechanical and his face is back  
to its stoic expression except - there seems to be faint color in his cheeks, but I can't be sure  
because of how dim the lighting is in here. He doesn't wait for me to say goodnight or goodbye  
and soon the door shuts behind him.  
This heat won't leave me though and I'm left sitting on my bed with an unexplored aching in my  
chest.  
Peas  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
I still haven't seen Petra anywhere. A couple days have passed and I keep waiting for her to wake  
me up, to catch me when I fall out of a nightmare. Except now its just the rough shake of a  
random orderly that forces me back into grim reality. I realize now that Petra didn't have to be the  
one to check on me, but she chose to be the one there for me, and why she would want to be with  
a boy who can't control his own shadow, I couldn't say. What I do know is that I miss her terribly.  
She made this sterile and cold place a bit warm, the way that people can make a place feel like a  
home just by being there with you.  
I try not to think about her bubbling blue visage, I try to cram it in the vault of terrors I've buried  
deep into my unconscious with all the other sins I've been victim to. That's what happens though  
when you miss someone. Suddenly they are everywhere. When I sit here at the table listening to  
Jean rant about his mother choosing her fifth too young husband, how she should date a guy who  
doesn't look like he could be Jean's older brother, I think about Petra holding my shoulder telling  
me things are going to be okay. Jean seems to be better though, he doesn't really glance to the side  
as often as he used to, he doesn't look like he's trying to hide the fact that someone is there that no  
one else can see.  
In group today Connie speaks about how his mother lost the battle to Cancer when he was a kid,  
he talks about how he has nightmares about her wide open eyes when she died, laying on her  
back, looking at him. We could all watch his expression slowly start to go sour, his skin like old  
milk, at this point I've sort of decided that he probably has a bad case of Bi- Polar Disorder. I had  
thought about it the other night, I've realized that the red pills make me more of an insomniac than  
the white ones had as well, but anyways, my Dad had talked about the disorder and how people  
would be happy and bright then dramatically turn angry or upset about any given thing, or so sad  
they could barely move.  
Jean finally decides to speak up about his past, and I can't help but stare at him through the corner  
of my eye, not wanting to scare him off from confession by burning a hole through his head from  
directly staring.  
"I can't believe its been two years. I was 16. I swear to god the people that die young are the  
people who should have lived the most. Marco. It feels weird saying his name to other people. I've  
been telling myself that he isn't here, that he's a hallucination, for so long that I sort of forget that at  
one point other people could see him too, you know? I don't know why he was my friend, I am a  
pretty shitty human being but he saw something good in me, something worth being friends with.  
He always saw the good in people though, that's what was so great about him. In this world where  
people pick away at others until there is nothing but a scramble of insults and judgement left,  
Marco saw people for the little things they did. He liked that I was cautious and afraid, he said it  
made people want to follow me because I could understand other's fear and look at things  
realistically. He could turn the things you thought were the worst about yourself, and make them  
beautiful."  
Jean's face shudders into a devastated grimace. "And how could I have not fallen in love with  
him? How could he have fallen in love with me? But somehow, I, this boy who saw things that  
weren't there, could now only see him. He helped take away the darkness, he made me better, he  
made me brighter." Tears are already hanging at his chin and dripping onto his t-shirt. "When my  
mom found out that I was gay, she thought it was part of my illness, that it wasn't real. Marco held  
my hand when I confessed to her, and when she started to tear me apart with her words, he  
defended me, and we ran out of that damned house together. I had grabbed the keys off the dining  
table to my Mom's Ferrari and we sped off."  
He told the story now as if he could see it happening, not as a memory. "It had been raining and...  
Oh god Marco told me to slow down, he was trying to calm me down with that soft sweet voice  
of his and he didn't even -" his voice croaks at the end, he clears his throat speak, it takes a couple  
tries before he can somewhat recover his voice again, "that idiot didn't even put on his god damn  
seatbelt, why didn't he ever think about himself? So when I swerved too fast and the rain on the  
road sent my car skidding off the road and and I - I - he -" his face is in his hands, he starts to  
shake and I'm not sure whether to put a hand on his back for support or to give him space, so I just  
do nothing uselessly and continue listening,  
"We hit a couple of trees, I was knocked out for I don't know how long. I pulled myself out of the  
wreckage and - and Marco wasn't in his seat he - there was glass everywhere and blood and and -  
fuck, fuck, fuck, his body was fucking torn through sharp branches of the thick forest and his  
body fuck fuck fuck it, it, the blood, oh god he was mangled, one of his arms had been - had been  
torn off and the side of his face - his poor face - I - I'm sorry - I can't-"  
I decide to rub his back, it was the least I could do.  
"The worst thing is I can't blame his death on anyone else. It's all my fault. I know. I know if I  
open my eyes right now I'll see him - like - like that in front of me. I've been talking to Levi  
though and god I know Marco wouldn't blame me, but the guilt still eats away at me. But." He  
clenches his fists and sniffs up his running nose and grabs a Kleenex Pixis hands him to help clean  
up then goes on,  
"If I choose to make Marco my... sort of like my guardian angel... then I think. I think I can get  
better. If he's by my side smiling, even if its not real, even if when he holds my hand he's not  
really there, maybe I can be the person he saw in me. Maybe I can face the world again." He  
smiles, its the first time I've seen him smile this way. Its not the usual smirk or joking grin, its a  
sincere smile that holds hope. He gives me a thankful look and I sort of nod at him. I really do  
hope this jerk gets better.  
I didn't know that Levi was also Jean's caretaker. How did I not know that. As the patients leave  
group to enter the cafeteria and start to grab their trays of lunch I ask Jean in line,  
"So what do you think of Levi?" I try to ask this casually, why am I so nervous talking about him  
though? Its not a big deal... though it feels like it is somehow...  
"Oh? Is he also your caretaker? Um. He's short as fuck." He snorts and I roll my eyes but can't  
help but kind of smile, Levi was quite... short... but in a good way.. the kind of way that makes  
you want to hold the person... wait...  
Jean continues, but more seriously, "He's sort of cold and distant, but he's good at what he does  
and I don't know. I feel like he doesn't look down on me, like he takes what I say seriously? Even  
if he has a terrible fucking potty mouth for a caretaker, I can't help but respect him." So it wasn't  
only me that felt respect towards Levi. Maybe it wasn't weird that I thought about him all the time.  
Especially after that night... when he checked up on me in his pajamas... that loose black  
longsleeve...  
I accidentally bump into Krista, distracted by thoughts of Levi, and I thank the good lord freaking  
jesus that Ymir didn't see what happened because she's taking her pill(s) in front of Mike.Her fork  
falls down and she and I both reach to grab it - that's when I notice. The sleeve on her right arm  
rides up a bit reaching and I see angry pink lines screaming out from her white skin. She catches  
me looking and I've never seen her look so horrified, she looks like an animal that is cornered, and  
she snatches the fork and rushes to Ymir's side.  
"S-sorry." I say too late.  
The wounds looked pretty fresh, and I can't help but think about how much pain she must be in to  
do that to herself. I understand though, how the physical pain numbs the emotional pain. Though I  
don't understand to that degree, because I bite my lip or punch walls (or people) but I haven't felt  
that level of desperation for an escape from despair. But maybe that's because my... other self sort  
of takes over at that point. I wish I could reach out to her. But people seem so far away sometimes.  
Speaking of far away, Levi has been especially cold and distant since the night I hugged him...like  
that... I don't understand why it feels like I'm in an oven when I think about that. I hated how  
whenever I would try to learn more things about him he would shut me down before I could finish  
the sentence. Or how he hasn't been close to me since. In a way I feel like he's avoiding me... But  
why is it so important that I get close to Levi? My blackouts have gone significantly down and last  
much shorter periods of time, lately I catch myself getting angry and I remember the breathing  
exercises... and I remember how Levi soothed me... This pain in my chest. Its different from the  
other pains I've felt in my life.  
"Hey Jean?" I fiddle with my green peas with my spoon.  
"What Jaeger?" He says openly chewing his food and I kind of look down at my plate because  
god that's gross he's such a damned weirdo.  
"So uh, if someone can't stop thinking about a person and wants to constantly be close to the  
person and their chest kind of hurts, what does that mean?" I take a mouthful of peas and chew  
furiously, why was that so hard to ask?  
Jean stops eating, and I swear to god he gives me that slow curling evil fucking Grinch smile and  
tilts his head to the side.  
"Who is it?" He leers.  
"Hmmph?" my mouth is still chomping on peas and I'm grateful because how did he know I was  
talking about myself.  
"Who's the person you're in love with?"  
I start to choke on my fucking peas.  
Erd runs by my side quickly and performs the heimlich maneuver on me, and the peas spray out of  
my mouth like a form of disgusting confetti. Jean all the while, laughing his dumb horseface off,  
and I can't even glare at him because love? No this couldn't be love.  
But once he had said it.  
I knew it was true.  
Gunter takes me down the caretaker hallway and I see Levi is out of his office standing at the end  
with Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith is talking in a very low and soft voice, leaning down over Levi, saying  
something in his ear. Levi's face remains uncaring and impassive, but there is this deep and ugly  
feeling that starts scalding my fragile calm at seeing their close proximity. How come Erwin could  
whisper so damn close to Levi's face, near the neck that I had my face buried in only a couple  
days ago? Mr. Smith glances at me then makes his exit back into his stupid gold plated office.  
Erwin Smith. Perfect name for a douche bag.  
Wait stop, he's actually a good man, this is about Levi, and how come blondie could tower over  
him and get all intimate while I was kept at more than an arm's length? I glared at the ground,  
because I didn't have the guts to glare at Levi like that, not now, when I was becoming all too  
aware of my feelings for him.  
I sit down on the far end of the couch, as far away as possible from Levi, as he sits behind his  
damn desk. He always sat across from me, away from the desk, he was reachable, but now he's  
hidden behind the desk like its a wooden fortress. He notices my indifference immediately,  
compared to how I've been craving his attention like an excited dumb puppy lately, it wouldn't be  
hard to pick up.  
"Something happen today?" He prods with a sort of bored but slightly curious voice.  
I keep seeing Erwin leaning over him and my teeth grind together, I mean Mr. Smith was an  
esteemed and influential man, closer to his age probably, probably dependable, probably not a  
psycho like me -  
"Hey. You ignoring me?" he starts to get bothered by my silence but then lets out a shallow breath  
then returns back to his uninterested self.  
"If you don't say anything I might as well get Gunter to come retrieve you." His pen starts tapping  
on his notepad and I finally face that deep blue stare. The next string of words fly out of my mouth  
and I nearly growl them out,  
"So you are pretty close with Mr. Smith huh?" His eyebrows just barely go up in surprise.  
"That isn't relevant to your progress, why don't we-"  
"No how about you tell me why you can get so up close and personal with the blonde giant but  
you act like I'm a fucking Leper?" my bloodstream starts to sizzle throughout my body, I can't  
even control what I'm saying.  
"He's my boss and we've known each other for a long time and I have no idea what you are  
talking about, I've been nothing but normal with you. Now stop acting like a brat and lets try to  
focu-"  
"No!" I don't even realize I'm standing and walking straight up to his desk till my hands slam  
down on the desk counter. Levi doesn't flinch, but his brow starts to crease together.  
"Is it because I hugged you that night? I thought it was okay to because - because - you've just  
always been there for me before and now I feel like I can't reach you!" I'm not sure whether to  
scream or cry but everything hurts and I don't want this distance, I don't want any distance period.  
"Of course you can reach me, all you have to do is sit down and talk and for shit's sake settle  
down Jaeger." His voice is flat and good fucking god that makes me furious because was it really  
only me feeling this way? Was love supposed to feel like you're being torn to shreds? Was this  
one sided?  
"That's not enough!" I walk around the desk and face him straight on, my face and body burning  
with rage and maybe something else and I look at him and he's everything I want and-  
Darkness.  
Chapter End Notes  
aha.... well then....  
Cold Shower  
Chapter Notes  
Levi's POV. Short as hell so I apologise in advance but I'll be updating soon anyways  
I shouldn't have let it escalate this far. The moment Eren had gotten up from the couch and even  
before that... I had shown him too much affection. And why had that been? Because he reminded  
me of her. And those damn green eyes, so puppy like and expressive. They caught me off  
guard, gripping my chest in a way that leaves me weak. I couldn't stand knowing he was upset, all  
those times going beyond my strict boundaries to make sure he wasn't being an idiot and hating  
himself.  
At first he really was just this monster to tame. Seeing the boy shift so dramatically thrilled me  
because he would be the biggest challenge of my career. But then. When he had broke down  
telling me about his nightmare I realized that, no, he wasn't this monster I had to tame. He was a  
kid scared shitless who needed someone to save him from himself.  
"That's not enough!" Eren shouts. The boy is at his emotional peak, I know its too late, the way  
his face has now melted down into a sickening calm. His eyes are menacingly heavy lidded and  
he has a smile stretched so wide it looks painful and this isn't exciting, not anymore, not when the  
boy is pushing me down across my desk having me lay on my back underneath him. How is he  
so god damn strong, I can't push him off of me, his hands are gripping my wrists so fucking tight  
that they will leave bruises. This form must set off an unusual amount of adrenaline, almost  
everyone has heard of the cases where the mom lifts the car off her child's leg or some shit, this  
must be similar.  
"Snap out of it Eren! Wake up!" I try to get him out of that hellish state of his but now his face is  
centimeters away from my face and fuck I'm actually terrified because I know what this thing that  
isn't Eren has done to its victims, I brace myself, squeezing my eyes shut as I feel his mouth hover  
over right next to my ear.  
"Mine ." His voice is a husky growl, it doesn't even sound like Eren's , and a few seconds of  
confusion and pure panic rush like acid through me. It was primal, this state of his is him at his  
most basic instinctual self. It registers to me now that Eren is more attached to me than I had  
thought, he wants me to be his. What I had been fearing is true, all too true, and a shudder ripples  
throughout my body at the revelation. No. I have to stop this.  
"Stop ." I give him my most chilling forbidding voice, maybe I could still get the real Eren to  
surface.  
His tongue is hot and trails from the bottom of my neck up along my jaw back to my ear, an  
involuntary whimper passes through my lips and I try to force my way out of his hold but freeze  
when I feel his teeth against my neck. Its as if he's... tasting me.  
His teeth graze along down to my collarbones to the buttons of my shirt. He lets out a snarl  
and goes through my buttons, grabbing them by the teeth, ripping them off and spitting them out  
to the side one by one. That fucker was ruining my shirt - and my composure.  
My chest is now exposed, I try to kick him off of me but he uses his knees to pull my thighs apart  
and renders them useless with his practically inhuman strength. He sweeps his tongue up the  
middle crease of my abs then over to suck and bite at my nipples. I cry out and no its not because  
I'm scared, though, I am, its because. This is all starting to feel - good. Fuck. Fuck.  
" Stop. Eren sto -!" I had tried another attempt at stirring him back to normal with an authoritative  
voice but felt him placing more sucks and bites downwards until he released one of my wrists to  
grab at my groin over my pants, I shamefully let out a loud moan at the contact. Fuck I'm getting  
hard, I need to end this now, but how? He slips his hand under both the waist band of my pants  
and boxer briefs to stroke me dry and fuck I can't help but groan trapped in this terrible  
pleasure. "N-no....Mnn...!" I weakly protest. As I turn my head to the side in embarrassment I  
notice the wrist he had released happened to be the wrist that had my control bracelet around it. I  
press the correct buttons with my trembling bottom lip and Eren finally goes limp.  
I push his paralyzed body off of me and bolt up breathing much too hard and rub my wrists. They  
are an angry red and printed with his fingers. I try to clean myself up as best I can, I pick up the  
black cardigan resting on the back of my desk chair and I button it up till it covers my ruined white  
collared shirt. I hurriedly pick up the buttons that have been scattered on the carpet while  
muttering shit shit shit fucken shit fuck like the scholar I am. Once the mess is collected in my  
trash bin I straighten out my hair.  
No one can know about this. Well. They can know about his blacking out but not. Not what he  
just did to me. How he feels towards me. Because I should have only felt disgust and complete  
fear, that's all I should have felt. But somehow knowing that he could have hurt me, but chose the  
opposite... This shitty brat will be the end of me I swear. I could lose my job, have my reputation  
horrifically pissed on. This is not okay, I am better than this, people say I'm the best and I am. This  
won't happen again. Eren won't remember this happened, there's still time for him to switch to  
another therapist.  
Nausea strikes at me, I don't want to give up on him. Because this is my responsibility. My  
greatest challenge. Nothing more. This was just a situation that got out of hand. I won’t let this  
happen again, I keep repeating this over and over again and almost jump when I hear a shaky soft  
voice,  
"L- levi ?" knowing he's back to normal helps to soothe my spiked nerves, I clear my throat and  
give him a relaxed response.  
"You just shifted kid. I'm fine, everything is fine." In a way I'm trying to tell myself everything  
will be fine as well.  
"Oh. o-okay."  
He still sounds a bit freaked out so I take a deep silent breath and start to approach him, his cheek  
is pressed against the desk away from me so he can't see me do so. I flip him so that he's laying on  
his back, his face is flushed and his eyes are wild and darting all over me, his breathing is labored  
and he starts to stutter as he focuses his attention somewhere near my face.  
"W- hy is your neck red? Oh god Levi did I hurt you? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! " His face  
scrunches up in pain and those stupid sea green eyes shine with the swelling of tears in them  
and how could the bastard manage to look so - so - cute after looking so fucking scary.  
"What did I just say? I'm fine. So stop worrying. It'll take about 10 minutes for you to regain  
movement, I'll send someone in to get you to your room." I watch a couple of tears slip out the  
corners of his eyes and shit this kid, who had been an unstoppable and horrifying force just  
moments ago, is crying here so defenseless and looking up at me with this tender concern that has  
my hand cradling his face, wiping some of the tears away with the massaging of my thumb. His  
eyes close and he hums sadly to the touch. My thumb almost traces over those small pudgy lips of  
his. Almost.  
"There's nothing between Erwin and I." I can hardly believe I'm telling him this but here I  
am. Grade A moron being manipulated by a brat. His eyes blink open in surprise, I keep my hand  
where it is.  
"He and his family took me in when I was a teenager. I was homeless at the time. He's like a  
brother to me." I say casually, as if what I'm talking about isn't a big deal to me . This brat needs  
to know that so he doesn't have to get angry every time he sees me talk to Erwin, that's the only  
reason why I'm revealing my past to him.  
I pull my hand away and Eren faintly whines at the absence of it and I almost smirk but I think  
I've shown him enough of myself today already. I press the button on the corner of my desk to  
signal an orderly in. Erd's eyes pop out like a frog's when he realizes that I've used my bracelet  
against Eren but I wave my hand to stop any of the likely dumb words about to spill out of him  
and roll my eyes.  
"Just take him to his room. Actually, let Hanji give him a checkup and then let him rest. That'll be  
all." I stand behind the desk because I'm not sure if the situation in my pants is obvious or not, I  
was pretty much calmed down now but I would rather be safer than screwed.  
Erd slowly nods and throws Eren over his back like a bag of potatoes and marches away, the door  
closes behind him. I walk over to my chair and let myself slump down in it, pressing my thumb  
and index finger around the bridge of my nose, a moist feeling tickles my skin and I lift my collar  
forward so I can peek and assess the damage done. Hickeys. God damnit.  
I need a shower. To think. To curse rampantly. To get the sticky feeling off of my body... Fuck. I  
need a cold ass shower.  
Buddha  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
I had almost hurt Levi. Hell, I could have killed him. And over what? Because I lost my cool over  
just seeing him and Erwin standing too close for my comfort. That's not love. Love is when you  
try to do what's best for the person of your affections, not what you think is best for yourself. I'm  
so selfish. So fucking stupid. As I sit here swirling my dumb mashed potatoes with my spoon in  
self hate, Jean talks about how he had heard someone throwing up in the girl's bathroom. I sort of  
nod my head at his gossip and give non committal replies like, "uh huh" and so forth.  
I lay in bed now in a fetal position, holding a pillow in my arms. I feel so ashamed. There's a  
reason why Levi always calls me a brat, its because I am one. I've been taking advantage of the  
fact that its his fucking job to take care of me. God I am the immature shambles of a human being.  
What I need to start working on is becoming healthier, instead of relying on the aid of others to get  
by. If I really love Levi, I'll just answer his questions truthfully and try to forget all about him.  
That's exactly what I'll do. Levi had said he had been homeless when he was a teenager. How did  
he end up where he is now? He told me how he had to work hard for his freedom, work hard to  
probably get to where he is now. I need to stop having tantrums and move forward. My door  
creaks open and I spring up cautiously, my eyes try to adjust to the figure standing at the doorway.  
"Hello Eren." the voice is familiar and no it couldn't be it can't be.  
"Petra?" I can hardly get her name out and yes, her copper hair and those sweet honey eyes and...  
the brace around her neck...  
"I'm so sorry Petra, you know I never wanted to hurt you, I'm so -" She quickly rushes by my  
side,  
" Shhhh, shhhhh, its okay, I know you didn't mean to. Relax." She pets my head as I rest my chin  
on her shoulder. I open my eyes and I see another silhouette at the door, its Auruo, and he's  
looking at Petra like she's an angel. Though honestly, I think she just might be.  
"Why are you so kind to me?" I keep my chin on her shoulder and it feels so nice to be petted and  
taken care of. I missed this so much, I missed her so much. But it didn't make sense. Why would  
she go right back into the lion's den after almost being mauled?  
She's quiet and pulls away, sitting beside me on the edge of the bed she's looking down with a sad  
smile then looking back up at me.  
"I never knew my mother. My father worked hard to provide for my brother and I, but because he  
worked so much he was never home. My brother had Down Syndrome and a couple other  
medical issues. He was also blind. I had to take care of him nearly every second of the day. I  
asked God everyday why I was cursed with having such a brother, I was bitter and didn't treat him  
as well as I could have. Whenever he had a fit and would hit me and hurt me the resentment in me  
only grew stronger." Petra pinches her lip with her teeth and her eyebrows squeeze together  
mournfully,  
" How could I have been so cruel? So self centered? What was it like for him? To be mentally  
disabled, to be blind and so frightened of the world. To feel unloved by the person closest to you.  
It was only when he was dying, he was still so young Eren, and he was holding my hand, tracing  
his thumb around the wrinkles of my fingers, that I realized how insensitive I had been with him.  
His last words were -" Petra breathes through her nose and I can tell she's trying to be strong,"his  
last words were, 'I'm scared sissy.' I've felt guilty all of my life about how poorly I had treated my  
brother. In a way working here has made me feel that I can atone for how awful I was as a sibling.  
It makes me happy to be here for you Eren. I wont quit you, you are a wonderful little darling, and  
I want to see you become the best that you can be okay?" Her eyes are watery and her smile is so  
damn sincere and warmhearted I can't help but give her a hug.  
"Thank you." Its all I can muster. I should have said how she shouldn't feel so guilty because she  
was only a child too, that she shouldn't have had to deal with so much at a young age but I don't.  
Maybe one day I will, yeah, someday.  
She tucks me in and I cover my face with the covers almost all the way but have my nose peeking  
out, Petra giggles and pokes my nose and says goodnight. Auruo and her look at each other  
lovingly and I know that they are probably a couple now. I'm happy for them, happy for Petra, she  
deserves only the best.  
Days pass without much conflict. Some disturbances, but that's whats expected of living in a  
place like this. I sit on the black couch and I tell him my progress, the side effects I've noticed from  
taking the pill (nothing so bad, a bit of insomnia and a little shakiness of my hands), and my  
thoughts and feelings in general.  
I look into his eyes occasionally, but I try to refrain from doing so. Its hard looking into the eyes of  
someone you know will never want you the way you want them. I put on smiles when I should,  
even though I catch Levi's natural frown deepening whenever I do. He taught me to use imagery  
when I start to get too emotional, to visualize a relaxing experience, from memory or imagination.  
I choose to think of seeing the beach for the first time. I close my eyes and picture a vast blue  
expanse, soft beige sand tucked in between my toes, the feeling of the sun kissing my face. Its a  
good visual that calms me and reminds me of my ultimate goal of being free.  
I don't try picking at him for tidbits about himself, his past, I don't say hello or goodbye, I try to  
keep things as cold and professional as possible. Sometimes I feel like he wants to ask me why I'm  
acting different, but its as if he catches himself about to question and shuts down. Its probably just  
me wishing for things I can't have. Because that's how people work right? Always wanting what  
we can't hold, can't kiss, can't have.  
Its visiting day already and when I see the mop of blonde hair across the room and Mikasa's  
hushed grin, I rush across the room (the orderlys of course hollered for us to walk) and hug Armin  
and I can't help but laugh because oh god it was great to have my best friend again. We pull back  
and he's teary eyed and punches me in the arm. I return the light punch and we just kind of stare  
at each other and the warmth spreads throughout my body because maybe things will actually be  
okay. Maybe things are getting better.  
Armin asks me all about the procedures and routines I have to follow everyday. I tell him  
and Mikasaabout the okay food and group therapy and the one on one therapy and he soaks  
everything I say in so eagerly with those bright blue attentive eyes of his. I tell them about the  
other patients and how its nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to struggle with his/her  
inner demons. I don't talk about Levi because these two know me so well, they'd know in an  
instant that something was up. Armin tells me how he's been accepted to a couple Ivy league  
schools and wow I'm so excited for him and I congratulate him. I can't help but feel a tiny pang of  
jealousy though. He goes on about how amazing the campuses are and having to pack and get  
ready to be on his own and I know I can't have any of that because I'm trapped in a world that  
never changes . Not know, not anytime soon. But I don't want to ruin his moment so I keep an  
overjoyed face on for him.  
Saying goodbye is tough, but we know we will be able to see each other next week, but that  
doesn't keep Armin and Mikasa from giving me back breaking hugs.  
"Today I'd like us to discuss bad habits. Sometimes they are hardly noticeable, other times they  
consume lives, either way, they are self destructive. Bad habits stem from anxiety and fears. By  
connecting your fears and anxieties to your habits, you give yourself a chance to transform those  
bad habits into productive positive habits." Pixis is a bit more serious today, though he does still  
give off that friendly vibe .  
Jean is the first to volunteer information about himself.  
"Um sometimes I crack my knuckles a lot? does that mean something?" Jean sort of stares at his  
knuckles dumbly and I shoot him a look that says, really?  
" Do you crack your knuckles when you are feeling anxious or scared?" Pixis, the good man,  
actually takes this into consideration.  
" Oh... no, not really." God Jean was such a dweeb.  
"I bite my nails a lot. I usually do when I'm feeling hungry, and being hungry makes me really  
anxious." Sasha ironically says while ripping a hangnail of her thumbnail.  
"Yeah that’s not the only bad habit yo -" Ymir is stopped by the quiet but sharp patronizing of  
Krista besides her.  
Sasha turns beet red and she slowly puts her hands down in-between her thighs and I can tell by  
the way she's squeezing her eyes shut she wishes she could just dissapear . Pixis shoots Ymir a  
stern warning of a look and then his gaze softens when it returns to Sasha.  
"No she's right I - I... can't keep food down." Nearly everyone in the room has their face twisted  
in complete confusion. All except the other girls, who all sort of look at each other like they know  
the secret. Pixis' expression doesn't twist though, it stays soft and open, he waits for her with  
skilled patience.  
"I eat so much and I love to eat but my body rejects it sooner or later. Its like this never ending  
cycle of need, I feel cursed, but its like my mother's words have never stopped repeating  
themselves in my head. The words sink into my skin and make me horribly sick, suddenly my  
fingers are down my throat and I need to be empty, this unintelligible panic goes through me and it  
only goes away when all the food is out of me. Mr. Pixis, how do I make the words stop? How  
can I replace all of the bad and terror with something good? Is it even possible for someone as  
screwed up as me?" Her eyebrows are furrowed and she's smiling, but its that kind of smile that  
drips with hopelessness and scorn.  
"When you eat Sasha, do you taste the food? Do you take your time? Or are you still feeling the  
desperation that you felt as a little girl? Eating as much as you can before you get caught?"  
Sasha's jaw drops and Pixis seems to have hit her right on target, he continues,  
"Taste the food Sasha. Close your eyes. Repeat the words in your head, even out loud, 'it's okay.'  
Eat with your eyes closed, chew your food completely, breathe , eat until you are full. You say  
you love food Sasha, but to me it sounds as if food has become a battle, and maybe it is for you,  
but food is supposed to be pleasurable, it helps us live, no one is going to punish you anymore my  
dear."  
Sasha already has a tissue over her face as she wipes off her sadness and grief, she gets up  
and Pixis stands to receive her incoming hug. She cries for a while and everyone is silent. I feel a  
peace settle in the air though, as if I can sense the weight of a terrible childhood being lifted off  
her shoulders. Pixis speaks more about how the past so often keeps us prisoner, and he says he  
wants to continue the subject next session. Connie puts his arm around Sasha and they walk out  
linked together, I can't help but grin because its always nice to see care and compassion. It’s a rare  
sight to see.  
Levi taps his pen against the paper. He's been doing this sort of tick more than usual. Its been hard  
to talk to him lately. We've been talking about goals and I've decided that I want to travel, I  
mentioned wanting to be in the Peace Corps but he said that could be potentially dangerous  
considering that seeing people treated badly or in destitute conditions could trigger the worst in  
me. It was a possibility though, depending on how well I do in the program. I definitely want to  
go to college, I feel like I've missed so much already. Although I give him determined answers,  
they are quick, and I try not to spend so much time in that dark alluring gaze of his. Its been like  
this for a while, I try keeping my distance the best I can, so I can keep him safe from myself, but  
its as if he can pick up on it all. Well of course he can, he's known for being the best at analyzing  
his patients.  
I've been suspecting a little frustration on his end, I can tell by how he's been tapping that damn  
pen of his more often, but I don't expect him to get up and take a seat besides me on the couch. He  
crosses a leg and looks at me directly,  
"Do you dislike me Eren?" His face is completely unreadable, though he sounds care-free, I see a  
sort of stiffness in his expression. I'm surprised as hell though, but I try to calm down and focus on  
my hands in front of me.  
"No... You are my caretaker, your job is to make sure I'm healthy and happy." I try to sound  
indifferent like he does, but its just not in my nature to do so completely and a somewhat dejected  
tone slips into my answer.  
"That's good." Though the way he says this sounds a bit defeated, like he wants to say more,  
though its probably my eager imagination playing with my mind. I feel his piercing grey shift  
away from me and he sort of looks off to the side. Is that it? Why would he ask me something like  
that? It has nothing to do with my progress, not really. Could it be that... I very slowly let my sight  
turn over to catch him fiddling with his bangs, I don't turn my head in hope that he doesn't notice  
me taking him in... He looks almost nervous... A tension thickens in the room, I've become  
conscious of my breathing, I've become conscious of everything, I can hear the ticking of the  
clock again. Even the ticking of my heart, like there is a mute countdown where sooner or later  
my chest might explode from this sort of secret suspense looming in between us.  
His eyes start wandering to the side, but he doesn't turn his head, and I find myself caught in dark  
blue. I sort of giggle because I'm pretty sure we were doing the same exact thing, both not wanting  
to be caught, but why, why would he feel the need to do the same?  
"What are you snickering about you little brat?" Though his words are harsh, his face has sort of  
lifted and he seems to be holding back a relieved smile. He kicks at my leg and that only makes  
me want to laugh more, but my laughter starts to turn into shallow breathing because he's now  
sitting so close to me, watching the end of my laugh, watching my teeth lightly bite into my lip,  
and I wish I could read his mind. Could it be that, he wants to... to kiss me?  
I get up and stand next to the door, staring intently at the door handle. If I care about Levi I'll stay  
away, because he's only worried about me, I'm just trying to trick myself into thinking he wants  
me to be more than his patient. Levi looks pissed though, he takes his time getting up and walking  
step by step towards me. He has sort of a sneer on, but if I didn't know any better, he looks kind of  
hurt, like I offended him.  
"Therapy isn't even over yet... Are you that eager to leave?" His eyes look lighter now, this soft  
blue, the constant stern features being betrayed by this... by that loneliness I had seen when I had  
first been here alone with him. Its unmistakable now and how could I lie, now when he looks the  
most fragile I've seen him?  
"...No." The response comes out of me in a whisper, because I lack the oxygen in my lungs to  
muster more out of me. How could I say I want to leave when he's looking up at me again, when  
his hand is softly pulling me at my white shirt collar, when there's a soft dusting of pink on his  
cheeks.  
"god damnit." Levi curses with a hoarse voice, and its not directed at me I don't think, its directed  
to no one in particular, maybe its directed to something bigger, like God or fate or Buddha for all I  
freaking know. He looks back down at where his hand is gripping my shirt and his stare gradually  
reaches up to my own. He licks his lips absentmindedly and he searches my eyes. I don't need to  
search his though, because I already know that he is exactly who I want.  
Chapter End Notes  
...............well then...  
Valley of Darkness  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
I couldn't tell who began the kiss. It wasn't how I imagined it'd be at first, like the mad passionate  
stuff cooked up in all the movies. It was hesitant and surreal, a toe dipped in the bathtub to check  
if its hot or cold. But once we sank into each other's lips, sank into that cozy muscle melting, nerve  
tingling heat of each other, I needed more , much more. More of his minty sweetness, more of  
this surging happiness numbing away the world beneath my feet. My hands settle on his lithe hips  
and I sigh in content as our lips meet together again and again, each kiss deeper, more hungry for  
this forbidden fruit that tastes so damn good. His tongue slips into my mouth and I'm nervous  
because I have no clue how this works but I let him lead while humming to the wonderfully  
unaccustomed sensations. His tongue massages my own in a titillating pattern and my mind just  
about short circuits because everything is happening so fast and everything feels so amazing.  
When we pull apart, he says my name softly with his eyes still closed like the end of a prayer. The  
sight burns away all hesitation in me and I pick him up by the waist and hurriedly guide him to sit  
atop his desk, he's heavier than he looks but that hardly matters. He wraps his legs around my hips  
to balance himself and I set him on top of some of some papers that causes Levi to stir irritably,  
"Watch it brat, you are making a mes -" I lift him up into another kiss with one arm and sweep  
away all the stupid shit ( in the way of me getting his ass down) onto the carpet with my other  
arm. Levi curses into our continued make out session and he wraps his arms around my neck,  
making sure to tug at my hair for what I'm sure is mild punishment for my reckless behavior. I  
don't mind it at all, in fact I can't help but moan at the act, which seems to trigger Levi into pulling  
harder till my chin is pointed at the ceiling. He begins to suck at the crook of my neck and I  
stammer out his name and whine, feeling him chuckle against my skin.  
Its weird being able to touch someone the way you want to touch them, its like I've always been  
reaching for him and now he's here, reaching for me, wanting me back. I start to feel afraid,  
because what if I do something wrong? I don't want to lose him. I'm afraid to lose all of the  
happiness, all of the hope that's being given to me. People like me, cursed with the endless rain of  
misfortune, never get to see the sun without being blinded.  
He leaves open mouthed kisses up my neck softly and I start to get dizzy, "L-Levi wait. " My  
hands shakily slide up to the back of his shoulders. He pulls away quickly and looks at me with  
an alert and completely concerned expression. He unhooks his arms around my neck swiftly and  
sets them down on the desk, that blue of his turning grey and steely. He looks to the side  
and raspily mutters,  
"Shit."  
Well said Levi.  
"That was... completely unprofessional of me. I'm sorry. You should leave." His voice has  
returned to its cold and controlled workings and oh god he has the wrong idea because he sets his  
feet down around mine and tries to duck under my arms. We both jump in place though when we  
hear knocking at the door. I scramble to the couch while Levi just about flies to his desk chair and  
we both try to remove all traces of our hookup as fast as we can. The door opens.  
"Its already 10 minutes past the end of Eren's session so I was just checking to see if things were  
okay." Gunter glances at both Levi and myself, somehow Levi looks like he just took a relaxing  
nap and I'm here freaking huffing and puffing like the wolf in three little pigs.  
Gunter looks over at Levi, "Is he alright sir?" Yeah, lets just pretend I can’t hear you when I'm  
standing right next to you Gunter. Kind of a dick move, but right now I'm more worried, worried  
sick about the fact that Levi thinks I regret kissing him when it’s the absofuckinglutely opposite.  
"Of course. You can escort Eren out now." Levi starts scribbling down on those stupid important  
papers of his and doesn't even try to answer my pleading stare with so much as a glance.  
I try playing poker but its impossible because all I can think of is how much I screwed up and Jean  
thinks I'm upset because he is beating me at the moment with that dumb goofy smirk of his and I  
couldn't care less about kings and queens and aces and shit.  
Darkness  
"What the fuck Eren?"  
I blink a couple times as I come back to my senses. I look in front of me and all of my cards have  
been shredded into tiny pieces. Ugh.  
"Okay, are you alright? Is it my amazing poker skills that's eating away at ya or is there something  
else? You just um, switched or something right now right?" I appreciate that Jean is attempting to  
be sensitive and I also watch Auruo start to walk over with a new pack of cards in his hand and an  
untrusting squint of the eyes.  
"Yeah, I just... screwed up with..." With my fucking therapist.  
"Oh is it a love problem? I'm not surprised you fucked things up but, what's the issue? Is it  
someone I know? Its Petra isn't it?" He wiggles his eyebrows and I kick his leg and he laughs with  
a hand rubbing his afflicted leg.  
"Hell no its not Petra, its not like that! But..." I sigh and cross my arms onto the table and bury my  
face in them and mumble, "yeah I did fuck up." I lift my chin up and notice the fresh pack of cards  
have been placed on the table. "Things were going too fast and I just got scared. Now... they think  
I don't like them at all. I've never really...been in a...relationship before so I just..." As much as I  
hate to admit it, even in the safety of my own mind, Jean had more relationship experience than  
me. Even if things had turned out badly, it wasn't his fault, life just really knows how to ruin  
people sometimes.  
Jean looks to the side and smiles up at something, well, someone, then returns his attention to me.  
"Alright you don't have to tell me who it is. And duh Jaeger, its pretty obvious you are a virgin -"  
I glare daggers at him, "you just need to say to them what you just told me. Be upfront and honest.  
If she or he isn't comfortable with you being inexperienced and nervous then they can shove a  
cactus up their ass." Oh no. He was right.  
Who knows what time it was when I fell asleep that night, I kept repeating possible situations in  
my head, different ways I could tell him how I felt, different ways I would be accepted, and  
mostly different ways I would be rejected. I'll do my best though, because if I don't at least try, I'll  
fail anyways.  
I start zoning out in group therapy. We are still going over bad habits and Ymir and Connie had  
been discussing with Pixis their habits but it wasn't anything really emotional or groundbreaking  
so I decided to practice what I'd say to Levi in my head instead.  
"I have a bad habit of counting people's buttons. Counting things in general." Annie answers  
whatever Pixis tried asking her.  
Ymir snorts,  
"I call bullshit on that. Why do you lie about everything Annie?"  
Both of these chicks are pretty scary in my book. Bertholdt looks like he might be in danger of  
drowning in his own sweat and he looks at Ymir then Annie with wide eyes. Jean leans over and  
whispers to me, "this should be good." I sort of nod and watch Annie keep a relaxed deposition as  
she tilts her head to the side. She glances over to Krista.  
"You are completely right. I actually cut my wrists." Annie says without blinking, and by the look  
of sheer calm on her face, without feeling.  
I can't help but shoot a stare at Krista, remembering the sad glimpse of her red lined pain on her  
wrists. Ymir's face goes nearly purple from rage and Krista is petrified. Ymir lunges forward and  
she looks like she's ready to rip Annie's head off screaming,  
"YOU FUCKING LYING BITCH!" Pixis nimbly presses a couple buttons on his bracelet  
and Ymir is reduced to a seething puddle of limbs on the ground. An orderly comes in and  
needles Ymir then carries her away, leaving Krista to fend for herself, well, not completely.  
"Annie, I know from reading your records that you show no history or present case of self  
harm." Pixis is firm and looks at Annie like he knows that she is purposefully trying to jab  
at Ymir, Krista, and probably the man himself.  
"Maybe that's your bad habit then." Krista is holding onto the sides of her seat with white  
knuckles, but she has an almost, yeah I don't know how but, an accepting small smile on her face.  
I'm half expecting a halo to appear above her head. Annie doesn't respond. The somewhat playful  
nature is now dulled, she seems bored by the response.  
"I know that you know my bad habit. That I... harm myself. Pixis, what you said last session,  
about habits sometimes consuming lives, that's what it feels like. All of the anxiety, all of the  
sadness, all of the fear, every time I feel anything bad or make a mistake I feel an instant need to  
punish myself. I feel its gone beyond a bad habit, that doesn't give this terrifying monster of an  
impulse justice, its an addiction."  
Sasha gets up from her seat and sits in Ymir's seat, I don't think Krista has realized she's been  
crying and she seems surprised when Sasha gives her a Kleenex and a hand on the back.  
"How did it begin then? Find the source." Pixis speaks gently and he folds his hands in his lap.  
"When my mother said she wished I wasn't born. When I was 8. It started with just pinching or  
slapping my face or hitting things enough to hurt myself. Then I got older, it escalated, the pinches  
turned into scratching and the nails on my fingers turned into blades." Her usually sky blue eyes  
have turned stormy, her mask slipping, the smile fading.  
"So is the driving force the fear of rejection dear?" Pixis cautiously introduces the notion.  
Krista lets the thought settle and stir in her mind, then nods slowly, we can hear her weeping now.  
"How could anyone accept me if my own mother doesn't? How could anyone want me." She  
leans into Sasha and a couple of Sasha's own tears land on Krista's t-shirt, grey spots on the white  
fabric.  
"You are one of the nicest people I have ever met, you smile and try to make others happy. You  
are more than deserving to be loved and accepted. I'm sure anyone here would agree." Sasha is  
the one to say this and we all take turns agreeing and saying words of encouragement, all except  
Annie of course.  
Pixis is the last to agree and he gives her more support and advice, then he turns to tell us all that  
we need to face the source of our sadness, our anger, our fear, only then can we face and help  
alleviate our issues.  
I start to go through the hallway towards Levi's office. Its the valley of darkness, but I try to keep  
my chin up and say exactly how I feel. I have no problem saying what I think to just about  
everybody else so... so... but he's not like everybody else.  
The door shuts behind me and I see Levi leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed. I  
just have to say what I feel and everything will be oka-  
"I won't be your caretaker anymore." Levi states this matter of factly.  
Wait. What? No. This can't be happening. Hell no.  
"You can't just make decisions like that on your own!" My voice rattles out of me and I'm  
thankful that these walls are sound proof.  
"I can and I will. Its clear that we have a very inappropriate relationship and I am clearly not fit to  
be in this position." That unrelenting grey stare is set on me, though one of his hands is tapping  
incessantly. He continues as I start to strengthen my resolve,  
"We have another capable caretaker Mr. Dawk, he is-" I interrupt him before he can finish his  
sentence,  
"No." I walk up to him and stand before him, I look at the carpet, take a deep breath, then lift my  
gaze to a surprised dark blue and confess,  
"I like you!" my face imitates a tomato I'm sure and my voice starts to quiver and my eyes start to  
burn,"Y-you were my first kiss okay? I'm inexperienced and nervous and please Levi please don't  
leav-" before I can finish my sentence I find arms securing around me and hear,  
"That's not fair." He just about growls into my shoulder. I lean over and hug him back tightly,  
"You can't just say things like that and look like that. How am I supposed to..." He steps back a  
little bit to get a look at me and cradles my face with his hands. I look at those sweet porcelain  
features, that vulnerable blue, and set my hands over his, closing my eyes and leaning into one of  
his palms. I feel his lips tentatively press against mine, and yes, they belong there. He pulls back,  
"We still need to discuss your well being and your future you manipulative little shit..." I bring his  
hands together with my own and bring them to my chest,  
"We will! But you know, I want to know more about you too, I want to know everything." He  
rolls his eyes but I keep my stare unwavering and intent. He takes his hands out of my grasp and  
takes a seat in his chair. He can't be serious, is he really never going to tell me anything about  
himself? How are we ever going to get closer if he remains so distant with his memories and  
experiences? His expression goes back to its usual serious demeanor,  
"In time."  
Chapter End Notes  
Levi's past next chapter ~  
Follow me  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
Screaming. Waking up to the sounds of pain is a familiar, but however familiar, it is always a  
splash of sharp sound to jolt up in bed to. I realize it isn't me who is screaming, I hear feet  
scattering around in the room next door. Its Jean.  
Damnit. I hope he isn't getting bad again, out of all of us he seemed to be progressing the farthest  
back to some sort of mental stability. The best kind we kind of people can get I suppose.  
The screams have stopped. He is being comforted by the arms of injected meds, I wonder if he  
will be okay. I wonder if any of us ever will be. It must be late at night, I can just feel it. It’s a  
terrible thing, to be awake and alone in the dead of the night. Alone with the darkest parts of  
myself, the red, starts to flash behind my eyelids as I squeeze my eyes shut. I try to calm myself  
down. Go to a place that relaxes me, I try to find the beach, those beautiful blue waves, about my  
freedom, but the waves turn crimson and sinister, they drown me in my guilt, I start to see my  
parents, floating in the crimson, I have to relax, find a safe place like Levi said.  
Levi. I remember his fresh laundry smell and the way my restless body was kept anchored down  
by his warm strength. I hear his voice, calming me down, Eren, Eren... His soft black hair, that  
secret blue... Eren...  
And this time, the darkness that finds me, is sleep.  
Weeks go by so fast, everyone seems to be gradually getting better, I'd like to think we all did it on  
our own, the therapy and heart to hearts being the sole reason. But the meds play their role too.  
Although they have their side effects, they help us, well at least me, get a better grip on our  
illness. Jean has his good days and down days, though they seem to be more good than bad. His  
night terrors are lessening and I've noticed my nightmares are lessening as well.  
Group therapy is a little more upbeat now, sometimes we joke around which is so different than  
things used to be around here, that graveyard atmosphere has sort of gone away. Annie is still  
despondent though, I used to think she might have been a compulsive liar but when I talked to  
Armin about her he said that she's probably a sociopath or something. Which makes sense seeing  
as its hard for her to sympathize with others, and the fact that she doesn't really show emotions.  
It was creepy though, one day at group we were talking about handling our illnesses in public or  
something and how to deal with people who don't understand what we have to go through and  
she kind of made a scene. Ever since that one incident with Krista, Ymir has pretty much hated  
Annie's guts, and when we were on the subject of dealing with people Ymir said something like  
"Annie doesn't give a shit about other people so you don't need to ask the bitch anything." and  
Krista tried salvaging the situation with a sentence along the lines of, "Annie is friends  
with Bertholdt right? She isn't a bad person." and Annie made a weird noise.  
I thought she might have been crying but no, when the noises got louder and louder I realized she  
was laughing, laughing hard enough for tears in her eyes. She didn't even explain herself, but it  
seemed like she might have been laughing at what Krista said, But I've never been too good at  
reading into these sort of things.  
Sessions with Levi have been bitter sweet. More sweet than bitter if I'm being honest. I'll share my  
thoughts and how my day has been, if my pills are giving me any problems, but then we will sort  
of hold eye contact and not say anything for too long and we end up at his desk or sharing his  
desk chair or muddled on that black couch twisted up into each other kissing madly. Things get a  
little more heated every session in a way, but when things seem to cross some invisible line Levi  
has made up in his mind, he breaks our kisses and sits away from me.  
I've managed to pick some information about him. Levi and Erwin went to the same top notch  
university together. Erwin is also the man who got Levi to join the Psych field. I secretly sort of  
loathe hearing about him, just because of how stupidly jealous I get, but if I get to learn more  
about Levi, that's fine with me. His favorite color is white, because its so clean and pure, which  
makes sense considering how I've also easily known from the beginning that he's a clean freak.  
He hasn't told me about him being homeless or his family, basically nothing from his childhood.  
Today I want to get more information though. As I walk through this familiar hallway I gather up  
my courage like I have so many times with this infuriating but loveable man and try not to melt  
like I always do when I see his face.  
I kind of talk about Bertholdt becoming more sociable and not flinching as much as he used to  
when I'd approach him for conversation. I don't really know what to talk about today, I didn't have  
any nightmares and I feel kind of okay, a little anxious, but more of the nerves have to do with  
being with Levi at the moment than anything else so I can't talk about that, too damn  
embarrassing.  
It doesn't take long for me to get up and stand in front of Levi, he sits in his chair looking up at me  
with a raised eyebrow. I'm getting impatient with our relationship and I want things to go farther  
than kisses, instead of nightmares I've been plagued with vivid wet dreams of Levi and I can't help  
but want more.  
I kneel down in between his legs and this startles Levi, just a bit, but his eyes go dark blue with a  
lusty curiosity and he leans forward and hooks his index finger under my electric collar and brings  
me closer and says,  
"I rather like seeing you like this, kneeling at me feet like the puppy brat you are..." I scowl at the  
word puppy but then a wonderful idea comes to mind and I smirk and try to be as seductive as I  
can,  
"Oh am I?" I can't help but blush because I'm confident but this whole trying to be sexy thing is so  
unnerving and different and I crawl further till my face is in front of the zipper of his pants. I look  
up at him daringly and seeing him dominantly gazing down at me sends blood rushing straight to  
my groin. I unbuckle his belt and unbutton his pants, I use my teeth to drag down his zipper and I  
hear Levi unsuccessfully hold back a grunt at the sight. I pull down his pants and oh god I'm so  
nervous I have no idea what I'm doing.  
I can see the shape of his erection and I gulp and start to lick his length over his underwear, I  
lookup at him flushed and he looks like he's debating whether or not to stop this or saying fuck it  
and it seems like he chooses the latter because his hand is in my hair and his head tilts back and a  
husky groan spills out of those sweet lips when I start to suck at the outline of the head of his  
cock. It tastes salty and his scent is so strong its intoxicating, I find myself moaning as I suck up  
and down the outline, inhaling that thick fresh cotton smell and hearing the enticing panting  
coming out of Levi.  
"Are you smelling me? Shit you really are like a - !" before he can get his breathy sentence out I  
peel off the now sweaty briefs of his crotch and Levi's arousal pops up too ready for more  
attention. I can't help but think it’s a damn pretty penis, its rosy and pink and average sized,  
standing proud and curved ready for me to take care of it. Adrenaline over takes me and I just take  
the erection in mouth as far as I can take it without gagging in my throat. The grip Levi has on my  
hair is now nearly violent, I love when he pulls my hair and I can only guess that means I'm doing  
well considering how the word "fuck" is raspily and loudly accentuated.  
I bob my head up and down and jesus I'm a pervert because my pants are too tight now and  
having him in my mouth and sliding against my tongue is making me moan more and I feel drool  
dribble down my chin. I start to unzip my own pants and palm at my own hardness and whimper,  
Levi's hips start to thrust forward into my throat and I try to keep the pace going but I get too  
ambitious and end up having to pull away because I start a minor coughing fit. Levi laughs a  
throaty chuckle and mutters,  
"Sorry kid. But fuck I didn't know you had a damn vacuum cleaner for a mouth for shit sake.  
Have you seriously never done this before? " His breathing is back to normal but his eyes are this  
dark sultry blue, hungry for more.  
"Sit." He pats his thighs and I hurriedly sit on his lap, not putting all my weight down because I'm  
self conscious of how heavy I am and I don't want to numb his lap but he notices this and repeats,  
"Sit." I completely sit down and the second I do Levi pulls me in so much closer and grinds his  
bare arousal against my clothed one and we both moan at the contact.  
"Stand." He instructs and I do as instructed biting my lip as he pulls both my briefs and pants  
down in one fell swoop. Leaving me very naked and exposed in front of him. He pats his thighs  
with both hands signaling me to sit back on his lap and I comply, beet red and unable to look him  
in the eye .  
" Shhh, relax..." He hums while rubbing his lips up my neck to whisper in my ear. I whine and let  
him suck and nip at my neck, my hips start to rut forward instinctually, creating a delicious friction  
between our lower halves. Levi's grasp on my lower back tightens immediately as his mouth  
releases my neck with an, "Ah!"  
The dirty sound that escapes him only makes my hips needily jerk more against him. He hisses at  
the continued friction and Levi grabs my collar and lowers my face in front of his,  
"Impatient little shit."  
The dreaded knocking interrupts us and we scramble to look presentable like we have been for the  
past weeks. I'm still pulling up my pants when Levi whispers in my ear, "Don't go to sleep  
tonight." What does that mean? I can't sleep? He smirks at my probably very confused expression  
and I'm lead out of the office by Auruo who looks at us suspiciously, as usual.  
The rest of the day could not go by slower. I get my check up and Hanji looks at my neck  
curiously and I say that the collar irritates my skin sometimes to cover up for the pink possessive  
marks Levi had left on my throat. She then goes on one of her tangents about how the collars are  
well made and maybe I have some rare allergic reaction and I sigh and pray for night time.  
I'm absent minded the whole day, tripping over things and bumping into people and furniture and  
Connie makes sure to tease me with,  
"Earth to Jaeger! Dude you are a total mess today, what's with you?" he sits at my table for dinner  
and Sasha follows suit. Salmon and salad for dinner. Ugh I want something fattening for once  
here, like a cheeseburger or icecream.  
Jean looks at me and smiles like he knows why I'm like this. I have a feeling the ass does know  
but I'm very thankful for him being silent for once, not announcing how stupidly love struck I am.  
I watch Sasha close her eyes and I try not to gawk at how she isn't shoveling her food in her  
mouth. Her facial expression is pensive, like she's closing her eyes to figure out a test answer, and  
I smile because I guess this means the advice Pixis gave her is working.  
The moments the lights go off in my bedroom/cell I get up from bed and start pacing. Could he  
have meant that he is going to visit me again? Would we pick up from where we left off? I listen  
for footsteps at the door, I jump around and try to shake out the nerves like a complete lunatic. It  
has probably been a couple of hours now and I'm going to die young of a heart attack. I slide  
down a wall and rest my head against it.  
"He's just a guy. Well, not just a guy. The Guy. The Man. Who is cute and cusses like no doctor  
should and he's so fucking sexy and oh my god I'm talking to myself! Chill the fuck out Eren!"  
My face lands in the palms of my hands and I nearly let out one of those exaggerated horror movie  
lady screams when I hear the door start to open. Levi has an entertained look on his face and looks  
around my bedroom.  
"I thought Jean was the only schizophrenic in this place." He deadpans. This man will be the end  
of me I swear.  
"Shut up! I thought I was going to go crazy with how long you took!" Though technically I guess  
I am a bit crazy but fuck it. Levi is still at the open door and my confusion is now at its all time  
high.  
"So...?" I step towards him while I fiddle with the hem of my t-shirt. Levi sighs and turns his back  
to me. I get scared and grab the back of his long sleeved black pajama shirt with a frightened  
whisper of,  
"You're leaving?!"  
He looks over his shoulder and assaults my lips with his own and its deep and I can feel the held  
back passion when he ends the kiss too soon.  
"Follow me, and for the love of piss don't fucking trip or make a damn sound. I don't care if you  
have to hold in fart so long it burns a whole through your ass, be quiet and stay close." He says in  
a hushed voice and I nod quickly. We make our way through hallways and I almost freaking trip  
on a trashcan but avoid it at the last second. We reach an elevator I've never seen before and step  
inside.  
"Where are we going?!" I can finally ask once we are safe and ascending in the elevator. Levi  
stands in front of the elevator's button panel and presses a white circled button with the number 3  
on it. He casually replies with,  
"My room."  
Chapter End Notes  
Okay I know I said Levi's past would be revealed in this chapter but I will next  
chapter I promise! Plus next chapter is going to be in Levi's POV. Trust me, it will be  
worth the wait. Sorry I took forever for the update, and the chapter is short, but ugh  
midterms are such a pain.  
Thank you  
Chapter Notes  
Levi's POV  
See the end of the chapter for more notes  
We walk into the room and the brat is needy and panting like the dog he is, following me closely,  
nearly stepping on my damned heels as I shut my bedroom door behind me. He takes in the  
scenery of my bedroom, my bedroom is clean and bland, with only shades of white, grey, and  
black so there's not much to look at. I turn around and nearly bump into him in the process,  
"I'm going to deactivate your collar so the nurses won't know where you are and how fast your  
heart is probably beating." I force myself to stay calm as I say this, as if I wasn't risking his life,  
my life, and the integrity of the program. The glazed lust in his eyes clears a bit and his face is  
now worried and he quickly adds,  
"Isn't that a bad idea? What if I shift?! I don't want to hurt you!" Typical, he would think of my  
well being before his own, and why is he so endearing this little shit. Why can't I seem to control  
myself when it comes to this messy brown haired, tan, brat who has freakishly green eyes? Every  
time this kid messes with his bangs as he tells me how he is doing in our sessions, or bites his lip  
when he's nervous, like he is right now, I can hardly hold my self back. Maybe its just how close  
he is, how close we are, how much my body is burning, that I say what I say next.  
"I don't care if you hurt me."  
His eyes widen then relax into a heavy darkened haze, he grabs me by the forearms and stands  
over me. Breathing like there won't be any oxygen left in the room soon,  
"Levi..." He lowers his head and nuzzles his nose into my hair, sniffing, murmuring his dumb  
sweet nothings, I have one of those mirrored sliding door closets and can see myself being  
towered over in the reflection. He's so close my nose presses against his collarbone, I feel like our  
positions have been switched from how they were before, now I'm being dominated .  
"What do you think you are doing Eren?" It’s a bit of a scolding and a bit of a taunt. I don't mind  
the situation though, not at all actually. He hums deeply when I say his name, disregarding all the  
other words, stepping even closer as my back is being pressed against the wall.  
He begins to suck at my neck, breathing in heavily through his nose, I watch myself being  
devoured by him, his tongue dragging up my pale neck as if it was the best damned vanilla ice  
cream he's tasted. Its familiar, but different, there is no fear that's lighting up my nerves this time,  
it is something much sweeter.  
If I'm being honest with myself, I love being manhandled, I've learned that with the random flings  
I've had with strangers. I've always been too busy, too distant, to have a relationship to shackle  
me down. Having control and being cautious is a necessity with my job, with my life, and to just  
let go and have someone take care of my body for me...Well... damn.  
His tongue graces my earlobe and I shiver, it’s a weak spot for me, and he catches on quickly the  
cute bastard. I realize the situation I'm in, doctor taking his patient to his bedroom, letting himself  
be touched and groped, letting the patient peel his shirt off and helping him take off his own in the  
process. I can't help but feel that much more turned on from the adrenaline of doing something  
forbidden coursing through me. Eren begins to nip and suck at my chest and I quiver at the  
sensations. I watch myself being felt up in the mirror, his hand has cautiously slid down over my  
sweatpants to grab at my cock as he sucks at one of my nipples and rubs circles with his thumb on  
my other reddened nub. Feeling and watching myself being used up in the reflection illicits heavy  
panting from me and I have no control of the pathetic whines that escape me now.  
He lets out an impatient growl once he hears my whines and picks me up and throws me on my  
bed, his eyes are blazing emeralds, that have the predatory intent of a cat about to capture a  
mouse as he crawls towards and then on top of me, his face may be pink but he looks determined  
and focused on getting my pants down as soon as possible. After he rids me of my sweatpants he  
begins to slow down and stares up at me in a terribly adorable sort of way ,  
"What should I do?" He's so honest and he's trembling because the little shit is a virgin and I'm  
going to have to lead him through this. I sit up and start to help him out of the rest of his clothes, I  
kiss him and bite his bottom lip and he mewls over the given sensation. He's kneeling on the bed  
now in front of me, only wearing his collar, covering his erection and looking away like the  
good boy he is and I lick my lips at the sight.  
"Y-your underwear too." He presses his teeth into his kiss swollen pink lip and looks at me all  
heavy lidded and breathy, I smirk and toss my briefs to the side. Though I do feel nervous, I make  
sure that I look somewhat composed so that I can guide him. I reach over to my night stand and  
pull out lotion and I realize I don't have any fucking condoms but screw it all I'm past the point of  
no return. I coat my fingers till they are slick and go on all fours, I spread my ass in front of him in  
a lewd display and ease a finger inside my now twitching hole .  
"You have to stretch me out first, like this..." I turn my head to look over my shoulder at him  
and Eren looks like he's about to cum and maybe have a heart attack right there on the spot. I try  
to hide a grin threatening my lips and I want to tease him more, so I ease another finger in and yes  
god this feels good, having him see me displaying myself whorishly. A moan slips out of me as I  
increase the tempo of rubbing inside my ass.  
"Levi!" Eren calls out desperately, I don't expect him to pull my fingers out to replace them with  
his own, he mimics my previous demonstration and stuffs two fingers inside of me, except he's  
naïve and rough about it and fast and he curls his finger incidentally into my prostrate and a sinful  
hearty sigh spills out of me. I rest an ear to the mattress and find myself staring at my reflection,  
my face is flushed and my mouth is wet and gaping. Eren's reflection shows his jaw hanging  
open, brows furrowed like he's in pain, and deeply focused on making me yell out in pleasure as  
he strikes that magic spot relentlessly all the while stroking his dark pink length with copious  
amount of lotion. I feel a hunger take over my body and I need him inside of me, fuck, I need it  
now.  
"Eren, put it in already!" My voice doesn't carry the authority I hoped it would, it sounds hoarse  
and high pitched, and I can hear Eren groan in response, more than ready to satisfy my request.  
His eyes catch my own in the mirror, my lewd expression triggers him into pressing himself into  
me. I feel the terribly wonderful feeling of being pried open, an absolutely filthy "Ohhh" rips out  
of my chest. Eren can't even wait for me to adjust and he begins pounding into me crazily, he  
chants my name and we watch each other sweating and heaving and gasping, mindlessly pressing  
into each other.  
He picks me up by the waist and makes sure we don't separate ourselves for even a moment,  
setting me in his lap as we both face the mirror. He pumps into me from underneath and I bounce  
into his thrusts,  
"You are -- so beautiful Levi. I want-- to see-- everything " Eren unevenly grunts out lovingly,  
his eyes teal and drunk with ecstasy gazing at my own shadowy blue through the mirror. He  
opens my legs up so that my lower half resembles an "M" and I am completely exposed, I watch  
in shameful excitement, at my red face, my hard and pre-cum leaking dick bobbing, and my hole  
being beaten thoroughly by his cock.  
"Id- iot ..!" I sob out as I struggle to keep my watery eyes open to watch the wanton sight of it all.  
Jesus this kid was so embarrassing, saying things like that, making me watch everything he does  
to me... He starts to find all of my sensitive places, ears, neck, nipples, and he revels in my  
helpless moans and whimpers the sadist, playing me like I'm some sort of slutty instrument. Lips at  
my ear and neck, hands twisting my nipples and I not so angrily yell his name for doing these  
things, and I think he would have laughed if we weren't both fucking so roughly.  
"Ah Levi! I can't! Its t-too much!" I'm surprised the kid has lasted this long, but I'm also reaching  
my limit. I want to come with him so I start to jerk myself off in time to his thumping hips, he's  
close and starts to strike into me so hurriedly the room is filled with nothing but the sounds of  
slapping skin and our raised and wavering voices. My mind is blank and all I can think of is him  
deep in me, vibrating my whole body so intensely, an overwhelming wave of nerves start to  
bundle up in my belly, like a huge wave about to crash. I say these words in a fit of euphoria  
ridden insanity,  
"Come inside me, come for me, hurry! Eren! " I come violently, my body convulsing and my seed  
spurting out of me in long threads of milky white up onto my stomach, and I feel my face being  
turned into Eren's.  
"Love you, I love you!" Eren manages to cry out right before he muffles the rest of his and my  
own orgasm into a slobbery open mouthed kiss. I feel his cock throb inside of me and I pull my  
face way from his to throw my head back and whimper into the crook of his neck. He rides out  
the end of his climax and lays exhausted slippery kisses up my neck and jawline tenderly. His  
arms are wrapped around me and we sit there, him leaning onto me, I leaning into him, dazed in a  
blissful darkness. I realize in this darkness that this is probably the happiest I have ever been. If  
not for the sedative of great sex, I would be terrified, because happiness seems to be given only to  
be taken from you. But I give up, I will probably regret this, but if it feels so right to say, maybe I  
won't regret the next four words that all too easily flow out of me.  
"I love you too." His arms tighten around me and I sigh in defeat.  
"Now get off of me." He tiredly giggles and I open my eyes as I finally lift myself off of him  
because now that I am coming back to my senses I notice I am covered in not only my sweat but  
his. I won't even think of the rest of the mess left behind. I feel Eren's semen leak out of me as I  
shakily get on my own two feet. I'm standing in front of him trying to regain my balance from  
lightheaded-ness and Eren stays seated with his legs draped over the side of the bed and slowly  
wipes the white dribble below my ass with his thumbs. He murmurs "sexy" under his breath. I'm  
not sure if he knows he knows he said it out loud and I would snicker if it wasn't so disgusting.  
"Gross." I half heartedly say and he snickers in my stead.  
My body is ready to drop so I just go over to my bathroom and grab a wet towel to wipe myself  
off, throwing Eren a moist towel as well. We crawl into bed together after we've cleaned up  
and Eren is struggling to stay awake and - he's crying?  
"Why are you crying?" I rest my head onto his shoulder and he has this sweet smile and the tears  
are making those eyes glow and he just shakes his head softly. I poke him maybe a little too hard  
in the ribs to get a response but he kind of yelps then laughs a little.  
"I can't believe all of this is happening. I'm scared to lose you now that I have you but I'm also so  
happy that I don't give a damn." I rest my hand on his smooth caramel chest, and lightly tap my  
finger tips against his skin. I'm almost irritated at his sincerity, it only proves to make my heart  
ache in that bittersweet way.  
"You have me hm ?" My index finger trails up to his collar and I give it a little tug, "I have you  
too." That warm bubbling giggle bursts out of him again, then his eyes get a little serious and  
gather that intense focus that only he seems to have.  
"Levi... You've lost people too haven't you?" The question catches me off guard and my  
automatic response is to turn away on my side, he then rushes to hold me in a reassuring spooning  
position and he continues,  
"How many times do I have to tell you I love you to get you to open up to me?" His voice is  
trembling and I know he loves me but its scary unearthing such a hidden part of myself to the  
world again. I settle on my back and lift my arm so he can rest on my shoulder now. He looks up  
at me, filled with hope, and I playfully glare at him and mutter, "Manipulative brat." He sort of  
grins but keeps that determined look. I give in to him like I seem to always be doing as of late.  
"Its nothing new. The same old sob story of never knowing my parents and being an orphan. I  
wasn't alone though, I had two friends, Isabel and Farlan, we all took care of each other like  
brothers and sisters would. Our caretakers were cold and strict so we only had each other. I was  
the oldest so they both looked up to me, you remind me of Isabel actually... she had that energetic  
and honest personality of yours but - she was like Jean, she was a schizophrenic, she was so  
young too..." I pause and remind myself to breathe. I avoid staring back at Eren to strengthen my  
resolve. "The area we lived in and the orphanage we lived at was poor and shitty, they didn't  
know what to do with her once her mental health started to disintegrate. So they sent her away to  
god knows where. I thought that things couldn't possibly get worse but then Farlan was adopted, I  
mean it was good that he was adopted but-"  
"You were alone." Eren finishes for me. I take a deep breath and look into his sad sympathetic  
stare. I nod then continue,  
"I was 17, I learned how to get by on my own. I could hardly believe it when Erwin's family  
adopted me, I was beginning to think that I would always be by myself. Even if I was just a  
charity case for these rich people, they were kind and their house had a heater and a comfortable  
bed waiting for me. They gave me an education and Erwin persuaded me to get into all of this. I  
still can't believe how I ended up here, it is difficult dealing with cases, but I feel like I have  
purpose. Knowing I can give help to people, the help that Isabel probably never received... I don't  
regret anything." Eren doesn't say or do anything for a while. After a good moment of silence  
he leans up and presses a chaste and gentle kiss on my lips then returns back to my shoulder. His  
eyes are struggling to stay open as they fight to keep gazing at me in that endearing adoration and  
I reach over to tug at my lamp sitting on the nightstand beside me to envelope the room in black.  
My arm is bent so that I can both hold his body and begin to pet his chestnut hair.  
"Thank you..." I hear him whisper. Prolonged even breaths follow and I know he's fallen asleep.  
If only he knew how much he's changed my life. I hope for the better, because it sure as hell feels  
that way. I feel that I should be the one saying thank you though and I do. Pressing my face into  
his tangly brown locks and soaking in that cinnamon scent of his, I say thank you in a soundless  
mouthing of the lips and slip into dreams.  
Chapter End Notes  
Thank you guys for all the lovely messages and for reading this far, I really appreciate  
it!  
Get your head out of the clouds  
Chapter Notes  
Sorry for the late update! Its the end of the semester so things have been hectic as of  
late. This chapter we will have Eren and Levi's POV ~  
Eren  
I wake up being shaken gently by my arms, swaying back into consciousness. I start murmuring  
sleepy protests, voice thick with lethargy. I don't want to be woken up, I am perfectly at peace.  
Warm and surrounded by the smell of the one I love most. Its as if all of the warm blankets my  
mom used to wrap me up in, fresh out of the laundry, are around me again.  
"C'mon you lil shit." I grin and I can hear the care in his annoyed but tender whisper, I still don't  
open my eyes and snuggle closer to his upright body. I hear him sigh and he starts to flick the tip  
of my nose softly, then my cheeks, but then he stops.  
"Seriously. Eren you need to get up. I have to take you back to your room." His voice is no longer  
laced with patience and adoration, its stern and urgent. I blink away the weight of too little  
slumber and groggily sit up and rub my eyes with my fists. While I yawn my vision finally  
focuses on Levi. He is naked and perfect, I stare at every line making up the curves and bends of  
his body and I think of how lucky I am at this moment. I lean over and kiss his shoulder, Levi  
pinches my cheek and smirks.  
"Get dressed."  
We tread the hallways and stop every so often when we hear the beginnings of footsteps,  
occasionally having to wait on an orderly to finish their round in the particular area. I remember  
the furniture that I almost hit from the night before that nearly gave us away, so I make sure that  
they aren't even a problem this time. Last thing I need is knocking something over and ruining the  
beautiful dream that 's happening to me.  
When we reach my room and Levi activates my collar again, we stand and stare at each other a  
little while. I look at him and I see my future, I see who I want to be with, who I'm willing to do  
anything for, and I feel like words have so little meaning when I see the way his eyes melt from  
the guarded grey to the blue he keeps only for me. He caresses my cheek and I can only think of I  
love you.  
"Me too." I look at him in surprise, how can he just do that? Know the thoughts in my head before  
they leave my lips? Before I can lean into that perfect soft hand he pulls away and shuts the door. I  
can't really appreciate all that has happened when its this hard to keep my eyes open. It must be  
some ungodly hour, so I crawl into bed halfway between dreams and reality. I hold onto my  
pillow tightly and close my eyes and whisper ,  
"Mom. I wish I could tell you how in love I am. There are so many questions I want to ask you,  
like how can I keep this person who has changed me so fundamentally, so wonderfully, in my life.  
You would probably scold me huh? 'He's too old for you.'" My pillow is wet now, I sniffle and  
continue to talk to my mom, to my ceiling, to no one, "But he's so good for me mom. He's too  
good " I start blubbering broken sobs but go on, "Please if you... If you are somehow there  
watching over me, please please mom, watch over us." I weep till I'm too tired to anymore. My  
mind now starts to drift further into the blankness of dreaming and maybe its childish to think so,  
but I feel her love and support all around me, tucking me in, and I fall asleep smiling.  
Petra has her back turned as I roll my clothes over my body. Its nice waking up to her chipper  
caramel voice again, I tell her she can turn around and she raises an eyebrow at my constant  
grinning. She walks up to me and points at the visible seams on my shirt,  
"C'mon Eren, you put your shirt on inside out honey. What's on your mind hmm?" She pokes at  
my sides and I giggle and shoo her prodding fingers away with my hands. I open my mouth to say  
something but I can't think of what to say and the memories of Levi's molten blue eyes and wet  
gasping lips surfaces again in my head and I cover my face and fall onto my bed. His velvet voice  
echoing the reply I love you too over and over in my ears.  
"Oh my..." There's no way I can hide how happy I am to Petra, I'm too easy to read and she  
knows just how to read me by now. I shuffle up and sit down on the edge of my bed and look up  
at her with pleading eyes and an unstoppable smile wiggling on my lips.  
"I'm in love." I probably shouldn't be telling her this but I just want to tell everyone and yell it off  
the rooftops. Plus I feel comfortable with Petra, she makes me feel safe and she spoils me a lot. It  
feels nice to have that sort of family like doting, it sort of helps fill the void of Mikasa and... my  
mom. Petra's eyes go wide at my response but then soften,  
"Now Eren, falling in love with another patient is serious business. You are all here to recover and  
better yourselves and what you need to do is focus on yourself. If you don't help yourself you  
can't adequately help the one you love." She sighs and ruffles my hair with a hand and sits down  
besides me I'm about to argue with her but then she continues,  
"But I know that its pointless to tell you to stop feeling what you are feeling. Feelings don't know  
how to listen, not to others and definitely not to yourself. If you are adamant on being with this  
person then you should know that not only you but the other person have to be willing to face and  
deal with the adversities you both possess." Petra's brows are pressed together and she is holding  
onto my hand. She's supporting me but warning me. I feel grateful for both and give her an  
undaunted stare and she returns It with a concerned smile. I ask her a question I'm terrified to ask,  
but need the answer for.  
"Do you think I've progressed? That I'll be able to leave this place soon?" I search her eyes and  
find them unwavering when she simply says,  
"Yes." I feel my whole body surge with confidence and I can't help but hug her till she's laughing  
and sort of coughing saying,  
"Alright alright you are going to be late to breakfast!" She turns away quickly and starts to lead  
me out of my room, I think she might be tearing up. I think I might be too. There's a chance for  
me. There's a chance for Levi and I. There's hope.  
Breakfast is fun and entertaining. Just about everyone is at my table goofing around and it all  
started with Connie and Sasha trying to hold a spoon on their noses. Krista and Ymir join us and  
can't get theirs to stay on either and when Ymir starts to get frustrated Krista just pats her softly on  
the shoulder and mouths the words "Its okay" and Ymir starts to take deep breaths and eventually  
begins to laugh with the rest of us again. Jean and I of course try making it a competition and Jean  
gets two freaking spoons to balance on his dumb horse face, one on his nose and one on his chin.  
I can only get one to stay on my nose and just about scream when it falls off after almost a minute.  
Its nice though, having everyone gathered here smiling and forgetting our troubles. We are just  
normal kids screwing around and maybe we are just normal kids now. Maybe.  
I notice that Annie is off in a corner reading a book and Bertholdt is nowhere to be found. I look  
around the cafeteria and the lounge area, but can't find him.  
"Hey guys where's Bert?" Everyone starts to turn their heads and its only Connie that doesn't  
follow suite.  
"Okay so I'm a really light sleeper right? My room is right next to his and I woke up in the middle  
of the night because I heard a door chime, I wake up to friggin everything, anyways, and I realize  
that there are people in Bert's room next door. It sounded like he was crying." Connie's face  
darkens a little at the last part of his story but not drastically, there's still a little sympathetic grin on  
his face.  
"What do you think is wrong with him?" Ymir blurts out and Connie just scratches his head and  
thinks. Jean seems to realize he still has spoons latched on his face and sets them down and  
shrugs,  
"He seems to have been through a lot. Like physical abuse wise. You could breathe on the guy  
and he starts shaking he's so scared." Jean crosses his arms and looks to the side at an empty space  
besides him and nods his head. Its probably Marco by the way he seems to be paying attention to  
what someone's saying when there isn't anyone there.  
"Let's all try to be extra nice to him when he gets back. Let him know that he doesn't have to be so  
afraid of everyone?" Krista gently suggests and we all smile and agree with her. Bertholdt seems  
to be sort of lagging behind all of us, maybe we can help him recover. Nobody should be left  
behind, especially if they seem like they are trying so hard to catch up. He's been speaking more in  
Group but not that much more and he still flinches when people begin to approach him in anyway.  
Not as extremely, but it'd be nice to see him relax and joke around with the rest of us at ease.  
Everyone is sort of chatting and on the topic at how old Pixis is. I kind of laugh but then lean my  
chin on a fist and allow myself to space out. How will it be like in therapy now that Levi and I  
have said I love you and... other things... I squeeze my eyes shut and hope no one has payed any  
attention to my burning face. I glance at the others and they seem to be gossiping about how they  
think Hanji and her assistant Moblit are probably in a relationship. I return back to thoughts of  
Levi and bite down a big smile, should I greet him with a kiss? Will we say I love you when we  
say goodbye? I wonder if I ever leave this place we could live together... Oh my god what the hell  
am I thinking?! That's way too far ahead! Jesus Eren settle down there. But still... Maybe we  
could talk about having a future together.  
A rolled up napkin hits my forehead and I'm momentarily stunned but hear Jean snorting in the  
background. I glare at him and he smirks,  
"Get your head out of the clouds loverboy." He cackles and thank god no one hears his comment,  
I throw the ball of napkin back at him and yell at the jerk,  
"Shut up dick wad!"  
Levi  
I hold my cup of tea and let the hot aroma float up and fill my senses. I close my eyes and try to  
enjoy the strange sense of completeness after so many years of feeling broken. But of course being  
the insufferable shit I am I go over what could go wrong again and again. It’s a fight against what  
could go wrong with what I did right: I made sure that I had all of the orderly's schedules down  
so Eren and I could avoid them, I gave the camera security tea that was mixed with shit that'd  
have their asses passed out and drooling till morning, made sure Eren's collar was deactivated so if  
anything no one could see the kid was in my room, and I made damn sure that the brat was in his  
bed before anyone knew he had been gone. I was too anxious to go back to sleep, anxious in both  
a good and bad way, so now I just rub at my temples and try to regain the sanity I've clearly lost.  
I can't stop thinking of how perfectly our lips felt together, how our bodies fit together, and the  
way he makes me feel. The way he looked like an angel with bedhead that had fallen out of the  
damn sky and landed on my matress this morning. Just to hear him breathing was suddenly the  
most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. Shit. I have it so bad. Next thing I know I'm going to think his  
crap looks like modern art or something.  
"Are you going to drink your tea Levi or are you just going to smell it all day?" Ugh. Hanji is a  
morning person. I am not a morning person. Her bright chipper voice slices at my ears and I  
sigh replying,  
"Shitty glasses I'm going to throw my tea at you if you don't quiet down." She laughs and takes a  
seat next to me and starts to sip at her coffee. I'm thankful for the lack of conversation. I think  
of Eren gazing at me this morning, those eyes so turquoise, so full of love. The way his shy  
trembling lips were searching for what to say next to me, the way his caramel skin felt so soft  
underneath my hand -  
"Levi are you... are you smiling?! This is a special moment in history! I have to write this down,  
maybe the effects of tea stimulate a certain part in the brain that-" Now it was my turn to interrupt.  
"I wasn't smiling. My lips were itchy." Okay maybe that was a pretty fucking lame response but  
she had caught me off guard.  
"We've been friends for how long now? Since we were neighbors when you were at good ol'  
Erwin's parents house. I know when something is up with you and something is definitely up."  
She's right. Its no use hiding things from her. She might be irritating and loud but she's smart and  
she cares. I reluctantly give in,  
"I'm seeing someone. Don't ask who." Hanji eyes look like they might just explode and she starts  
to blush and nearly drool over the piece of information. She bounces up and down in her chair and  
nearly knocks her coffee off the table,  
"ARE YOU IN LOVE? Levi you have to give me more than that, you can't just leave me  
hanging like this!" I look around us quickly and lean in to hiss at her,  
"Jesus Christ on pancakes Hanji do you need a speakerphone so that the whole facility can hear  
you? He's too young and it will probably never work out but... Yes... I am. " She squeals and  
scoots her chair closer to me and I roll my eyes and take a sip of my tea. As much as I hate to  
admit it, it feels good to finally talk about this. Especially to have someone excited for me, this is  
all new and frightening, having someone seeing it as a good thing is sort of reassuring.  
"Okay at least answer this, does he love you too?" Her face is too close and her lips are  
wondering whether they should be smiling or not and her eyes are intently checking my  
expression. Just to keep the suspense going and fuck with her I take a long sip of tea. When I  
think she's about to burst from anticipation I finally just nod my head slowly and avoid looking at  
her by staring into my soon to be empty cup.  
"Hooray!" She stands up and raises her arms in the air in celebration and I hide a little smile by  
finishing the rest of my tea. Hanji stops mid happy dance and bonks her head with a fist and turns  
towards me,  
"I almost forgot! Erwin asked me to tell you to go to his office. As for me I'm going to grab some  
toast and then give Bertholdt a check up. That poor lil' sweaty mess is still having nightmares."  
She bounces up and practically skips back to the cafeteria. Erwin probably wants my weekly  
evaluation on Jean, shit I forgot to finish it yesterday. I make my way over to the caretaker  
hallway and see Nile on my way there. He says good morning and I nod in response, trying not to  
stare at that hideous excuse of a beard he has on his chin. I open the door to Erwin's and he is  
signing some documents, the door shuts behind me and I lean back on it.  
"Hanji said you wanted to talk." I cross my arms and tap my fingers on an arm waiting for his  
reply. Erwin finishes signing something and slowly reclines back into his big plush grey desk  
chair but doesn't say anything. He folds his hands into his lap and stares at me. Erwin always folds  
his hands when he's got something big to say. His eyes are dire and he holds his piercing blue  
stare and rigidly says my name.  
"Levi."  
My stomach is burning, I want to throw up, I want to shit myself, I want to run until my lungs  
feel like they are being burned by battery acid but I stay still and wait for his reply with my  
apathetic armor on.  
"Where were you last night?"  
Almost  
Chapter Notes  
Sorry for the big delay, I just had so many conflicting ideas for this chapter I got a  
terrible case of writer's block. So then I went with something completely different and  
um. Thank you for the love and support, I really appreciate it. This chapter will be in  
Levi's and Eren's POV (very briefly for Eren.) After this chapter the POV will be  
going back to mostly Eren.  
WARNING: Dubious Consent  
See the end of the chapter for more notes  
Levi  
I answer his question with a question.  
"Why do you ask?" I'm not going to let him dick around with my nerves, I keep my voice bored  
and curious sounding. I hold my breath as I wait for his answer. His eyes burn into me, he's trying  
to read me, even after all of these years of knowing each other its still hard for him to do so.  
He never breaks eye contact when he continues,  
" You weren't answering your phone last night. Bertholdt had a night terror. He's had nightmares  
before but never a night terror. I think the new pills he's started on are negatively effecting him, he  
was asking for you but I couldn't get a hold of you. You always tell me if you are planning to take  
a night off. " I try not to make it obvious when I release the long held breath. Erwin doesn't know  
about Eren and I. He knows something is off, but I can at least manage to give a quick lie to try  
and kill the suspicion. My mouth is dry and I try not letting my frayed nerves rasp my voice,  
"The night before I didn't get any sleep. I just wanted some uninterrupted rest without my shitty  
phone going off and waking me." I make sure to hold his stare because if I waver even the tiniest  
bit, Erwin will know, he's one of the very few people who can somewhat get past my defenses.  
He leans forward and rests his elbows on the desk but keeps his hands clasped. The fact that his  
hands are still clasped tells me that he isn't finished with me yet.  
"That can't happen again. You talk to me first. You have responsibilities." Erwin thankfully  
unclasps his hands and reaches for more documents on his desk and begins working again. I know  
the man enough to know that this is a signal that our conversation is over. I start to turn around  
and open the room for my much needed exit but Erwin stops me with a deep voice thick with  
warning with a touch of genuine concern,  
"Is there something you need to tell me Levi? You're acting unusual ." I pause at the door and my  
hand is sweaty against the door handle. God damnit, its annoying having a protective step brother.  
Even more annoying when their job is all about getting in someone's head and reading his or her  
every move.  
"No." I don't even turn around to answer him, I say no and then get the fuck out of there.  
Eren  
Its hard to keep my excitement to myself as Petra walks me to Levi's office. This is my favorite  
time of day. When I can share everything with the one I love. Share our memories , share time,  
share breaths. My heart shivers in anticipation as Petra lets us inside. I see that raven dark soft hair  
draping softly over those snowy features, but I know immediately something is wrong when I find  
his silver scared eyes darting up at me. The door shuts behind us and I just stay standing at the  
door and we share a terrible silence, the kind that keeps you from knowing a truth you don't want  
to know. Why the hell is he being so silent,  
"Levi?" I start taking trepid steps towards him and his lips part like they have something to say but  
they just stay un-moving, wordlessly, and my chest clenches in anxiety. No, he can't freeze up on  
me now, not when we had finally reached each other in mind and body. Screw it, I need to reach  
him again now, I rush over besides his desk and encase Levi in my arms, he's stiff and  
unresponsive and my heart starts beating crazily, as if trying to revive his own with my own heart  
beat. He stays quiet.  
"What's wrong? Did somebody hurt you?" I growl out the last sentence, if somebody hurt Levi I  
would find a way to makes things right,I would do whatever it takes to make him feel better. I feel  
him start to melt in my arms and a sweet shaky sigh spills out of his lips and I know he's here with  
me again. I'm still on high alert though because how dare anyone mess with him. I want to know  
what's hurting him, I want to take away his pain just as he always seems to take away mine. He's  
mine now. Mine.  
Darkness.  
Levi  
Eren is getting better at reading me, better at knowing just what to do to make me feel better. I sigh  
and let Eren's arms shut down the anxiety and paranoia that has been seizing me. His arms are  
tight around me and I smirk at how passionate this kid is, but I like that he isn't willing to let me  
go. People usually try to stay away from people like me, who don't know how to show their  
emotions like neon signs in Las Vegas, people usually don't notice me reaching out  
through murky words and subtle actions.  
Eren's hold on me gets even tighter now, to the point where its getting hard to breathe. I roll my  
eyes and mutter,  
"Alright alright, I can hardly breathe you sap." Eren's hold encircling my arms and body does not  
loosen though, his breath against my ear grows rough and heavy. I hear a frighteningly familiar  
growl and low fierce voice ,  
"No. Protecting you from the Titans. Mine.You're mine." Fuck. I try to maintain my composure,  
maybe if I keep my body language and speech in a relaxed manner he will calm down and shift  
back to normal. I keep forgetting why Eren is really here, because he has a terrifying disorder and  
needs help. What's really strange though is how this shift of his occurred, it didn't happen because  
he was feeling threatened but because... he was trying to protect?  
My thoughts are interrupted when Eren picks me up swiftly and my back thumps against the top  
of my desk. His eyes go into that disturbing heavy lidded calm, cloudy dark green with dilated  
pupils. Its like dejavu, my wrists pinned, my legs spread apart by his knees, that inhuman strength  
of his rendering me defenseless. It’s a horrifying feeling, losing the person I love and having him  
replaced by this freakish state. I am in no way a weak man, but I find myself barely able to move  
any of my limbs. He licks a line from the base of my throat, over my adam's apple, and right under  
my chin. He looks down over me with a sense of possessiveness so intense, licking his lips like  
he just tasted something delicious, I find myself shuddering under the stare. A mix of sheer  
fucking terror and uncontrollable arousal streams through me. I need to control myself god damnit,  
this isn't Eren.  
"Eren, wake up. I know you're there, wake up." I try luring the real Eren out with my eyebrows  
furrowed, searching his eyes vehemently, trying to remain unflustered under the pressure of that  
gaze. My attempt to recover Eren is completely ignored. His head dips besides my neck and his  
teeth and lips graze and suck strongly at my neck, I hiss and its close to being painful. He leaves a  
trail of budding hickeys down my neck, as if marking me, I bite my lower lip and try to stifle any  
sounds threatening to spill out. He rapidly lets go of me now to practically tear my pants and briefs  
off in one messy swoop and I do something I almost never do. I freeze. He spreads my legs open  
easily, like a fucking book, besides my best efforts to snap my legs shut. His face lowers in front  
of my groin and he lifts my ass up by my thighs and begins to madly lap at my entrance. I cry out  
in surprise and immense pleasure, forgetting everything as he begins to tongue- fuck my hole.  
Obscene slurping sounds fill the room, along with my mindless squealing of his name, I am  
absolutely incoherent.  
No, no I need to remember that I have a duty as his caretaker to uphold, I have take control of the  
situation. I try to focus on bringing my wrist in front of my face and pressing the correct buttons to  
get Eren immobilized but almost immediately my wrist is grabbed tight enough to bruise  
and Eren lets out a deep guttural snarl that damn near stops my heart from beating. He must  
remember what I did last time. Of course, each identity of a person with D.I.D has their own  
separate memories for each identity. Shit.  
His erection starts to press against my entrance and he doesn't take his time to stuff his cock deep  
and fast inside of me. I scream out and straight away Eren starts jack hammering my ass so  
roughly I can't even open my eyes, I can't think of anything besides him inside of me, stretching  
me thoroughly. He lets out husky grunts each time he slams into me, I can hardly hear  
them though over the sound of my pleasured sobbing noises.  
He now picks me up by the hips and rams my back into the wall, I instinctively wrap my legs  
around his waist, my arms keeping steady around his neck. All I'm wearing I realize is a white  
collared shirt that is barely even buttoned now, the thought is brief because Eren continues his  
onslaught of fucking me without a moments hesitation. At this angle Eren strikes my prostrate  
dead on and I'm right back to wailing his name shamelessly high pitched. I briefly open my eyes  
and find him drinking in every reaction I make hungrily, that sickly smile extended over his face.  
He now picks me up fully and pulls out of me, I whimper mindlessly at the absence, but find  
myself leaned over my desk, ass in the air. I see his white T-shirt fall to the side in the corner of  
my vision and he's quick to enter me again, now fucking me doggy style. His stamina and  
constant need for dominance reminds me of a dog in heat. His pace hasn't faltered at all, actually,  
now he's driving into me at a mind numbingly rapid pace. I rest a cheek on the wooden surface,  
my nails dragging down into the wood, desperately trying to find something to grip onto. He leans  
over and I feel his body envelope me in an exquisite heat, his mouth besides my neck, nipping at  
my ear. He reaches over to hold my wrists down and oh fuck he's everywhere, I am in his  
complete possession. Its too much, my body begins pooling a burning need for release at the pit of  
my belly, I come untouched and so fully everything goes white, my body quaking turbulently. I  
am thankful the walls are soundproof because of the shrill yell I let go at that moment.  
I don't know when Eren had stopped and found his own climax, I only feel his  
weight now pressing heavy over me as he pants thickly. I can only soak in this extreme high and  
only have the strength to breathe. I feel his body suddenly tense up and I hear an extremely  
alarmed, tired as hell, but frightened voice come out of him,  
"Levi? D-did we just?" Of course he comes back to me after he's fucked me like a god  
damned blowup doll while on crack. I let out an exhausted and raspy,  
"Is your dick in my ass not enough of an answer?" I notice that Eren is sweating a river onto me, I  
already have my own puddle of sweat I’m laying on so I start to feel unbelievably gross. Eren  
shakily gets off of me and sits on the couch. Now that my conscience is coming back to me an  
overwhelming amount of guilt starts to hit. I grab some tissues and wipe myself down, and find  
my pants and pull them up. I know what I have to say, I throw Eren his shirt, but when I look at  
his confused pained turquoise eyes, I almost lose my resolve. Almost.  
"I've been selfish. I'm not good for you Eren, I'm delaying your recovery because of my feelings  
for you. I can't be your caretaker anymore, I'm going to stand by this now. None of this is your  
fault. Its been my failure to make the right decisions that has let all of this happen." I can't look  
him in the eye anymore, I need to stop feeling, I have let my emotions run as rampant as diarrhea  
with this kid. As his caretaker, as his lover, I need to put his needs before mine. I watch him pull  
his shirt on and his face go from fearful to a combination of anger and remorse,  
"You think I'm never going to have any slip ups in the real world? I don't think I'll ever be  
completely normal Levi. I'm so sorry though I - I didn't mean to force you into... I understand if  
you want to stop being with someone as fucked up as me, with what I just did to you, what I've  
done to others... but don't lie to my face and say its not my fault!" This stupid insufferable brat. I  
don't think I hide the pain in my face when I correct him,  
"It isn't your fault. Sometimes people are meant to meet each other but aren't meant to stay  
together." I barely get the rest of the sentence out, my throat clamps up and I quickly press the  
button on my desk to let an orderly in before I let myself give up his possible happiness for my  
own.  
Chapter End Notes  
...Sorry  
Always  
Chapter Notes  
Sorry for the longish update, and thank you all for being so sweet and leaving  
kudos/comments/love, it makes me so happy.  
The first week without him was sheer hell.  
I've never been good with giving up. I was shocked at first, letting Erd lead me into the hallway  
and towards the cafeteria. I don't know if Erd said anything to me, I just kept staring ahead, jaw  
slack and unable to fathom what had happened. That didn't last long though.  
Soon I was running back to Levi's door, slamming my fists into it, watching the skin of my  
knuckles tear open bloody, screaming at him to let me in, that I was sorry. I don't think anything I  
said was relatively coherent, fuck, I just needed him to know that... I needed him to know that life  
without him would never be a good thing. He was my cure.  
Erd grabbed me by the hips and I tried to not let myself shift, I tried so hard not to. But thinking of  
Levi, all by himself, in the mess I had made, thinking it was all of his fault, I just desperately  
needed to be by his side. It just seems like trying your best can't stop the worst from happening  
sometimes. Darkness took over me in a sharp slapping wave of panic.  
I woke up thinking that maybe it was a bad dream, I even sighed a breath of relief, until I felt the  
cold painful reality of handcuffs chaining me to my bed. Had I hurt anyone? Will I ever live a life  
where I can protect instead of damage? Like I said, the first week was hell. I was constantly stuck  
in that darkness . Whenever I'd feel helpless, I'd fight to get him back, I didn't want anyone else,  
couldn't have anyone else, I needed everyone to know that. Most of all, I needed Levi to know  
that.  
I had gotten much worse. Anything could make me snap, when Ymir said something snippy  
towards me, something like "Get over it, things get better." or something like that, I couldn't stop  
myself from yelling at her, telling her that "Why the hell should I listen to you?" Ymir's face  
turned purple with boiling rage and now that I think about it, that must have been one hell of a  
fight. I woke up with my jaw bandaged. Hanji told me that Ymir had knocked my jaw out of  
place. I guess I deserved it, I think Ymir was actually trying to say something nice for a change.  
But when you live in constant pain, in terrible memories, with guilt weighing on your shoulders  
like boulders, everything, even the good, seems like a lie. I'm thankful that  
the orderlys reached Ymir and I before I could hurt her.  
I had to be locked up in my room for a while, I think everyone was trying to figure out what the  
hell to do with me. Hanji conducted a lot of tests, scanning my brain, trying to make me shift so  
that she could take notes on my body and brain's reactions. Anyways, what sucked the most was  
that the incident with Ymir was a day before visitor's day, I wasn't even able to be comforted  
by Mikasa or Armin because ' I was a clear and present danger to myself and others' as Petra told  
me. She looked so damn sad. She was still trying to smile even though she looked like she wanted  
to cry, all for my sake. I bet all of the hopes she had for me, my rapid close reach to recovery, had  
all been taken away.  
Who could I talk to though? I couldn't tell anyone that I was in love with Levi, if I did it would put  
him and his well being in major jeopardy and I can't stand the thought of him losing more than  
he's already lost. At this point I can't even really talk to Jean about it, he tried to talk to me though.  
I'm pretty sure everyone was concerned over my complete break down. I sit by myself now, I had  
almost snapped with Jean, when he had started to ask too many questions, he had chatted with the  
other patients and realized my love wasn't for any of them. I told him to fuck off and I asked if I  
could go to my room. Gunter didn't argue with that, I think he was relieved I wasn't going to shift  
again, apparently I'm a freakish force of nature when I shift. I didn't want to hurt anymore people  
than I already had, especially not Jean. Not again, he's my closest friend in this place.  
Now I'm sitting in this room, that smells stale and little like eggs, staring at the worst beard I've  
ever seen. When I had met my new therapist, Mr. Dawk, my first impression was: Sucks ass and  
smells like ass too. I miss Levi's smell of fresh soap and his need for cleanliness. Staring  
at Dawk's messy desk filled with unfiled papers, pencils and pens scattered unevenly across the  
surface, makes my stomach recoil. And.. I still can't tell if that's a mullet. Jesus. I stare at his pencil  
thin mustache while he speaks,  
"Levi has given me your papers so I've reviewed your history and have a basic knowledge of your  
past and present issues with your disorder and yourself. His most recent findings are interesting." I  
wince when he says Levi's name. What had Levi said? What were his excuses for... I don't want  
to say giving up on me. Even though in the back of my mind it sort of feels that way.  
Mr.Lamebeard continues,  
"It seems that you shift when you are feeling threatened and when you feel the need to protect.  
Overall when you get very emotional. When you were younger, you saved your step sister from  
those thugs correct? " Mr.Dawk starts to stroke his thin sorry excuse for a beard and leans back in  
his big brown leather chair. Wait, I shift when I want to protect something?  
"Why are you asking me that when you already know?" I snap at him. God did this douche like to  
take his time. I miss Levi's bluntness and overall tendency to get to the point. I miss Levi.  
Mr. Dawk frowns at my angry whip of words but keeps speaking in a relatively apathetic tone  
while ignoring my question,  
"You didn't hurt Mikasa. You protected her. Which means your other identity has some control  
and also has a sort of extreme moral compass. Its good that you are aware of this so that you can  
better understand yourself and know how to keep your shifts at a minimum." I look down at the  
palms of my hands and stare at the thin lines etched on my palms.  
Is he trying to say that there's something good about the monster within myself? Am I capable of  
more than just destruction? Okay maybe this guy isn't that bad. It's still hard not to glare at him  
though. Especially when he keeps stroking his dumb measly beard like it’s a fat cat or something.  
I try not to fiddle with the folded note tucked in the waist band of my white sweatpants. Its been  
three weeks, I've been writing Levi little letters everyday. After my one on one with Mr. Mullet I  
find ways to slip a note in the crack of the door. It never goes all the way through, because the  
doors are thick as fuck and sound proof and all, so they are relatively concealed to anyone but  
Levi. Who would open the door and immediately notice a piece of paper falling down and littering  
his office floor.  
I haven't seen him in three weeks either. Not a glimpse. I would have thought I would hear his  
voice or see the back of his head, anything, but he's been avoiding me like its his life's mission to  
do so. The letters I write vary in conversation topics. Sometimes I'm begging him to come back, or  
I'm simply asking him questions about how he's been doing, and sometimes I just add random  
tidbits about my day. But at the end of every letter I leave,  
I'll wait for you.  
There's no need to put my signature or anything, he would know it was me. I wonder a lot, like  
right now, as I start a new day again, sitting alone digging at scrambled eggs with my fork, if he  
even reads them. Maybe I'm just annoying him, he's trying to get over me, maybe I gave him just  
the right excuse to leave. He was in too deep, I was just a fling for him, he was scared for his job -  
he was scared of me. I stab at my damned scrambled eggs angrily, stupid fucking eggs, why are  
you so yellow. I try to calm down, breathing through my nose and exhaling out of my mouth in a  
long shaky exhale. It would be easier if any of that were true.  
We line up into Group and Mr. Pixis starts to talk about Letting Things Go. Why is it that when  
We line up into Group and Mr. Pixis starts to talk about Letting Things Go. Why is it that when  
things are getting shitty in my life, everything around me seems to underline just how shitty things  
are. Anyways, Pixis is explaining with open expressive hands, how we have to learn to forgive or  
simply come to terms with the trauma and tragedies we have faced in our lives.  
"So very often tragedy and trauma are scars people have left in our memories. For many people  
though, they never let the wounds heal. They play those moments over and over, pick at the scab  
of the past so much that they never let themselves heal. Its okay to have scars. It means you have  
been through pain and you have gone past it." Pixis smiles softly, his crows feet wrinkles creasing  
into a sweet wise eyed expression.  
He makes us all write letters, to the people who have hurt us and to the people we've hurt. It seems  
like we are all writing a letter to our parents at the moment. Our lives are all so different, hurting  
and being hurt, but we are all suffering. A few tears plop onto my lined piece of paper, leaving  
soggy patches of paper that is harder to write over. I ask for their forgiveness. How I don't deserve  
it, but how I love them so much and miss them every day. Soon I end up madly scrawling down 4  
pages of angry, melancholy, loving guilt.  
I have one more letter to go.  
I'm not sure whether I should write it or not. I hear heaving sobs and murmuring around me, but  
try to focus at the task at hand. I glance up at Bertholdt, he looks like he's written about 11 pages,  
some pieces of paper fall at his feet beside him but it doesn't even seem like he notices. Tears  
stream down his face and it looks like everything that terrified poor guy has been bottling up  
inside is spilling out of him. I look back down at my paper.  
Its not in my nature to let go. I fight, I yell, and I stop at nothing to get what I want. Even if it  
seems impossible. I'm a stubborn bastard is basically what I'm saying. But for Levi. If he wants me  
to let go then... maybe I should. My pencil hovers over the paper, then slowly presses down and  
into a slow but passionate scribbling along each line.  
' I wonder if you will ever read this. I wonder if you are happy now. But wondering never gets  
anyone anything other than a headache or heart ache. I understand why you decided to stop  
seeing me, that it'd make things better, that the Armageddon that was our relationship was  
destined to crash and burn. But you haven't left.  
I see you when I close my eyes. I smell you whenever the sheets have just returned from the  
laundry, but the blankets don't hold me the way that you did. I hear you when I'm dreaming, its  
just you talking about everyday things most of the time. It’s a nasty trick, because when I wake up,  
all I hear is silence. Most of all, I feel your absence, I wish I knew how to describe what a damn  
painful thing that is. But I can't, I don't think anyone can, not really.  
Maybe you were right. Sometimes people are meant to meet each other but not meant to stay  
together. The way you make me feel though, the way you heal me with just the sound of my name  
passing on your lips. The way you love me, could never be a bad thing. But if you are happier  
now, don't think about me think about yourself, if you truly are. Then maybe we weren't meant to  
stay together. Maybe my love isn't the love you need.  
I'm not giving you up, but I'm letting you go. I just want you to smile, that seems like a hard thing  
for you to do and that makes me sad. Just be happy okay? I will love you, always.'  
I fold the piece of paper neatly and tuck it into my waistband. I want to scream, I want to fall on  
the floor and cry, but I can't. Sometimes there's a sadness so deep tears can't do anything to help.  
Everyone in Group stands up and Pixis sets a metal trashcan in the middle of the room. He grabs a  
lighter and asks us to make a line, one by one, each of us lights our letters and watches the words  
burn and turn into soft ash. Its therapeutic, it really is. Everything I needed to say was said, a sense  
of relief fills me, I feel better than I have in a while now. There's only one last thing to take care  
of.  
I sit with Jean at lunch, he's surprised but gives me a smirk and a "About time you came  
back assface ." Soon everyone is at our table, even Bertholdt to my shock. He's still sort of shifty  
eyed and there's always a bead of sweat hanging on his brow but... he seems stronger somehow.  
Annie sits off to the side and just stares at us all, mostly at Bertholdt, and I think I see her hold his  
hand when he started to panic at Connie slapping his shoulder and laughing at something he had  
said. Apparently Petra and Auruo are going to get married, how Jean always got the latest bits of  
gossip I'll never know. I will have to congratulate her, I hope she met the person she was meant to  
stay with.  
After sitting with Mr. Dawk for what seems like years, I finally get off his puke green couch and  
try to gather my strength. Our session had actually been pretty productive, although Mr. Dawk is  
kind of a snob, it seems like he really does care in his own sort of obnoxious way. Gunter begins  
to lead me down the hall and when he isn't looking I quickly slide my letter in the slit of Levi's  
office door, I can feel my heart beat thumping in my ears, I'm pretty sure I don't have lungs  
anymore, but I do it. I feel heart break in a very literal sense, my chest contracts rapidly, there is no  
happy place to go to in my head now, there is only emptiness. I wait till I'm in my bedroom to cry.  
Even though I feel as if I did the right thing, all I want to do is be selfish and keep trying to get  
Levi back. Scenarios roll around in my mind, what if I did this, what if I said this, what if I had  
been like that. I rest my back against the wall as I sit on my bed and hug my knees, my eyes  
burning from all the useless quiet sobbing. I use my pillow as a giant handkerchief and let the wet  
sadness pour into the cotton. It must be late at night now, I listen to the faint sound of Jean snoring  
in the next room and start to calm down, thick labored breaths run jagged out of me. I hear an  
orderly out in the hallway, he or she is probably checking up on one of us. The footsteps come  
closer though, they aren't the usual sort of squeak of sneaker soles either, it sounds like soft  
padding of socks.  
The footsteps stop in front of my room.  
I hear the combination of my door beep, I sniff and rub at my nose with my forearm and squint in  
the darkness. I see a small silhouette, soft round shoulders, raven sharp short hair, and I don't need  
the lights to turn on for me to know who it is. Levi then starts to crawl onto my bed and before I  
can even blink I feel the safety and warmth I've been desperately yearning to feel for so long, his  
arms pull me into an embrace so tight and passionate, I feel like I'm going to melt into his bones. I  
hear a low pained and emotionally strangled voice, I hear the most lovely thing in the world.  
I hear him say my name.  
I'll Find a Way  
Chapter Notes  
I'm sorry for the long awaited update ;_; , I wish I had more time to write but I keep  
getting trapped with family affairs and traveling really didn't help me get anything  
done. No wifi = hell. But now I'm back so the updates won't take as long ~ So sorry  
this chapter is short but I wanted to at least give something after all this time! Thank  
you guys for everything, I really adore you all  
There are so many things to say. About the time spent away between us, the moments lost to  
confusion, and the selflessness that broke us apart. But we say nothing. Because a million words  
can't express as much as the single kiss shared between us. He had his face nuzzled in the crook of  
my neck, but now lifts it ever so slowly. His breath rising like hot smoke against my skin , up  
along my jaw then to my waiting mouth.  
As we now bask into each other's skin, our lips softly digging away the anguish that had buried  
itself inside one another, the sounds that fill the room are not words. They are the cooing of my  
mattress, our clothes ruffling off of our limbs, the desperate breathing of two people who have no  
idea what the hell to do with their impossible future but know they have to be by each other's  
side.  
My body hovers over his, my arms caging him in, his hands grasping my shoulders like handle  
bars, our kiss never seems to break longer than a second. Our tongues tangle in circles, Levi is  
sweet and succulent, I savor every gentle whimper that trembles out of him as my hands begin to  
roam all over. I want my hands to remember the texture of his silk skin, every soft bend of jutting  
bone, every smooth mound of muscle, and every shiver that ripples from his body. I separate our  
deep kissing to suck down along his neck and chest, leaving rose petal marks blooming red. He  
bites into his lip to keep his rich syrupy voice from spilling out, although I know we have to stay  
quiet, a sadistic part of me aches to hear his voice overflow through the barrier of teeth.  
I let the tip of my tongue swirl around a pink nipple, one hand teasing the other pink bud with  
gentle pinching, and the second hand traces one of his hipbones with a thumb. I can hear the strain  
of his whines being held back, I stare up at him as Levi watches me with a pained flushed  
expression, as if he has no choice but to succumb to my pleasurable torments. We maintain eye  
contact as my hands slip down to grab and rub his thighs, I lick at his navel, then lick and suck at a  
thigh, ignoring his leaking length purposefully. Levi claws a hand in my hair as his hips start buck  
shamefully, I know he wants me to hurry the fuck up but I want to take my time, I want him to  
completely fall apart for me. I want all of him.  
I lean down and smack my lips against his balls and his body twitches spastically, like I'm  
electrocuting him with my touch. He's more sensitive now. How long has he gone without touch?  
I drag my tongue from the base of his shaft to the tip while huffing my warm breath along its side,  
then sucking the tip of his cock over and over again, hearing the suction - cup pop when it leaves  
my salivating mouth. His grip in my hair is urgent now, I see his lip quivering and his mewling  
escapes slightly when I take him fully down my throat without warning.  
I suck him loudly, slurping and watching his heavy lidded eyes barely staying open, it’s a treat to  
see Levi lower his guard like this . I bob my head slowly, I want him to ache for more, his eyes  
squeeze shut and his teeth grit together, and I cant help but smirk at the sight. Usually it’s the other  
way around, so when I have him like this, all to myself, I cannot help wanting to see every lewd  
expression he has to give. I unsheathe my mouth from his erection and lick my hand, then I get  
him off fast, watching him bow into my touch eagerly.  
I lean over him a bit now, my own arousal straining terribly, I guide two fingers to Levis mouth  
and Levis eyes go wide with protest. I tighten my grip on his dick, my hand going painstakingly  
slow. I watch his Adam's apple go down and up as he takes a dry gulp of air, his lips make a little  
O and his blush deepens beautifully. Watching him submit to me causes a growl to burn at the  
back of my throat , because I know I am his exception to all of the rules he seems to have built  
around himself. I feel his tongue dance around my fingers, coating them fully and the sensation  
sends a shiver down my spine. I release my fingers from his mouth and lead them towards his  
puckering entrance, I rub around it tentatively in circles, Levi places an arm over his face in shame  
and I revel in it.  
After thoroughly massaging I press my fingers inside and begin to finger him as deeply and as  
hastily as I can. Levi has began biting down on a knuckle , he has his creamy glossy thighs spread  
open wide for me , his legs are trembling. My patience starts to run out once I watch Levi writhing  
under me as I scissor my fingers and bend them, brushing them against his prostrate deliberately. I  
pull my fingers out, causing a needy sigh to fizzle at Levi's shut lips, and I sit back on my knees. I  
stroke my neglected cock and tilt my head back, letting out a husky groan. Levi sits up, teetering a  
bit, and sinks down in between my legs and wraps his lips a round my throbbing length. I take a  
sharp breath of air and look down at the never before seen sight, Levi looks completely  
preoccupied with my dick, hollowing his flushed cheeks to suck me down hungrily. I feel the  
vibrations of his impatient humming stir all around my erection, his cute dainty nose now brushing  
into my small patch of brown pubic hair.  
Now it's my turn to bite my lip, he stares up at me with short watery fluttering black eyelashes,  
that deep blue looking up at me longingly, and I need to have him now. I gently push him back by  
the shoulders and Levi gets the hint and bends over to fish out a small plastic container of lube  
from the pocket of his pants. I can't help but smile at the fact that he's always prepared, he tosses  
me the tube and I watch him lay back in front of me. I coat my length heavily and seat my self  
between his thighs, I begin to press into his tight exquisite heat and I lean over him hissing at the  
squeeze of finally being fully connected with Levi. Levi's head tilts back as a strangled moan  
breaks free from him, My face hangs over his, I feel the pads of his fingers glide up the expanse of  
my back, his delicate ankles hooking onto the small of my back, and I dip down to breathe a kiss  
with him. I then pull away, just a bit, my thumbs circling his hip bones as I gaze down at him.  
His supple thin lips are parted, still dewy from our kiss. His raven hair splayed on the sides on the  
white plush of the pillow underneath his head. Oh god, the way he's looking at me. He looks at  
me like he loves me. And nothing matters other than this love, this fragile maybe even sinful love.  
But maybe that's what real love is like, dirty and flawed, making us say and do things we thought  
we'd never commit to. Maybe finding out that these feelings, these actions aren't sinful, but are  
raw emotion, and feeling freed in the end.  
Levi lifts his head to close the distance once more, our mouths fervently plunge into each other  
over and over again, and I begin to pump my length deep inside of him. His heels dig in harshly  
against my lower back as he lets out sobs of pleasure into our ardent kissing, I grunt and whine  
into him as well, enjoying the crisp sensual burn of his nails raking up my back. My pace picks  
up, I try to angle my thrusts to hit Levi's golden spot, and I know I find it when Levi bites into my  
neck to keep his wanton crying from echoing through the whole ward.  
He starts to push himself into me, each push of mine earns a push of his, each of us having to  
choke down our shouts of ecstasy. I watch Levi's inky black hair stick to his forehead, the alluring  
huffing pants pour out of his small gaping mouth, and the glistening beads of sweat adorning his  
firm vanilla figure like pearls. I lick the gems of translucent perspiration up along his fast beating  
neck. As I ram my pulsing member into him, feeling his hot walls clench all around me, I know  
we are both close to climax.  
I bend down to envelop Levi with my arms, my weighty rapid breaths at his ear and his at mine,  
his hands begin to dive into my messy array of chestnut hair. Levi is the first to cum, I feel him  
convulse tightly beneath me, he fervidly yells into the skin between my shoulder and the slope of  
my neck. Its not long until I follow suit, feeling my orgasm rip through my groin intensely enough  
to knock me into a black unconsciousness.  
I regain awareness with the feeling of one of Levi's hands soothingly tracing my shoulder blades,  
the panic that had gripped me at thinking I might have shifted subsides and I let my body sink into  
Levi's warmth. I notice that he's already cleaned himself up, I smell the strong natural sugary  
cotton scent emanating from his hair and throat, soaking into this bliss as long as I can.  
But I finally break the spell of silence and am the first to speak in what seems forever,  
"I wish you didn't have to go." I whisper forlornly into his neck, Levi's fingers pause for a  
moment, then continue their tracing as his voice lowly hums,  
"Yeah well, I've already risked my ass visiting you tonight... can't let an orderly see us wrapped  
up together in our birthday suits now, can we?" I don't answer, already feeling the sting of his  
departure burning in my chest. I feel his lips brush against my hair as he coddles me, "Eren ?"  
I let out a somber sigh and frustration slips out me huskily,  
"I want us to be free from these walls, I want to live my life with you, Levi. How are we ever  
going to be together if we are constantly having to worry about everyone finding out about us?"  
My voice begins to rise at the end of the sentence and Levi has to give me a calming "S hhh..." to  
quiet me. Its hard to feel discontent with his fingertips lulling me into sleep, but I try my best to  
keep alert and focused at the topic at hand.  
After a while Levi confesses,  
"I want the same thing."  
I roll onto my side, letting Levi's arm drape around my shoulders as I rest a hand on his chest  
while excitedly asking,  
"But how?" Knowing Levi wants the same thing make my pulse flutter , I feel hope resonating in  
my heart and my eyes widening in anticipation. Levi looks down at me and begins to pet my hair  
from the top of my scalp down to the nape of my neck, and I feel my eyes growing heavier and  
heavier as he utters,  
" I've thought a lot about it, especially when I was away from you. Its been a long time since I've  
had to care about someone, I'm pretty shitty when it comes to helping people I care about the  
most. I couldn't protect Isabel, I lost Farlan to circumstance, and I push away anyone who tries to  
fill the emptiness they and my parents left behind. I believed that if I was alone I couldn't hurt  
anybody else and nobody could hurt me again. It turns out though, that there's that one pain in the  
ass person that defies the logic you've protected yourself with and that living without them isn't a  
choice." Levi leans over and rests his lips against my forehead as he continues, "Although Erwin  
is stubborn as hell and has always been difficult to understand, he's always been protective over  
me. Maybe I could find a way to work outside of this place, live in an actual home like the other  
caretakers do."  
I nuzzle into his chest and the happiness that begins to overflow my senses makes it hard to  
breathe,  
"You want us to live together?" Is that what he's saying? My lungs stop working. Time stops  
working. I look up at Levi slowly, my eyes too afraid to blink or else I might stop seeing this  
vision before me. Levi nods his head and our eyes lock onto each other and I see something shine  
in his eyes I don't think I've ever seen before. Hope.  
"How?" My voice is barely audible, almost just a mouthing of words. Levi cranes his neck  
slightly to bring our lips together into a tender kiss that makes my entire being feel weightless,  
when we separate he keeps his face close and that's when I see it. Small, sincere, but there, only  
for me. He smiles.  
"I'll find a way."  
The Right Choice  
Chapter Notes  
See the end of the chapter for notes  
"I'd like to leave you all with an assignment today." Pixis muses and he twists an end of his grey  
mustache. "Open up to somebody, an orderly, another patient, it doesn't matter. Tell them  
something you keep hidden, allow yourself the vulnerability of showing someone a major part of  
who you are. Even if you get hurt in the process, its still an achievement. Its an achievement  
because you tried. See you all tomorrow!"  
Group ends and we all file in our usual line out of the door. Jean immediately catches up to me  
with a smirk on his face, "Guess who I caught making out behind the book shelves? " I grin at  
him and give in to the gossip, "Who?" Jean leans in and cups my ear with his hand to whisper the  
secret, "Sasha and Connie!" I raise my eyebrows at him and he just nods his head knowingly with  
a smug grin on his face.  
"I know man, well, I sort of saw it coming. Baldy and Nailbiter have been joined at the hip since  
the very beginning. Its like they instantly became close, they are complete dorks but I guess that's  
what makes them perfect for each other." Jean grabs a tray and so do I as we line up to get turkey  
burgers and potato salad. Then we stop by the medication window and Mike's barely visible eyes  
widen when I come up to him.  
"You smell happy today." He gruffly states as he hands me my little paper cup of pills. Jean snorts  
and jabs me in the shoulder and I jab him back. Jean raises a playful brow and leans an elbow on  
the med's window sill and asks, "How do I smell?" Mike quickly responds in that low husky  
voice of his,  
"Let's just say you should use more soap during group shower time." I start to practically cough  
laughter I'm laughing so hard and Jean just sneers at a content Mike and Jean tells me to shut the  
hell up as we walk to our table. Jean looks to the side and rolls his eyes at empty air (Well, Marco)  
then sort of mumbles under his breath, "I know, I know." and starts to take bites out of his turkey  
burger once we sit down.  
Lunch is eventful, I notice Connie and Sasha holding hands under the table and Jean wiggles his  
eyebrows at me like the loser he is. Then Petra makes a happy announcement that Annie has  
"graduated" and will no longer be in the facility. "Graduating" Petra explains, is when a caretaker  
thinks that their patient has recovered to the point that they can live outside again. Though they  
still have to come back for check ups and sessions with their caretaker.  
Its true that Annie had become much more sociable, as sociable as I think she could ever be. It  
was still surprising though, this place had an exit. It wasn't the white pristine prison it has always  
felt like, even Annie, the cold calculating girl who seemed like she'd never have friends, has her  
collar off, and is making her way out in the world. A bit of jealousy flares in me, its all anyone can  
talk about now, some people are excited because maybe that means more people will be freed  
soon and some are incredulous, 'how can she be out already?'  
Bertholdt has retired from our table to the corner of the room to the activity area, I leave the  
hullabaloo and stride over to him, sliding down the wall sloppily and sitting beside him. I'm sort of  
proud of him for not scooting over or looking like a deer in headlights when I join him, he still  
looks nervous but its more...natural now? I don't know, I'm not good with these sorts of things.  
With Annie being gone now, I know he probably feels upset, hell, if Jean left before I did I'd be  
pissed (maybe a little lonely.)  
"Hey " I give him a friendly small smile, Bertholdt shakily turns his head to give me a feeble grin.  
His sweep of brown bangs are pretty long now, soon he might look like Mike. He'd probably  
prefer a set of bangs to hide behind, he sighs and looks out at everyone smiling or grousing at the  
table across the large room.  
"Sometimes I wonder how everyone can be so social. They have their own terrible problems  
and battered lives inside of them, but they can touch other people, with their minds, their smiles. "  
I realize that maybe Bertholdt is choosing me as his confidant for today, and although I'm  
concerned over his sadness, I feel a warmth in my chest from being the one he chose to trust. He  
continues,  
"I disgust myself most of the time, y- you know, being so pathetic and scared constantly. My  
caretaker tells me that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a serious matter and that I shouldn't beat  
myself up over it but still... it'd be nice not to almost scream just from seeing my reflection from  
the corner of my eye." Bertholdt is trying to laugh about it but only rough small scratchy breaths  
come out of him. I'm not great at knowing what to say in situations like this, but I know he needs  
to get something off of his chest and I wait for him to continue with an earnest expression.  
"I come from a really strict and religious family, so does my best friend I told you about, Reiner.  
Both of our parents are really close and have big expectations for the both of us to continue their  
legacy. Except Reiner's family... they are just positive, they cheered for him at his football games  
and actually asked him how his day was at school. My brother, Marcel, was the favorite of my  
family. He was the star football player, popular, he was also best friends with Reiner, and he was  
just --- better than me. I was the shy nerd who only had Reiner and my own brother as my  
friends. I didn't exist in the house, Marcel was going to take over my dad's company, he was  
going to be successful with a nice wife and children who loved him... Even though I was jealous  
of him, I loved him too. That's just the kind of person he was." I realize with dread Bertholdt  
said was and that either means he's dead or something drastically changed him for the worst. I  
watch Bertholdt take deep inhales and exhales of air, I can see him counting under his breath.  
A somber grin escapes me, we are all learning to be normal, doing whatever we can - like  
breathing exercises - to better ourselves.  
"Since Marcel was so popular he of course got invited to a lot of parties and one day he snuck out  
to go to one against my parents explicit orders. Our parents sleep at 8pm every. single. night. I've  
always had trouble sleeping though, so when I was getting a late night snack I caught him  
sneaking out the door. '"Be cool baby bro'" Bertholdt bitterly almost laughs while he imitates his  
older brother, "'C'mon Bert don't rat on me. Please?' and I let him sneak out. Its my  
reoccurring nightmare, me being able to save my brother, but I wanted to be the cool little brother  
he somehow thought I was." Bertholdt begins to shake slightly, he hugs himself with his arms,  
"The next morning the police arrive at our house saying that m -m y brother died from an allergic  
reaction to the drugs he had tried at the party. It was his first f-fucking time doing anything like  
that! Those things only happen on the news and and just why?! Why him??! Why couldn't it have  
been-- " An orderly slowly approaches us but doesn't interrupt, staying nearby in  
case Bertholdt did anything more than weep heavily into his palms. I want to put a hand on his  
shoulder but it seems like Bertholdt isn't the kind of guy who likes to be touched, so I stay here  
with him and wait for him to calm down a bit to go on with his story. He begins wiping his face  
with his white T-Shirt and his voice is garbled with pained emotions,  
"I-I'm not good at lying so when m-my parents asked m-me if I knew he w-went --" He coughs  
heavy sobs for a bit looking down at his knees then says, "I confessed and they h-ated me Eren,  
they hate me. My dad started b-beating m-m-me from that day on and" Bertoldt covers his face  
with his hands as his shoulders tremble, "my mom didn't e-even care, I wasn't even human  
anymore! But I never fought back, never t-talked back because I - I felt that I deserved it. They  
sent me here be-because people started noticing my bruises and cuts and and they said I was ddoing  
it to myself! I w-will never go back there..." I let Bertholdt cry with his body tucked into  
itself, he then takes slow congested breaths through his mouth, his nose can no longer be breathed  
through.  
Apologies don't mean much but, I want to tell him true and kind things, he probably isn't used to  
comforting words so I try to say what I can. "I'm so sorry Bertholdt. None of that is your fault,  
you are one of the nicest guys I've ever met and you didn't deserve any of that shit. I'm so so  
sorry." When my words hit him he raises his head slowly and his eyes turn to me swollen with  
grief. He sniffs three heavy post weeping sniffs, and a light "Thank you." trickles out of him.  
Although Bertholdt's face is puffy and blotchy from the confession that rattled out of his bones, he  
looks relieved, his eyes relaxed and at a strange peace instead of twitchy and at constant high alert.  
He joins Jean and I in a game of cards, a nervous but actually happy grin adorns on his face. His  
neck isn't as bent at a submissive and meager angle, but a little higher.  
"Eren, it's time!" Petra's familiar and welcoming jingling voice notifies me that my appointment is  
up. I nod and set my cards down, my cards were crap anyways, and follow Petra into the  
hallway. Bertholdt had kept my mind at bay from Levi and his golden words of freedom and a life  
outside these pristine white walls, together. A deep restlessness quivers through me and my eyes  
outside these pristine white walls, together. A deep restlessness quivers through me and my eyes  
land on that familiar silver business plate above his office. It is both a gleeful nervousness and a  
fearful anxiety that rampages inside of my head. The door slides open.  
Sometimes I look at him and I cannot believe just how lucky I am to be able to kiss those lips,  
hold that lithe small figure of his, and to hear loving words wrapped in his sultry smooth hum of a  
voice. Once we were left alone I rested my head on the armrest of the black couch and used  
puppy dog eyes and open inviting arms to get him to join me.  
"My suit is going to get wrinkled as fuck... Tch, you've become so spoiled..." His voice lowers to  
a whisper when he bends down a little to steal a deep but quick kiss, I smile into it. I love how he's  
weak to me. Its okay though, he makes me feel like my bones are paper-thin sometimes. Its kind  
of scary how much my mind and body seem to need him. I guess love is always scary, you both  
have the power to destroy each other, trust built on top of each other like one great game  
of Jenga.  
Levi sort of straddles me and lays down on top, he rests a cheek on my chest. I giggle a bit and he  
tells me to shut up, but I can't help but smile at the sweet sight of Levi resting his surprisingly  
heavy body over mine in his now slightly wrinkled crisp black suit, powder blue dress shirt and  
royal blue tie folding like a staircase between our chests. We just breathe together for a while, I  
hear the lullaby of his slow even breaths, and he must hear what he does to my heart.  
He looks up at me with his cute pointed button nose, unknowingly batting those dainty but full  
black eyelashes, trapping me in the heaven of his blue gaze. I look down at him with a surely  
goofy little grin, Levi begins,  
"I talked with Erwin."  
My body immediately tenses up and Levi is quick to rest a hand on my chest and a hand to  
caress and cup my face with a soothing "Shhh, let me continue." I try to settle down, my arms  
encircling Levi, hands nervously sliding up and down the small of his back. Levi hums in  
approval to this gesture and then goes on, "He was suspicious but thought it might be a good idea  
to have a sort of halfway house for our patients."  
I press my eyebrows together in confusion, "Half way house?"  
Levi nods and then shifts a bit so he can rest an elbow on the couch and leans a cheek on his palm  
but basically stays in the same position, " The purpose of a halfway house is generally considered  
to be that of allowing people to begin the process of reintegrating with society while still providing  
monitoring and support. Residents who stay at a halfway house as recovering patients receive  
intensive individual and group counseling for their issues while they establish a safe support  
network, secure new employment, and find new housing."  
I tilt my head to the side, "So what you're saying is that we can move outside but other patients  
would have to live with us?"  
Levi answers swiftly and assuredly, "Yes. I couldn't argue with Erwin without the risk of the truth  
of our relationship being made obvious. My step brother can be a real shit sniffer when it comes to  
rules and regulations so this is the best I could do. Jean Kirchstein will be staying with us, and  
more in due time."  
I blink down at him a couple times in stupor, this is happening. It is really happening. Levi  
mumbles under his breath and looks away from me,  
"I know this wasn't exactly ideal living with other people but I got this place by the ocean, it needs  
to be cleaned but-" I interrupt him by cupping his face with my hands and Levi looks at me with a  
genuinely surprised and almost unbearably adorable expression, both of his hands jittery and  
finding their way onto my chest. I give him a sloppy (I'm still a novice with kissing really) but  
passionate kiss, then pull back a little bit to rest our foreheads together,  
"I love you."  
Levi shows his rare bashful blushing expression and mutters "brat" while bringing one of his  
hands up to cover one of my own, leaning into my touch with closed eyes. I close my eyes as  
well, and enjoy one of the few moments of genuine happiness I've ever had in my life.  
I murmur, "This is really happening." I open my eyes to find Levi watching me with an  
unmistakably tender look on his face, the little and special smile, just for me, creeps up on his  
cheeks.  
"It is."  
Two Months Later  
"Hurry your ass up Eren !" Levi calls out to me in a white T-Shirt and black swimming trunks,  
racing ahead of me to the top of a great sand dune hill covered with tall thin glimmering grass  
swaying to the strong salty breeze around us. My face hurts from the giant smile stretching my  
face, I pant a little as I laugh and cry out, "How are you so freaking fast?!" I'm wearing a green  
tank top and a pair of blue swimming trunks, my flip flops leave messy prints behind me as I catch  
up to Levi at the top of the hill. I scratch the back of my neck and enjoy the fact that there is no  
longer a collar binding me.  
As I reach the summit my eyes widen and all the breath in my lungs leave me as I whisper,  
"Oh wow..."  
The ocean stretches off farther than I or anyone could ever see, its so immense and limitless,  
glimmering like a never ending strip of blue velvet. I sort of stumble my way beside Levi, my eyes  
never leaving the wild turquoise water in front of me that swallows the sandy earth only to pull  
back again in a never ending tide. The ocean crackles and hums similar to the sound of fading  
fireworks burning high in the air , waves curling up and crashing in countless dances of white  
foaming water. The sky almost looks like a reflection of the ocean its so blue and clear, the sun is  
a white blazing circle, making the sand below us glisten like quartz crystals and the ocean so  
luminous I have to squint my eyes to fully appreciate its grandeur.  
I feel a hand lace with my own, I turn my head a little to glance at Levi, my bangs fluttering over  
my eyes from the hushing of wind. He looks completely in awe, still staring ahead of us with his  
lips slightly parted, his dark hair being slightly tussled to the side. I give his hand a loving squeeze  
and keep staring at him until he looks over at me, he gives me a tiny affectionate grin and squeezes  
my hand back. We look down at the beach below us, Jean is sitting on a towel, and though it  
might look like he's alone to everyone else, he isn't. I'd like to think that Marco really is there  
sitting next to him, making Jean laugh, watching over him. Just like I like to believe my Mom  
might be watching over me. Mikasa and Armin get out of the water sopping wet, Mikasa joins  
Jean on her own accompanying towel while Armin pulls Jean's arm coaxing him to come swim  
along. Jean gets flustered and finally gives in after a few attempts to stay where he is, the two don't  
ever seem stop smiling and playing with each other out in the ocean. I guess there are always new  
beginnings.  
I think about the other patients that I met and bonded with, Levi says that they are all doing well,  
since we decided to have our own halfway house a female caretaker Nanaba wanted to create a  
safe haven for the female patients as well. Annie ended up being the first patient to stay there, she  
still has a lot of work to do on herself and learning how to get along with others. Sasha and  
Connie are also ready to graduate, but Sasha will be joining Nanaba's group and Connie with  
ours. The others still have some time till they can graduate. BerthoIdt is well on his way to  
becoming a brighter and more confident person. Ymir and Krista lean on each other, Ymir lending  
Krista the self esteem and drive she needs, and Krista lending the positivity and serenity Ymir  
needs. I really hope that one day all the patients can enjoy a beach day together like this and we  
can all feel at ease.  
As the sky begins to burn into brilliant shades of red orange and violet Levi wraps an arm around  
me. I return the gesture ten fold with a strong sweeping embrace. His arms overlap on my back  
like a pair of wings, I rest my nose against his hair breathing in a mixture of the saltiness of the  
ocean and the cotton cleanliness of Levi. He takes a short step back and I watch him lean up a bit  
on the tips of his toes, grabbing the back of my head with a handful of my messy chestnut hair,  
and bringing our lips to a close. We share a warm slow kiss, lips memorizing each other in a nerve  
buzzing rhythm, our breaths thick and filled with a longing that can never die.  
When we break our kiss we lean into each other, a hand resting on another's waist. My vision  
goes blurry with joy as we once again look out at the untamed ocean, I notice a seagull glide  
towards the boundless horizon and watch its wings maneuver gracefully, hearing it caw out  
merrily in the distance. I think I understand, maybe, how life works. Life is made out of decisions.  
We can never be sure if we've made the right choice, even just after we've made it. Sometimes  
even when it seems like we've made a terrible mistake, like falling in love with the wrong person,  
it’s the right kind of mistake. Because things aren't only in shades of black and white, or grey,  
there are so many other colors that paint the picture of your existence. I know this as I stare at the  
wings of freedom gliding into a perfect sunset ahead of me and as I feel the wings given to me by  
the love of my life standing by my side.  
So this is how it feels like to be human.  
Chapter End Notes  
Thank you all so much for your comments, kudos, love and support. I can't believe  
this is the final chapter but its been such a fun journey making this fic and interacting  
with you guys. I am so grateful to have had so many amazing readers, I really can't  
stress it enough how much your comments and such have inspired and helped me  
write this. I will continue to write more fics so keep an eye out! You can reach me on  
my blog: l-e-v-i-ackerman.tumblr.com  
Thank you :')  
End Notes  
This is my first fanfic so I hope this all goes well, hope you liked the introduction. My  
tumblr account is l-e-v-i-ackerman and I'll track the tags: fic: monster , l-e-v-i-ackerman.  
(http://l-e-v-i-ackerman.tumblr.com/post/90124999679/miss-anon-so-i-got-permission-tomake-  
a-comic) miss--anon made amazing fanart for this fic, you have to check it out ;u;  
Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!


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